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Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/14/2014

How teaching math has changed over the years.

  1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in high school) A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?
  2. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?
  3. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?  Yes or No
  4. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
  5. Teaching Math In 2000s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok).
  6. Teaching Math In 2014 The question is no longer in English and the answer is: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

 

Two men are ice fishing not too far apart.  One is catching a lot of fish while the other isn’t having any luck at all.  So the one who isn’t having any luck calls over to the other and asked, “What are you doing to catch so may fish?”  To that the other man replays, “Ow-got-r-e-r-rrs-orn”   The other fisherman says, “I’m sorry but I can’t understand you.”  So he repeats, “Ow-got-r-e-r-rrs-orn”   To which the first one says again, “I still can’t understand what you’re saying” So the other man spits in his hand and replies, “You got to keep your worms warm.”

 

Back in the day of the horse and bug there was this couple who just got married.  They hadn’t gotten very far when the horse got stuck in the mud.  To this the man said, “That’s once” and he got out of the buggy and pulled the horse out.  A few more miles down the road the horse got stuck again.  And again the man said, “That’s twice” and pulled the horse out.  Well, as it turned out a short time latter the horse got stuck again.  This time the man says, “That’s the third time” and with that he hauls out his gun and shoots the horse.  Now his bride is taken back and says, “What did you do that for…he’s just a horse and doesn’t know any better.”  Her husband turns to her and says, “That’s once”.  They haven’t had an argument in fifty years.

 

A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member of the family, a 29 months toddler.  Furious he demands an explanation: He says, how could you have done this to me!  Did you cheat on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John? His wife with a daring look says, your friends!  Your friends!  Don’t you think I have my own friends too?

 

A policeman finds someone crawling on all fours in the middle of the street.  The cop approaches him and asks him, “What on earth do you think you’re doing?”  The man on the all fours replies, “I’ve lost it.”  The policeman asks him curiously, “lost what?”  The man answers, “well (hiccup) my balance sir.”

 

Bob tells Fred: My wife drives me to drink. Fred comments: You’re lucky.  I have to walk.

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/09/2014

Some He said, She Said Jokes:

He said to her, “I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.”

She said to him, “You wear pants don’t you?”

He said to her, “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”   She said to him “That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.”

 

He said to her, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?” She said to him, “Turn sideways and look in the mirror”

 

He said to her, “Why don’t women blink during foreplay?” She said to him. “They don’t have time.”

 

He asked her,  “How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?” She said to him, “I don’t know; it has never happened.”

 

He said to her, “What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? She said to him, “A widow.”

 

He asked her, “Why are married women heavier than single women? She said to him, “Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.  Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge. “

 

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“An old gentleman asked his waiter for a large glass of prune juice. The waiter replied, “Is that for here, or to go?”

 

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A policeman bought a house with a yard that was in terrible shape full of weeds, rocks and junk. But in no time he had it healthy, green and beautifully manicured. His neighbors got together and cited him for restoring lawn order.

 

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I went out to buy some goose feather pillows but I found they were so expensive I couldn’t even afford the down payment.

 

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A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. “So who did you see before coming to me?” asked the important doctor. “My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen.” “Your GP?” scoffed the doctor. “What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did Cohen give you?” “He told me to come and see you.”

 

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An automobile salesman was pleasantly bewildered when he sold a new car to a blonde, who had previously resisted his sales pitch. Elated over his success, he asked her, as he was filling out the necessary papers, “What had finally made you choose this car?” “Well,” the blonde said, “I visited four dealers and mentioned your car to all of them. They all agreed on one thing — that your car has the fastest depreciation of all the cars on the market. That was good enough for me.”

 

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When I sit down for my morning constitution, I start reading the newspaper

and end up forgetting to do my business.  I think I have Attention

Defecate Disorder.

 

 

There was a report of a man who accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. His next crap could spell disaster.

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The most common form of marriage proposal these days: “YOU’RE WHAT?”

 

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I just read that on average, an adult U.S. male will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese!

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 09/30/2014

Insufficient Passage

 

Abie and Becky had been married for several years and there was no sign of a baby. So they were very upset, and Abie told Becky to go to the doctor and ask him what’s the matter.

So she went to the doctor and the doctor examined her. And he said, “Well, you have an insufficient passage, and if you have a baby, it’ll be a miracle.”

So she went home and Abie says, “Nu, nu? What did the doctor say?”

“The doctor said I got a fish in the passage and if I have a baby, it’ll be a mackerel.”

 

 

Last Meals

 

Three guys are going to be executed: a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew.  They each get a chance to pick their last meal.

They ask the Italian, “What do you want?”

The Italian says, “Pasta primavera! I love-a pasta primavera!” So they bring him the pasta; he eats it, then they shoot him.

They say to the Frenchman, “What would you like?”

The Frenchman says, “l’immense filet mignon, sil vous plait.”

They bring him the filet mignon; he eats it; they shoot him.

They then ask the Jew what he wants for his last meal. He says, “Strawberries, all the strawberries a man could possibly eat.”

“Strawberries?  Strawberries? We don’t have any strawberries; they’re out of season.”

The Jew says, “I’ll wait!”

 

 

 

Mrs Moskowitz & Tommy the Cat

 

This is about Max and Morris.who are brothers in the furniture business and they’ve been partners for years. Max has got a family and Morris lives alone with his cat, Tommy.

One day Max says to his brother, “Morris, you’ve just been working too hard. You gotta take a vacation.  You gotta get away from the business for a bit.”

Morris says, “How can I do that? Who’s gonna take care of my cat? Tommy the cat?  I love him so much, I just can’t stand to be away from him.”

Max says, “ I’ll take care of Tommy the cat.”

Morris says, “You’d do that for me?”

Max says, “ Of course I’d do that for you. I’m your brother.  You go have a nice time.  Go to Miami.  Have a nice trip.”

So Morris gets on a plane; he flies down. Soon as he gets off the plane, he gets out his cellphone and calls up his brother.’

“So Max, I’m in Miami. How’s business?”

“Vell I tell ya; I had a little problem.

“So vat’s the problem?”

“Mrs. Muskowitz, Irving’s widow! She wants another couch.”

“Oy, She crushed another couch with her big fat toosh? The only thing bigger than her toosh is her mouth.”

“So, what did you tell her?”

“Mrs. Muskowitz, you’ve had three couches and you broke every one of them. You should take your business to Mr. Silverstein down the street.  He has couches for people like you. Wow, such a mouth she has.”

She says,” For people like me? For people like me?”I know what you mean by that crack, you little person.  You and your brother, you little schmucks. You’re not even men!  You have small brains and smaller penises.  If my husband Irving was alive, he would crush you and your brother and his stupid cat with one hand.  My Irving was a real man; you are little schmucks.”

“So, what did you say?”

“I lost it, Max! “Mrs. Muskowitz, three couches!  Three couches crushed with your big fat toosh. A flashing yellow light you should have on your head and an “Extra Wide Load Sign” on your big fat toosh to warn people to get out of the way.  And that mouth, Oye! such a mouth you have. Bigger than your fat toosh.  And your husband, Irving, He’s not dead – he’s hiding!”

Morris says, “OK, Max, Mrs. Muskowitz is a schmuck. So, how’s my Tommy the Cat?”

Max says, “Vel, that’s the other news from yesterday.  Tommy the Cat fell off my apartment balcony; down he went seven floors to the street in front of a garbage truck.  Now he’s a flat cat.!”

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 09/16/2014

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The Golden Toilet

A couple is invited to a swanky dinner party. When they arrive, they are blown away:  the mansion is immaculate, the wine is free-flowing, the food is top-notch, everything is perfect.

Toward the end of the night, when everyone has consumed a fair share of wine, the husband excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

When he gets back, he tells his wife, “Sadie, I knew the people who lived here were rich, but you have no idea.”

Sadie replies, “What do you mean?”

“The bathroom, you have to see it! They have gold toilets!  Literally made of gold.”

Sadie doesn’t believe her husband and refuses to go to the bathroom just to look at the toilets. The night goes on and Sadie’s husband keeps insisting that she go to look.

They eventually leave, without Sadie going to look, but the next morning Sadie’s husband is still going on and on about the gold toilets. Sadie finally gives in and decides they will go back to the mansion to look at the toilet.  When the couple arrives at the mansion, they ring the doorbell and the butler answers.

Sadie says, “I am so sorry to interrupt your day, but is the missus of the house available?”

The missus comes to the door and asks, “How can I help you?”

Sadie, extremely apologetic, starts talking, “I’m sorry to be rude, but my husband and I were here last night for the party which was amazing! Thank you for hosting it; it was great.  There is just one thing, though.  My husband keeps insisting that you had a golden toilet, and I just had to see it for myself.”

The missus of the house takes a long look at Sadie and her husband, turns around and yells out, Hey Morty, I know who crapped in your tuba.”

 

 

The clock Shop

 

An international businessman is traveling through Europe and his train stops in Zurich, Switzerland.  And he knows that he’s got three hours to make his next connection, so he figures he’ll walk around the town a little bit.

He gets off the train and takes a look at his watch, and sees that his watch has stopped, which is kind of awkward. So he thinks, well, it’s Switzerland, they’ve got to know about watches here.  And he starts to walk around looking for a place, but it’s Sunday and all the shops seem to be closed.

Except, after about ten minutes, he sees this tiny little shop, and the window is completely filled with watches and clocks. And he says, “This is great.  I wonder if he’s open.”

He checks the front door, the door is open, he walks in and out to the rear of the store comes this elderly fellow wearing a yarmulke and a prayer shawl. Of course he’s open on a Sunday; he’s Jewish.

So the man says, “Look, I’ve got a terrible problem. I’m traveling through Europe and I have many meetings to make.  I have many train connections to make.  I’m going to stop in Geneva next and then Paris.  And my watch has stopped on me, and I really can’t function without the use of my watch.  Can you please fix it?”

The man says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know a thing about watches. I’m a mohel.  I perform ritual circumcisions.”

The man says, “Wait a minute though. Your windows are full of watches and clocks.”

The man replied, “Well, if you were in my profession, what would you put in your window?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Calling Mom

 

A man called his mother in florida. “Mom, how are you?”

“Not so good,” said his mother. “I’m very weak.”

The son said, “Why are you so weak?”

She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in thirty-eight days.”

The son said, “that’s terrible.  Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”

 

 

 

The Jewish Taxi Driver

 

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City, and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady, I vasn’t staring at you like you tink, dat would not be proper vair I come from.”

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or toush, sweetie, what are you doing then?”

The old Jew paused a moment, then told her, “I am looking and I am looking and I am tinking to myself, ‘Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis taxi ride?”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 09/02/2014

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment. There is a big panel on the wall. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside; the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“What! You’re coming empty handed?”

 

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued The V.A. Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: “Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.  All we did was correct his eyesight.”

 

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, he says “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

 

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch to see how many slow down.

2. On all your check stubs, write ‘For Marijuana’.

3. Whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face, order a Diet Water.

4. Sing Along At The Opera.

5. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

6. Tell Your Children over dinner: ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go…

7. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!

 

Yesterday, a couple of my buddies and I stopped in at Hooter’s for some Hot Wings and drinks. After being there for a while, one of the servers asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told her “The one who knows how to fix elevators.”  I’m old, tired, and have to pee a lot.

 

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 08/26/2014

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Bill Gates and God

Bill Clinton, Ai Gore, and Bill Gates ail died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to AI and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

AI responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important.

God looked to AI and said, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand”. God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand”. God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked “What is your problem Bill Gates?”

Bill responded ” I think you are sitting in my chair”.

 

 

 

An Airliner

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

 

 

The Pastor and the Peanuts

The new pastor was calling on the elderly who could no longer go to church. His first call was to a woman who went by the name aunt Sally. She was quite old and in a nursing home. He was somewhat nervous, and he kept eating peanuts from a bowl next to her bed.. When he got up to leave, he noticed that he had eaten all the peanuts.

“I’m so sorry but It seems that I ate all your peanuts.”

“Oh, that all right,” Aunt Sally said, I’d already gummed all the chocolate off them anyhow.”

 

The Tap Dancing Duck

A guy walks into a bar and sees everyone crowded around a table, watching a little show. On the table is an upside down pot with a duck tap dancing on it.

The man is impressed and announces that he is the owner of the Hamilton Brothers Circus and would like to buy the duck.

After some wheeling and dealing , the circus owner pays the bartender $10 000 for the duck. Feeling generous, the bartender even throws in the pot.

The next day the circus owner storms back into the bar. “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him out there on a stage before a sold out audience and he just stood there.

The bartender responds with: That’s weird…or did you forget to light the candle under the pot?

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 08/19/2014

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up

to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I

would like to buy some cyanide.”

 

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

 

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

 

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the

law? I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All

kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have

any cyanide!”

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her

husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,  “Oh, You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

 

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

 

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

 

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

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A woman and her ten year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

 

“Mom” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

 

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

 

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

 

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”

 

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “yes.”.

 

After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”

 

“Most of them become taxi drivers,” she said.

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Three Englishmen are getting wasted in a pub when they spot an Irishman sitting off in a corner.  For a little amusement one of the Englishmen approaches him.

 

“Did you know that St. Patrick was a sissy?”  he asks.

 

“Oh no, I dinnae know that.” the Irishman replies.  “Thank ye.”

 

The Englishman returns to his friends, complaining that he hadn’t gotten a rise out of the Irishman.  The second Englishman decides to try.

 

“Hey did you know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?” he asks.

 

“Oh no, i donna know that. Thank you for the information,”  the Irishman replies.

 

The second man returns to his friends, amazed that he too, had not gotten to this guy.  The third man thinks he has the solution.

 

He approaches the Irishman and asks him: “Did y’know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?”

 

Oh, no I hadn’t heard that but I believe that’s what y’r friends have been trying to tell me”

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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

 

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

 

The girl has been watching him and says: “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says: “Yes …. How did you figure that out?”

 

“Easy..” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”

 

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it’s over the girl says: “You must be a good dentist.”

 

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: “Sure – I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”

 

The girl replies:….”Didn’t feel a thing.”

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A man goes to see his doctor because he has a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.  “Hmmmmm,” the doctor says, “That’s strange.”

 

The guy replies, “I know, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

 

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Saddam Hussein wanted to document his memoirs, so he asked his guard for a stenographer.

 

The guard came back a little later with a laptop computer instead.

 

“No Thanks,” said Saddam, “I’m a dictator.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 08/12/2014

Eulogies

             A priest just finished a rousing sermon which was about peace and love.  He wheels around and says to one of his congregants, “And you, sir, what would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?”

The man says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a hard worker; that I was a good provider; that I took care of my family.”

“Thank you,” says the priest.  He points to another congregant. “And you, sir, what would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?”

He says, “ I’d like to hear them say that I was a good father, a good husband, and a good brother, and that I contributed to the church.”

“Thank you,” says the priest.  He points to another congregant.  “And you, sir, what would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?”

He says, “I think I’d like to hear them say, “Hey! I think he’s moving!”

Three Old guys

 

These three old Jews are sitting on a traffic island on Broadway as they do most sunny mornings.

One of them says out of nowhere, “Ech,  It’s terrible.  I hate it. I just can’t stand it.”

The other one says, “Max, what’s wrong with you?”

Max says, “ It’s being eighty-five years old; dat’s vats wrong!  You know, every morning I get up.  It’s seven o clock, I go to pee.  I stand there; I push; I squeeze: nothing comes out – maybe a little dribble, dribble, dribble if I’m lucky.  It’s terrible.”

His friend says, “I know what you mean.”

“Why, what’s your problem?”

“Every morning, you know, I try to move mine bowels.  I push; I squeeze; I groan; I grunt – maybe raisins if I’m lucky.  It’s terrible.”

The third guy says, “I know vhat you mean.  Being old, it’s just awful.”

Max says, “What’s your problem, Sol?”

Sol says, “Well, every morning, seven o clock, I pee like a golden fountain.  Eight o clock, I have a nice bowel movement. Nice big plums.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

He says, “I don’t get out of bed until nine.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everything Hurts

 

A beautiful redheaded lady, a real Scarlet O Hara, walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, doctor, you’ve gotta help me.  I’m in terrible pain.  Everything I touch on my body hurts.  Not just one thing, everything!”

Doctor says, “Everything?”

“Absolutely everything!”

Doctor says, “Show me.”

She says, “Well, look.”  She touches her head. “Oh!, I’m in terrible pain when I do that. “

She touches her neck, “Oh, that’s worse.”

She touches her side and starts to scream. She touches her leg; she’s in anguish.

The doctor looks at her and saysm, “You’re not really a redhead, are you.”

She says, “ Well, not really.             He says, “ You’re a blonde, aren’t you?”

“Yes I am, but how did you know?”

“Because you’ve got a broken finger!”

 

 

 

Bra Shopping

 

Sam goes into Macy’s, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, “My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said you’d know what I mean.”

The saleslady says, “Boy, it’s been a long time sinc anybody’s asked me for a Jewish bra.  They usually ask me for a Catholic bra, or a Salvation Army bra, or a Presbyterian bra.”

He says, “What’s the difference?”

She says, “The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra uplifts the downfallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

He asks, “Well, then what’s a Jewish bra.”

“Oh, a Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas

 

It’s a second grade class in an American public school.  The teacher asks each child to tell the others how he will celebrate Christmas.

Johnnie says, “I help my daddy cut down a Christmas tree.”

Susie says, “I help decorate the tree.”

Then it’s Irving’s turn.

He says, “We all climb into my father’s Rolls Royce.  We drive over to his toy factory.  My father looks at all the empty shelves and says, “Thank you, Jesus!’ and then we all fly to the Bahamas for a weeks’ vacation.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/29/2014

An Emergency Call Center worker in London, Ontario, has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal for following protocol.
It seems a male caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating,  “I am depressed and lying hear on a railroad track.  I am waiting for the train to come along and end my life.  
Apparently “remain calm and stay on the line” is not always an  appropriate or correct response.
 
 
 

 

The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She  pressed ‘control and ‘enter’
And she disappeared from view.
It  devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must  have caught a virus,
Or been eaten by a worm.
I’ve searched through  the recycle bin,
And files of every kind;
I’ve even used the  Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr.  Google,
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was  negative,
Not a thing was found ‘online.’
So, if inside your  ‘Inbox,’
My wife you should see,
Please ‘Copy, Scan’ and ‘Paste’  her,
And send her back to me.
 
 
 

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas . The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, “Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, “Gringo ,we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800’s.”
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, “Just the four of you?”
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The other 12 million are already there.
Big Boots
A woman walks into a bar in Waco sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.  He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.  The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is little lady.  Why don’t you come over to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.  The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am.  Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me for my services before.”
The woman replies “Don’t be flattered.  Take the money and and buy yourself some smaller boots.”
Chinese Baby
A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.
The nurse brings over a healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents.  “What are you going to name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, “Well, two Wongs can’t make a white, so I think we’ll name him: Sum Ting Wong.”
 

 

 

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Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/29/2014

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Lottery Ticket

 

An old man was sitting in temple and praying: “Dear God, let me win the lottery just once.  It would make me so very happy.”

The next week he was back again: “Dear God, I’m the guy who last week asked you to let me win the lottery.  I have kept all your commandments and performed all the required mitzvahs.  Just this once I would like to win the lottery.  Please.”

He was back again the following week: “God, I have to confess, I’m getting a little annoyed.  Here I am, a pious and prayerful Jew who goes to temple regularly and does everything he is supposed to do.  Why won’t you grant me this one favor and allow me to win the lottery?”

Just then there was a clap of thunder, the roof of the temple rolled back, a bright light descended on the old fellow, and a deep voice boomed out: “Abraham, Abraham, meet me halfway:  Buy a Ticket!”

 

Chinese Waiter

 

        Sam and his wife, Sadie, were visiting New York City from Green Bay.

Around lunchtime one day, they fond themselves in the Garment District  and went into a kosher restaurant, called Ben Siegel’s.

They sat down in a booth and were approached by a Chinese waiter.

They thought this was odd, but were astonished when the waiter took their order speaking perfect Yiddish.

During the meal, when Ben Siegel came around to their table to ask if everything was all right, Sam mentioned to him how surprised they were that the Chinese waiter spoke such good Yiddish.

“Shh,” said Ben.  “He thinks I’m teaching him English.”

 

The Son-in-Law

 

A young woman tells her mom that she thinks she’s pregnant.  Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.  The test result shows that the girl is indeed going to have a baby.  Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who did this to you?  I need to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.  A distinguished-looking man, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and young woman and tells them, “Your daughter has informed me of the situation.  I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take responsibility.  I’ll cover all of her expenses and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath her a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a town house, a beach-front villa, and two million dollars in cash.”

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a few factories and four million dollars.

If it’s twins, they will receive a factory and million dollars each.”

However, if there’s a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who has remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells hi, “You try again.”

 

 

Generosity

 

Max is at his golf club.. He’s finished playing a round, showered, and shaved, and id now getting dressed.  The cellphone next to him rings; it’s on speaker.  The voice on the other end says, “Honey, are you there?”

Yes.”

“Honey, you remember that mink coat I wanted to buy, but it was a little too expensive?  The furrier called today.  Instead of $18,000, he’s willing to give it to me for $16,500 and I bought it.  I hope you don’t mind.”

You loved it.  I’m glad you bought it!”

Also, the Mercedes.  The dealer called.  In this economy, he wants to get rid of his inventory.  Instead of $86,000, it’s $78,000.”

Can you get it with all the options?”

“All the options.”

Buy it!”

“And those three French dresses that I really wanted, that will last me the entire winter?  Eleven thousand dollars.  I hope you don’t mind.”

It’s OK if you want them.”

“Oh thank you, dear! You’re so generous!”

Max hangs up and finishes dressing.  Everyone in the locker room is amazed that he’s been so generous with his wife.

As he’s leaving, he turns to the locker room and says, “Anyone know who owns this cellphone?”

 

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Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/15/2014

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TOOLS EXPLAINED

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from your fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off the head of a bolt. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  They can also be used to transfer  intense welding heat to the palm of your hand when nothing else is available.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub in which you are trying to remove a bearing.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test the integrity of a wall.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, then trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut a good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the seals under caps or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt.  But it can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and in the process butcher your palms.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war.  The hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as:  vinyl products, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while you are wearing them.

 

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMM-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

 

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

 

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

 

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb.  They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ topless blonde came walking straight towards them ………….They couldn’t help but stare.

 

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said’Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,  nodding and addressing each of them individually,then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

 

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’

‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’

She replied,

‘Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen..

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Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/08/2014

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Opening Night

I’s opening night on Broadway and the scalpers are having a field day; no tickets are to be had.

A middle-aged couple sees that next to them is a little old Jewish lady sitting next to an empty seat.

The man asks, “Whose seat is that?” and the old lady replies, “My late husband, Irving Bernstein.”

The man says, “I’m sorry for your loss, but surely you must have some friends or relatives who would have wanted to come and see the show!”

The old lady replies, “Yes, but they’re all at the funeral.”

 

 

The Accident

A little Jewish lady was not very attractive – in fact, she was awful looking – and had lived a somewhat unlucky, sad, and lonely life.  One day she is on a crowded bus and there’s an accident.  She is apparently mortally wounded and on the way to the hospital, she thinks, “Again unlucky and now I’m about to die.”

While she is pondering her sad life before she expires, God suddenly appears before her and says, “I know you’ve had a very tough life, but I’m not yet ready to take you.  Also, you’ll receive an ample sum of money for your injuries – it should easily last you for the twenty more years of life you’ll have.”

She’s overjoyed with the opportunity to finally enjoy life and figures that she might as well give herself the best opportunity.  So, while still in the hospital, she gets cosmetic surgery for her face and entire body.  After months of treatments and recovery, she looks in the mirror and sees that she is absolutely beautiful!”

She leaves the hospital and gets into a taxi to go home.  The taxi has a serious accident with another car and the woman feels her life ebbing away.  Suddenly, God appears again.  She says, “How could this happen?  You told me that I would have another twenty years of life!”

God replies, “Oh shit! I didn’t recognize you!”

 

The Medium

 

Jake dies.

Becky goes to one of those mediums and the medium looks into her crystal ball and a voice comes out. “Becky.”

She says, “Is that you, Jake?”

“It’s me, Becky.”

“Really! How is it, Jake?”

“Oh Becky, it’s wonderful.  Every day I wake up, the first thing I do in the morning is have sex.  And then I have some breakfast.  And then I take a little nap. Sex again. And then lunch. And then a nap. And then I have sex, snack, and then I take another little nap.  Sex, nap, food, wonderful!  And I do this seven days a week.”

“Jake, you’re so lucky.  Heaven must be wonderful.”

“Who’s in heaven? I’m in a bull in Montana.”

 

 

Grief

A man is walking through a cemetery when off in the distance he hears someone wailing, “Oy, why did you die, oy, why?”

As he walks closer, he sees the voice is coming from an elderly gentleman in a black yarmulke, praying at a grave-stone and repeating over and over again, “Oy, why did you die, why? Why did you die, why, why, why?”

The man goes up to the mourner and says, “Excuse me, sir, I don’t want to bother you in your time of grief, but the deceased must have been a very dear loved one.”

The mourner cries, “ No, I didn’t even know him.”

“You didn’t know him? Then who is it?”

The elderly gentleman replies in wails and tears, “It was my wife’s first husband! Why, oh why did you have to die?”

 

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Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/17/2014

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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, drinks it and then looks in his pocket.  Orders another drink and then looks in his pocket again.

He does this three times and finally the bartender says, “Pardon me, but I’ve got to ask, What have you got in your pocket?”

The man says, “It’s a picture of my wife.  When she starts looking good, it’s time for me to go home.”

Two Minnesotan’s go into a bar and start buying drinks for everyone, slapping each other on the back and having a celebration whooping and hollering.  Somebody asks. “Why are you guys whooping it up so much? What’s the occasion?”

“Well,” one of them says, “We just finished putting together a jig saw puzzle and it only took 2 months.”

The bartender says,” A jig saw puzzle?  That shouldn’t take two months to finish!”

The Minnesotan says, “Oh yeah!  On the box it says two to four years!”

 

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

The string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

 

 

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” “That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.  “My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?” “I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?” “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an ‘F’ in sex”

 

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

‘What are you doing?”  She asked.

‘Hunting Flies’ He responded.

‘Oh. ! Kill any?’ She asked.

‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. ‘How can you tell them apart?’

He responded, 3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone

Ole and Lena went into McDonalds in Minnetonka.  Ole placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

Ole unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife, Lena.

Ole then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of Lena.

Ole took a sip of the drink, then Lena took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As Ole began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. Ole said, they were just fine, yah we are used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed that Lena hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time Lena ‘No, tank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the Ole finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to Lena, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked:  ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

Lena answered:  “The teeth.”

 

 

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar.

Ole says, “Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”

“Aw crap . . .,” says his friend Swen, “and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!”

 

 

Groaner

After a visit to a local house of ill repute,a man notices green lumps on his manhood, so he goes to the doctors.

“That’s serious” says the doctor.  “You know how boxers and rugby players get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.

“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

 

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Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/01/2014

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“Lexiphile” is a word used to describe those that have love for words, like:
you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish, or:

 

 To write with a broken pencil is . . pointless.
Thank you so much for doing this!
 
Ken
 
When fish are in schools, they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . .. . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in  Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name . . .  and a dress.
When you’ve seen one shopping center . . . you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be .  .  .  exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.

 

A boiled egg is. . . hard to beat.
Three Englishmen are getting wasted in a pub when they spot an Irishman sitting off in a corner.  For a little amusement one of the Englishmen approaches him.
“Did you know that St. Patrick was a sissy?”  he asks.
“Oh no, I dinnae know that.” the Irishman replies.  “Thank ye.”
The Englishman returns to his friends, complaining that he hadn’t gotten a rise out of the Irishman.  The second Englishman decides to try.
“Hey did you know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?” he asks.
“Oh no, i donna know that. Thank you for the information,”  the Irishman replies. 
The second man returns to his friends, amazed that he too, had not gotten to this guy.  The third man thinks he has the solution.
He approaches the Irishman and asks him: “did y’know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?”
Oh, no I hadn’t heard that but I believe that’s what y’r friends have been trying to tell me” 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/10/2014

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Laws They Dont Teach in Physics  6-10

 

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.
Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5.
Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13.
Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

15.
Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

16.
Law of Public Speaking A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17.
Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18.
Doctors’ Law - If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

 

 

The Tap Dancing Duck 6-10

 

 A guy walks into a bar and sees everyone crowded around a table, watching a little show.  On the table is an upside down pot with a duck tap dancing on it.

The man is impressed and announces that he is the owner of the Hamilton Brothers Circus and would like to buy the duck.
After some wheeling and dealing , the circus owner pays the bartender $10 000 for the duck.  Feeling generous, the bartender even throws in the pot.
The next day the circus owner storms back into the bar.  “Your duck is a ripoff!  I put him out there on a stage before a sold out audience and he just stood there.
The bartender responds with: That’s weird…or did you forget to light the candle under the pot?

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/27/2014

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A drunk, man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plasteredwith red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened hisnewspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”, Then he returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said,nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

 

There were two elderly people living in Fort Meyers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, ‘Will you marry me?’

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered ‘Yes. Yes, I will!’

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. ‘Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?’

He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

Finally, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening.  As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, ‘When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?’

He was delighted to hear her say, ‘Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.’ Then she continued, ‘And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.’

 

For several months, Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park. One day Russ didn’t show up. Fred didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn’t know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and– lo and behold!–there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?’ Russ replied, ‘I have been in jail.’ ‘Jail!’ cried Fred. What in the world for?’ ‘Well,’ Russ said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’ ‘Yeah,’ said Fred, ‘I remember her. What about her? ‘Well, the little gold-digging figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’. ‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

 

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the fire fighter said with admiration. ‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon toher dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. ‘Little partner,’ the fire fighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’ The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

 

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’ The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up,’ says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’ The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/13/2014

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Long Lasting Marriage Secrets

I have discovered the secrets to a long lasting marriage; here they are:

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/06/2014

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The New Alphabet for SeniorsOld Alphabet :
A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won’t float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.Now The New Alphabet:
A’s for arthritis; B’s the bad back, C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line! F is for farting and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I’d rather not mention.H high blood pressure–I’d rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L ‘s for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next.. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow!P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new! Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know..W for worry, now what’s going ’round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y for another year I’m left here behind, Z is for zest I still have– in my mind!
I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,
And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed! 
       
pastedGraphic_1.png

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/29/2014

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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrives at the casino. She seems a little intoxicated and bets twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice, and with an Irish brogue yells, “Come on, baby! Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

 

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. “You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?” “Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!” “Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?” “I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick, ”So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin …” Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. “Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.” “Are you sure?” “I’m fookin sure.” Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

 

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris. “Dat it is.” There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!” The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. “Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?” “Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”

 

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga , Wyoming . He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.      After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, ‘If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?’      The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, ‘Nah, you go ahead.’      Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.      He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.      The old cowboy quietly says, ‘Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.’

 

Elderly couple texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her:

“I’m on the toilet.

Please advise.”

 

 

Retired Men’s Humor 04/22/2013

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Two blonde men find three grenades and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: “what if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says, “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

 

A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said, “close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.  The whole street was watching and laughing at you last night.”

To which the blonde man replied, “Well, the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even home last night.”

 

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.  It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.”  He spent two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

 

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the 911 operator.

“NO!” he shouts. “This is her husband!”

 

A blonde man’s dog is missing and he is frantic.  His wife said to him, “why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper?”  he puts the ad in the paper, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the ad,’ his wife asked.

“Here boy, here boy!”

 

A tourist asks a blond man who is a scuba diver, “Why do you scuba divers always fall backward off the boats to get into the water?”

To which the blonde man replies, “If we fell forward, we’d still be in the boat.”

 

 

Retired Men’s Humor  04/07/2013

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American Bank sent this message to all of its customers quite a few years ago:

 

Please note that American Bank is installing new Drive-thru” automatic teller machines know as ATM’s.

To enable our valued customers to use this new convenient banking service, these are the simple procedures to follow to take advantage of these convenient machines.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e., MALE or FEMALE) AND REMEMBER THEM WHEN YOU USE THE MACHINES.

MALE PROCEDURE

  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Wind down your car window.
  3. Insert ATM card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter the amount of cash you wish to withdraw..
  5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
  6. Wind up window.
  7. Drive off.

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE

 

  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
  3. Re-start the stalled engine.
  4. Wind the window down.
  5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate ATM card.
  6. Turn the radio down.
  7. Attempt to insert the card into the machine.
  8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
  9. Insert card.

 

  1. Re-insert card the right way up.
  2. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  3. Enter PIN.

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 03/04/2014

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An old Italian man is dying.  Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.  He calls his grandson to his bedside.
“Guido, I wan’ you lissina me.  I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.  How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy.  Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.  Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up’ “?

 

I’m not saying we should kill all the stupid people…I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

 

Gone are the days when the girls cooked like their mother’s.  Now they drink like their father’s.

 

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by looking at their hands.  For instance, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably mad.

 

You know those “Do Not Disturb” signs you find in hotels.  Some days I wish I could wear one around my neck.

 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you see a beautiful woman?  That’s common sense leaving your body.

 

I don’t like making plans for the day, because then they the word “premeditated” gets thrown around the courtroom.

 

Because of this here meeting, I didn’t make it to the gym today.  That makes 5 years in a row.

 

I’m hate to be the one to break news to some wives and counsels, but technically according to chemistry, alcohol IS a solution.

 

I have to stop saying, “How stupid can you be”.  Too many people are taking that as a challenge.

 

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.  But I really thought you already knew that.

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 02/18/2014

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The Bequests

Ole Olson is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. Gathered around his bed for his last moments on this earth are his wife, his daughter, his two sons, and his hospice nurse is there as well.

“So,” he whispers to them, “my oldest son, Sven, I want you to take the Minetonka houses.”

“My beloved daughter, Lena, you should take the apartments over in Edina.”

My second son, Ove, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin, and Grunhilda, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this.  As Ole slips away, she says, “Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been an amazing man to have accumulated all that property.”

“Property?!” Grunhilda replies. “The idiot had a paper route.”

 

The Brothers

A Scotsman walks into a bar and tells the bartender that he  will have three shots of their finest single malt scotch.

The bartender says, “A triple scotch, OK. Do you want that on the rocks?”

“No, laddie, three single shots of your finest single malt scotch.

The Scotsman drinks them down one at a time, pays, and leaves.

A month later, the Scotsman comes in again and again asks for the three shots of their finest single malt scotch, drinks them down one at a time and leaves.

Another month later, in the Scot comes again and orders the three shots.  This time the bartender could not control his curiosity and asks him why he comes in each month and orders the three shots.

“The Scot says, “Well, Laddie, I am one of three brothers and we made a pact that on the first Tuesday of every month at the same time, we would be together in spirit by drinking  one shot of the finest single malt scotch for each of us as a celebration of our brotherly love.”

Month after month, the Scotsman came into the same bar on the first Tuesday at the same time and drank his three shots.  As a matter of fact, it got to be such a routine that the bartender had the shots on the bar when he came in.

One Tuesday, the Scotsman came in and told the bartender to take one of the shots away.  “I cannot drink it; I’ll just have two today.”

The bartender said, “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry for your loss. Which of your brothers did you lose and how did it happen?”

“Oh no” said the Scotsman. “I can only have two today because I gave up drinking for lent.”

I’ve Had enough of Your Mother

Herman and Rose Ginsberg are in their retirement home down in Florida.  Herman calls his son, Irving, in New York. Irving says, “Dad, you never call; there’s something wrong isn’t there?  Dad, what’s wrong?”

Herman says, “I can’t take it anymore; I’m getting a divorce.!”

Irving says, “What! A divorce! Dad, you and Mom have been married for 53 years and now you’re telling me you’re going to divorce Mom. Dad, what is going on?  Tell me, what are you thinking.”

Herman says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And he’s adamant; he won’t say anything except “I don’t want to talk about it.”

The son says, “Dad, this is such a shock; I’ll have to call you back, but please don’t do anything until I get back to you.”

The son immediately calls his sister in Virginia and says, “Look, sis, I just got a call from Dad and he says he’s going to divorce Mom.  We can’t let that happen.  We have to stop it.  We’ve got to get down to Florida as soon as possible and talk him out of it?”  So you agree. Great!

He calls his father back and says, “Look, Dad, don’t do anything rash. Liz and I are going to come down there and talk to you face-to-face and show you the reasons why you shouldn’t do this.  What’s the best time to come?”

Dad says, “I told you I don’t want to talk about it, but if you insist on coming, come on Friday.”

Herman hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, “Good news, Rose.  The kids are coming for Passover and they’re paying their own way.”

 

The Second Time

 

Mr. and Mrs. Shapiro go to the doctor and, at the end, the doctor calls in Mrs. Shapiro.

The doctor says to her, “Mrs. Shapiro, you’re fine.  You’re husband’s fine.  There’s just one problem, your husband tells me that there’s a little problem with his sex life.  Just a little problem there.”

She says, “So, what’s the problem?”

“Well, he says, the first time it’s perfectly fine.  But the second time, he starts to perspire and sweat and is completely soaked afterward.  You understand that?”

She says, “Yeah. The first time’s in November; the second time’s July.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 02/04/2014

Senior tax return

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: “List all dependents?”

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;

535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.”

1 President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

 

This guy and his redneck buddy go into a pastry shop.
The guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn’t notice.
He then says to the redneck, “You see how clever I am?
You rednecks can never beat that!”
The redneck says to his buddy, “Watch this. A Redneck is always smarter.”
He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick!”
The baker gives him the cookie which redneck promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.

Then he says again, “Give me one more cookie…”
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Redneck eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “And where is your famous magic trick?”
The redneck says, “Look in his pocket!”

 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’

 

Liberal Paradise
“…A “Liberal Paradise” would be a place where everybody has
guaranteed employment, free comprehensive health care, free
education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities,
and only Law Enforcement has guns. And believe it or not, such a
place does indeed exist …… …It’s called prison.”

 

Whenever someone says to me, “You look familiar, where have I seen you before?”

I like to answer with, “Do you watch porn?”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 1/21/2014

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These were for the week that was canceled due to cold weather.

And I was thinking, “I’ll remember 2013 like it was last month.”

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Did you hear what the dyslexic State Highway Patrolman did on New Year’s?

He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.’s

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A friend of mine volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On their first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

The woman thought about this for a while before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

*************************************************************************************A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ Said the bartender

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘Ten Cents,’ the bartender replied.

‘Ten Cents?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied, “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

 

Three Congressmen walk into the same bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve Congressmen here.”

The Congressmen say, “That’s OK. We don’t serve you either.”

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion last summer.  She kept staring at a drunken man, slugging down drink after drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes” she sighed, “He’s my old high school boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago.  And I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My Gosh!”  I said, “Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Then the fight started.

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Dr. Doolittle was working with his honeybees late one spring day

and he began to worry that the unusually hot weather might be making

the bees uncomfortable.  He worried that they might in fact leave his hive to seek more comfortable quarters.

He peeked into the top of the hive and asked the queen bee, “What’s the temperature like in there?”

The queen bee responded, “Swarm.”

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I am going to try and end each of my joke sessions with a pun.

That last joke was a pun, and you know, it’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 1/14/2014

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Yesterday I was at the Petco store buying a large bag of dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog.  I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had an elephant?
So I told her no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Chow Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Dog Chow and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked, if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned you, why would I do it again?
I told her no it didn’t poison me, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

 

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded with rolls of sod.

“I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced the 1st blonde.

“Do what?’ the 2nd blonde asked.

“Send my lawn out to be mowed.”

 

A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning.

It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy.  He told the preacher that he would attend his church if the preacher would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation.  The preacher agreed and drank the brandy.

Sunday morning, the man visited the church.  The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said, “I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning.  I went to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given.”

 

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.  “Give me your money,” he demanded.

The man replies, ”You can’t do this!  I’m a United States Congressman!”

The mugger replied, “In that case, give me my money.”

 

A woman tells her husband, “There’s trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor.”

The husband replies, “Water in the carburetor?  That’s ridiculous.”

The woman assures him, “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

To that the husband says, “You don’t even know what a carburetor is.  I’ll check it out.  Where’s the car?”

The woman replies, “In the swimming pool.”

 

O’Malley was arrested and sent for trial on armed bank robbery.

After a long deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, “Not guilty.”

“That’s great!” shouted O’Malley.  “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 12/10/2013

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During the French Revolution the guillotine is invented and condemned persons were subjected to its mercy.
One morning three prisoners were taken from the dungeons to begin the day of executions.  The first man, an artist, was led to the guillotine machine and the lever was pulled and nothing happened.  “An act of God declared the executioner.”  “He is free to go”
The second man, a farmer, was placed in the machine and again, nothing happened when the lever was pulled.  The executioner again declared “an act of God, he is free to go”
The third man, an engineer, is led to his place in the guillotine.  As he kneels down he happens to glance up and yells “stop, I see the problem!”
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous

and give the wrong answers. — A Bit of Fry and Laurie
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.
Slogan of FM105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of all the radio stations in Chicago… we’re one of them.”
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little  speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:   “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’ wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people”.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make  the presentation and gave his talk:   “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived”, said the politician. “In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 12/3/2013

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Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineering student replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind
firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year so we always let them play for free anytime!.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?  Mechanical engineers build weapons.  Civil engineers build targets

.
Understanding Engineers #5

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 11/26/2013

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The Czech Hunters

A couple of hunters from Prague, Czechoslovakia are out hunting, and an enormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters. Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly. The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc. Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear that’s closest to them. “No, not that one,” shouts the surviving hunter, “That’s the female. The Czech is in the male.”

 

The Talkative Hunter

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, “Did you see that?””No,”says  the second guy .”Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,” the first guy says. “Oh,” says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, “Did you see that?””See what?” the second guy asks. “Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.””Oh”, says the second guy.”A few minutes later the first guy says: “Did you see that?”By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, “Yes, I did!”And the first guy says: “Then why did you step in it?”

 

Ole and Sven get lost

One day Ollie and SVEN were Deer Hunting, and they got lost.  Ollie tells Sven “wait, don’t panic I learned what to do in case this happens.  You’re supposed to shoot up into the air three times and someone will hear you and come with help,” “Okay” said Sven.  So he shoots three times into the air.  They both wait an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot three times again and still no one shows up. Bewildered they try this again and again for the next couple of hours.  Sven starts to look a little worried and says to Ollie, “It better work this time, were down to our last three arrows!”

 

Ole and Sven Shoot  6 deer

Ollie and Sven got a pilot to fly them into the far north for deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your deer, you will have to leave two behind.” They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage,  looking around, Ollie said, “Sven. Do you have any idea of where we are?” “I think so,” said Sven. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 11/19/2013

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When you’re raised in the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. “

Is your dad or mom home?” asked the farmer.

“No, they went to town” said the boy.

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?” asked the farmer.

“No, he went with Mom and Dad” the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message” said the boy.

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad.   It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment…  “You would have to talk to Dad about that.   I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

*************************************************************************************

Bill and I were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

I replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

**********************************************************************************

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

************************************************************************************

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

***********************************************************************************

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but how they got into the light bulb beats me.

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

A nurse named Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. ‘Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace.

‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.’

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Tracy, the nurse in the hallway. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’

‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.’

‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy , ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’

Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/29/2013

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“This hotel stinks!” a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. “What’s wrong?” The hotel clerk asked.

“I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!” The clerk apologized for the noise and checked him out.

A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, the clerk made the mistake of asking how their stay was.                                               “Terrible!” they said. “The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!”

********************************************************************************

Remember, every woman is a beautiful, gorgeous and sexy living being. It just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

*******************************************************************************

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…”Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

*************************************************************************************

In time for Halloween

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe….as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.

Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor however; come in, and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife into the mansion.

An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.  Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master!…..The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

***********************************************************************************

In time for next Sunday

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his privates with black shoe polish.

I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/08//2013

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Ole and Sven were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,’ said Sven, ‘but we don’t have a ladder.

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, ‘Eighteen feet, six inches, and walked away.

Ole shook his head, laughed and said to Sven,  “Ain’t that just like a woman!  We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

**********************************************************************************

Swen says to Ole – I’m ready for a vacation, only this year I’m going

to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Norway and Lena got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Lena got pregnant.

Last year I went to England and Lena got pregnant.

Swen asks – So what are you going to do this year?

Ole replies, – I tink I’ll take her with me!

**********************************************************************
Ole says to Lena, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”….

Ole says, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th

***************************************************************************

Ole and Swen find three hand grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Swen says,”What if one explodes before we get there?”

Ole: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

*************************************************************************

Ole goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I tink it’s got epilepsy”

he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to

me”.

Ole says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

*****************************************************************************
Ole spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO

NOT BEND “.

Ole spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to

pick the bloody thing up.

*****************************************************************************

Ole shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her

contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No”, shouts Ole, “this is her husband!”

Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”…the woman asked her husband.

“No”…said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse…and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra…and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her …and smiled approvingly.

“Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?”… she then asked her husband?

“No ..no, I haven’t” …he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill… and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now” …she said. “Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?”

“No, never” …he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused… and excited).

“Well, go and look in the garage!”…she said.

*********************************************************************************

Four surgeons were discussing what persons from certain occupations were the easiest to do surgery on.

The first surgeon said, “Teachers are the easiest to perform surgery on since everything is alphabetized….So you just connect Part A, B, C and so forth.

The second surgeon said, “No, accountants are the easiest… Everything in numbered: 1, 2, 3, 4 and so on.   Just connect the numbers.”

The third surgeon said, “You’re both wrong the easiest person to perform surgery on is an electrician.   Everything inside is color coded.  All you have to is connect the red part to the other red part, the black part to black, white to white, green to green, etc.”

The fourth surgeon said, “Well, You all are wrong.   Politicians are the easiest to do surgery on.”   They don’t have a spine or a backbone, and their ass and brain are interchangeable.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 09/03/2013

The counselor asked me if I ever look at my wife when I’m making love. I said, “I did once and she had an angry look on her face”. He asked, “Why angry?” I said, “Because she was watching me from outside the window”.

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; as you can see, we’re joined side by side at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”
    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, boys”?
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, theculture…”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John.  “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

Did you ever notice when a woman says, “What” it isn’t that she didn’t hear you, it’s because she’s giving you a second chance.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, this guy meets a man with a beard. ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he asks. No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.’ Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’ ‘Why no,’ he answers, ‘I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.’
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.
He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’
‘No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.’
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! he can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.
Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
‘Are you Mohammed?’ he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. ‘No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?’
He says, ‘Yes please!’  As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: “Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!”

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads
for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks …
“Honey, I’ve been thinking … now that we are married, I think it’s time you quit hunting, golfing, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat, and golf clubs.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t.”

I told my wife, “If I say I’m going to fix something, I’m going to fix it.  She doesn’t have to remind me every 6 months.”

It’s funny when my wife gives me the silent treatment.  She thinks it’s a punishment.

If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I don’t think I would want to.  I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I’m annoying.

They say men don’t have feelings.  Well, I’m here to tell you that’s not true.  For example right now I feel hungry.

 

Hello, is this the Police?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
The phone rings at Billy’s house: “Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?”
“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”

“Merry Christmas, Buddy”

 

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawn’s in his eyes and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the BaptistChurch and I had to quit drinking.”  “It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either!”

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’

 

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 08/30/2013

THE GYM

I had gym experience recently.  My wife decided that it would be a good idea if I went to the gym with her.  She goes to the gym every day.  I always make cracks about her “going to the gym” Oh sure.  So she tells me that I can do her workout with her just to prove that she actually does work out.

She figures that I’m a guy.  I’ve spent a good part of my life lifting stuff and I’ve always said, “ Hon, I’ll do that; it’s much too heavy for you and I don’t want you getting hurt.”

Could you let your wife lift more weight than you?  No!  She showed me how to use all these machines, she picks one and  says, “OK,  you’ve got to do 15 curls. She does 15 to show me how its done, and I remember how to do it , so I do 15, and then I get off the machine , she gets on, but before she gets on, she adds weight to the thing.  Now she does another 15, Effortlessly!  So being a guy, I do 15 while trying to look like its nothing, but I’m dying now. She then  does another set of 15 with even more weight.  My body , you know, the whole body feels like it had been run over by a truck. I felt like that for 5 days afterwards. I used two tubes of Ben Gay – I was rubbing it on my eyes because my eyes even hurt. My hair even hurt.  Everything hurt. It almost killed me.  My pride kept me from saying Uncle.

I swore that I’d never go back there again. And I’m never going to say one single thing about where or when my wife goes anywhere again, or she might just make me go along again.

 

THE HEALTH CLUB

But for my birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.

I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya who said she’s a 26 year old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.  My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

It was suggested that it would be a good idea to keep an exercise diary to chart my progress.

DAY ONE

Started the morning at 6:30 A/M.  Tough to get up but worth it when I arrived at the health club where Tanya was waiting for me.  She’s something of a goddess with blonde hair and dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.  She seemed a little alarmed  that it was so high,  but I think just standing next to her in that body sculpting outfit must have added about ten points to it.

I really enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging.  I did my sit-ups, but my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her.

DAY TWO

It took a whole pot of coffee to get me out of the door, but I made it.  Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air, then she put weights on it, for god’s sake.  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile.  Her smile made it all worthwhile.

DAY THREE

The only way I could brush my teeth was by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I’m sure I’ve developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagon at the club.  Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members.

DAY FOUR

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth and full snarl. I couldn’t help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that long just to tie my shoes.  She wanted me to lift dumbbells –  not a chance, Tanya!  …The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason  dumbbells – my aching butt!…  I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars in to get me.  As punishment she made me try the rowing machine.  It sank!

DAY FIVE

I hate Tanya more than any human being on the planet.  If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it.  Let my stomach hang out as far as possible in hopes that she would write me off as a disaster and resign, but the witch didn’t. She pushed me onto the treadmill and hit the “Go” button.  Feet wouldn’t move – just stood there and at 4 ½ miles per hour,  my whole body shot off the back of the belt and slammed into some old woman doing sit-ups and sent her false teeth flying onto the running track. Crunch! Crunch!  I didn’t think an old bitty could gum such fowl language and hit so hard.  Must be Tanya’s grandmother!

DAY SIX

I hear Tanya’s message on my answering machine wondering where I am. Says she’s sending Lars the gym Nazi to get me if I’m not there in 15 minutes. I lack the strength to even pick up the cell phone to call in my resignation. Lars carries me into the gym where the terrorist Tanya is waiting with her goulish smile.  I hear screamingI watch eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

DAY SEVEN

The nurse tells me somebody called 911 from the gym because of the screaming – something about  kidnapping and torture. She says she’s not my nurse, she’s from physical therapy, I say she looks familiar.  She says I might know her sister, Tanya who is a personal trainer.  More screaming!!

Well, that’s the week.  Thank god it’s over.  Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun like a gift certificate for a root canal.

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/30/2013

Lena and Ole Jokes – II

Ole and Lena jokes are Norwegian jokes, which are similar to Polish jokes only they are Norwegian.

So a Norwegian joke goes like this… Once there was a Norwegian that took his wife with him wherever he went just so he didn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

*************************************************************************

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, “How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?”

“Just a minute,” said the busy clerk.

“Vell, said Lena, “If it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll just take da bus.”

*******************************************************************************

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, “Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!”

******************************************************************************

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:  ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Oslo.

The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD !’

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.  While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’

Ole, sitting in the plane yelled out: “Vat da Hey now, you should see da back of mine”

*******************************************************************************

The Michigan judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged Ole with non-support.

The judge said to Ole, “I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.”

“Vell, dat’s fine, Judge,” said Ole. “And vunce in a while I’ll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.”

*******************************************************************************

Lena and Ole lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota .

It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across the lake, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake.

Ven she got home and gave Ole his beer, she asked him, “Ole, How come you normally tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

So Ole and Lena were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.  After a while all the guest had left and then Lena punches Ole in the arm and says, “That’s for 25 years of bad sex.”

A moment later Ole punches Lena in the shoulder and said “That’s for knowing the difference.”

******************************************************************************

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said Ole, “I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.”

“How come,” asked Lars?

“Vell,” Ole answered, “because vith a clarinet she can’t sing.”

******************************************************************************

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.

While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, “Are you a pole vaulter?”

Ole said, “No, I’m Norvegian and my name isn’t Valter.”

So Sven and Ole go on a fishing trip up in Canada.  They only catch three fish.  Swens says to Ole…”The way I figure it, each of them three fish cost us $400.00.”

“Well, at that price”, says Ole, “It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of dem than we did.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/23/2013

PARKING TIKET

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.  Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.  We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.  

We went up to him and said, "how about giving a senior citizen a break?"    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.  So my wife called him a s...-head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote...  Personally, we didn't care.  We came into town by bus and saw the car had a Bears sticker.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired...  It's important at our age.

  

Living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room one evening and he said to her:

“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.

 

INNER PEACE

By following some simple advice I read in a magazine article, I finally found inner peace …….. the article read: “To achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started.”

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished . . . and before leaving the house this morning . . .  .

I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey’s, Kalua, and Wild Turkey, ¼ keg of LaBatts blue, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and the rest of a box of chocolates. . . .you have no idea how doggone good I feel.

  

THE BOX DONATION

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to the priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do mean, almost?”

The Irish man said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You’re not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box.”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.”

 

POLISH SAUSAGE

A fellow walking into the store and said to the clerk, “I’d like 3 lbs. of Polish sausage.”

The clerk said, “Are you Polish, sir?”

The indignant man said, “I come in here and ask for Polish sausage and you ask me if I’m Polish!  If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask if I’m Italian? If I asked for bratwurst, would you ask if I was German?  If I asked for kosher wieners, would you ask if I was a Jew?

I’ll bet if I walked in her and asked for some Irish whiskey, you wouldn’t ask me if I was Irish, so why would you ask if I’m Polish just because I asked for 3 lbs. of Polish sausage?

“Because, Sir, this is a Home Depot!”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/16/2013

A Man Walks Into A Bar Jokes

 A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender.  “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.”    He finishes the drink and says again, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.”   Drinks that and says again, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.”   Finally the bartender says, “When this trouble gonna start?”  And the man says, “The trouble starts as soon as you realize that I don’t have any money.”

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A cowboy walks into a bar.  His shirt and vest are made of wax paper, his hat is made of brown wrapping paper, even his boots and chaps are made of paper and the spurs are made of tissue paper.    Pretty soon they arrested him rustling.

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A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

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A naked man walks into a bar with just a pair of battery jumper cables around his neck.   He says to the bartender, “Give me a beer.”  The bartender says. “Okay, but you better not start anything!”

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A man walked into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender said, “Yes, we do!” “Good,” replied the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.

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A font walks into a bar…the bartender says “We don’t serve your type here.

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A golf club walks into a bar and asks for a whisky. The barman refuses to serve him. “Why?” asks the golf club. And the barman says, “Because I know you’re going to be driving later!”

A dyslectic walked into a bra.

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A man walks into a bar and there’s a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.  They start sharing a drink together and started talking.  She leans over and says “I want you to make me feel like a real woman.”

So he takes off his jacket and says, “I need this ironed.”

A tourist walks into a bar and sees a dog sitting in a chair playing poker with a couple of guys.  The tourist then asks the bartender, “Is that dog really playing poker?”

The bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not very good.  Every time he gets a good hand he starts wagging his tail.

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An old man and his wife walk into a bar.  Immediately, the old man goes over to a group of young woman and starts talking to them.   The bartender asks the wife, “Doesn’t that bother you that your husband is always making passes at the young women around here?

And she says, “Not really, Just because dogs chase cars doesn’t mean they know how to drive.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/25/2013

-An elderly gentleman was strolling through the park when he happended upon a young boy sitting on a bench eating a box of candy bars.  “Young man,” said the elder, “You shouldn’t be eating so many candy bars; you’ll get sick.”

The young boy looked up from his candy, “My grandfather lived to be a hundred-and-three years old.”

The old man was interested, “Oh yeah, and he ate a lot of candy bars?”  The boy replied, “No, he minded his own damned business.”

 

-Another old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.  A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.  He had spiked hair of all different colors – green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.  The old man just stared.

The young man said, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.  I was just wondering if you were my son.”

 

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and had decided to get married.  There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was my girlfriend’s beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my girlfriend’s “little sister” called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.  She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.  She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want that one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door.  I opened the door and headed straight for my car.  Lo and Behold!  My entire future family was standing outside clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family!

And the moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/11/2013

Mother walks into her son’s bedroom one Sunday morning and says, “Son, wake up. It’s Sunday morning and time to go to church.”

The son just groaned and turned over.

“Son, get up! It’s time and you don’t want to be late.”

Son: “Mom, I’m not going to church today.”

Mom: “Oh yes you are, now get your butt out of bed.”

Son: “I AM NOT GOING TO CHURCH and I’ll give you two reasons why I’m not going; One – they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

Mom says, “Yes you are going to church and I’ll give YOU  two reasons why: One, you’re forty years old, and Two, you’re the pastor!”

 

On some air bases the Air force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference.  If it’s an American Airlines flight, its 3 o-clock.  If it’s an Air Force plane, its 1500 hours.  If it’s a Navy aircraft, it’s 6 bells.  If it’s an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.  If it’s a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”

“Well, snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered Seaman.  I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again.”

 

 

A pastor who had a drinking problem went to a hypnotist and was cured.  Every time he was offered a drink, he would just automatically turn his back and walk away.  And he wouldn’t even remember the incident. In thinking about it, hewondered if he could use that technique on his congregation.

So the next Sunday when preaching, he took out a pocket watch and gently swung it back and forth on its gold chain for a few minutes. He ended his sermon with the words, “Five dollars,

After the service, he checked the collection basket and found it was filled with five dollar bills.

So he repeated the exercise the next Sunday, swinging the gold watch on its chain, he just said “ten dollars.”  And sure enough, after the service the basket was full of ten dollar bills.

So the next Sunday, he decided to go for twenty dollar bills and as he was swinging the watch, it slipped out of his hand and crashed to the floor in pieces as he exclaimed, “Oh, CRAP!”

 

 

A pair of Irish ditch-diggers were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they saw a Protestant Minister lurking about and ducking into the house.

Would ya look at that, Darby” said Paddy.  “What a shameful disgrace, those protestant Reverends sinning in a house the like of that place.”  They both shook their heads in disgust and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied on him.

“Did ya see that, Darby?” Paddy asked in shock and disbelief.  “Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?  I just can’t understand what the world is coming to these days.  A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh.  “Tis a shame, I tell ya!”

A little while later they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if anyone was watching, and then sneaking in the door.

“Oh no, Darby, look!” said Paddy, removing his cap.  “One of the poor girls musta died.”

 

 

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped the skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the first step onto the bus only to discover that she could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.  And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust, she could not raise her leg high enough because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the bus driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the bus line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.  Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him “How dare you touch my body!!! I don’t even know who you are.”

At this, the Texan drawled, “ Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/14/2013

Blonde Story

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to–do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  “Well, you can paint my porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

After looking about, the blonde responded, “How about $100?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials she would need were in the garage.  From inside the house the man’s wife heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should; she was standing on it.  Do you think she’s dumb?”

“No, I guess I’m guilty of being influenced by all the ‘dumb blonde’ email jokes we’ve been getting.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the husband asked.  “Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his picket for the $100 and handed it to her.

“And by the way, “the blonde added, “ it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

 

He said – she said

He: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you don’t have anything to put in it.

She: You wear briefs, don’t you.

 

She:  What do mean by coming home half drunk?

He:   It’s not my fault, I ran out of money.

 

He:  Since I first met you I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She:  Well, you’ve succeeded!

 

He:  Should we try a different position tonight?

She: That’s a good idea.  You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the couch.”

 

Priest: I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.

She:   Who’s gonna look?

 

He:  What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

He:  Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

She: Okay, but if you get home before me, leave the hallway light on.

 

He:  Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She: I would but you’re never there.

 

The Cheating Wife

A man returning home from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to catch her in the act.

For $100 the cabby agreed to be a witness.  Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.  The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

When the husband pulled out a gun, put it to the man’s head, his wife shouted, “Don’t do it!  This man has been very generous.  Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you?  He did!  Who do you think paid for the new cabin cruiser?  He did!  Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?  He does!”

The husband looked over at the cab driver and asked, “What would you do in a case like this?”  The cabby said, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.”

 

The Magic Frog

The 78 year old man loved to fish.  He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked around and could not see anyone.  He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again say, “Pick me up.”  He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”  The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you.  Pick me up and kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have ever dreamed of.”

The man looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front breast picket.

Then the frog said, “Are you nuts, didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.”  The man opened his picket, looked at the frog and said, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

 

The Fight

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.  His arm in a sling, his nose broken, his face cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little crapper, O’Connor?” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you; he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “A shovel is what he had and a terrible lickin he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean, “You should have defended yourself, didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy.  “Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but totally useless in a fight.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/07/2013

“I’m doing what I can”, said the doctor, “but I can’t make you any younger.” “I don’t want to get younger”, said the patient, “I just want to get older.”

A guy calls the hospital. He says. “You gotta help me…my wife’s going into labor.” The nurse says, “Is this her first child?” “No,” he says. “This is her husband.”

A man was stopped by a game warden in Upper Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch these fish?” The man replied to the warden, “No sir, these are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?” the warden replied. “Yes sir, every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home.” “That’s a bunch of hooey? Fish can’t do that!” The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you, it really works.” “Ok, I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well.” “Well, what?” the man responded. “When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted. “Call who back?” asked the fisherman. “The FISH!” “What fish?”  the man asked!

Golf Jokes

Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, ‘What the hell is taking so long?’

‘My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,’ Jim explained. ‘I want to make a perfect shot.’

“Don’t be silly,” his companion said, ‘You don’t have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.’

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A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.  He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.  Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, “Are you a good golfer?”  to which the man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”

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A 70 year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.  He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn’t anybody he could play because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.  Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.

The 70 year old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been play quite well.  The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”

And he did play well.  Coming to the par four 18th they were even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.  The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.  Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!  Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trop where his opponent was still standing in the trap.  He said, “Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps.!

“I do,” replied the old man.  “Can you give me a hand?”

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Roger and Charlie emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first hole, but Roger looked distracted.

“Anything the matter?” Charlie asked.

“Na, it’s just that I can’t stand the club pro,” Roger replied. “He’s just been trying to correct my stance.”

Well, he’s only trying to help your game,” Charlie soothed.

“Yeah, Roger says, but I was using the urinal at the time.”

Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said. “Hey, guess what?!   I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”

The second golfer replies, “Great trade!”

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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”

He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/23/2013

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Ed always wanted to fly in a helicopter, but Norma always replied,
“I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,
“Norma, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”

Norma replied, “Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

The helicopter pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!

But if you say one word, It will be fifty dollars each.”

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word…

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.   I’m really impressed! ”

Ed replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out.

 

But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

 

 

A Man goes into see his doctor.

Patient says: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I’m Donald Duck and on other mornings I think I’m Mickey Mouse.”

Doctor says:  “Hmmmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?”

 

There were three men on a hill and each one had a watch.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man, “How did you do that.

The third man said, “Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!”

*************************************************************************************An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no Mercedes in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But…. The decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife. “Oh, that’s his mistress,” says her husband. “Ours is prettier,” she replies.

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

”Yes ma’am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. ”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/16/2013

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river.  He proceeds to walk down into the water and stands next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”  The drunk looks around and says, “Yess, Preacher . . I shurr am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.  “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.  “Nooo, I didn’t!”said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, ”Now brother, have you found Jesus/”  “Noooo, I did not Reverrrrend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My good man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher . . .”Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

 

 

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives.  To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and hides it.  “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?  The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he has only one eye.”

The policeman says, “ Well . .  uh..that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the same picture at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he has only one ear.”  The policeman angrily responds, “For God’s sake.  What’s the matter with you two?  Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING  because it’s a picture of his profile!  Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “Now,  think hard before giving me a stupid answer.  This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”  The third blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm,  the suspect wears contact lenses   “

The policeman is shocked and says, “Wow, I can’t believe it …it’s TRUE.  The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.  Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the third blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”

 

 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.  She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.  The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.  The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out.  The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.  An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the rolls into the bank’s underground parking garage.  Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the $15.41 interest.  The loan officer says, “Miss, we are happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a bit puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”  The blonde replies, “where else in New York City could I safely park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 ?”

 

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks with the sweetest little lisp, “Escuthe me mither, do you have widdle wabbits?”  The shop keeper gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft and furwy wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwon wabby over there/”  The little girl, in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, “I don’t fink my pyfon gives a thit!”

 

A woman walks into the kitchen and finds her husband stalking around the room with a fly swatter.  “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies” was his response.  “Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males and 2 females” was his reply.

“Now, how exactly can you tell that?” she asked.

He answered, “3 were on a beer can and 2on the telephone.”

 

Men’s Club Jokes 3/5/13

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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

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The young son said to his dad: “Is this true, Dad?  I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn’t  know his wife until he marries her?

Dad replies with a sigh: “That happens in most countries, son.”

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Q: What is the one thing that Married men miss most about not being single?

A: Sex !

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At dinner my wife said: “The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” To which I replied: “Oh? And what is this?”

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Old is when you don’t care where your wife goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same

sleeping room on a Trans-Continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….”Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket, I’m awfully cold?”

“I have a better idea, she replied, just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow!…..That’s a great idea he exclaimed!”

“Good, she replied……..”Get your own damn blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted…

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After thirty five years of marriage, a husband & his wife went to counseling.  When asked by the therapist  what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved & unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk & after asking the wife to stand, he embraced & kissed her long & passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow…!!

The woman shut up & quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays, but on FRIDAYS…I …Go FISHing! !
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                             A Heavenly Conversation!

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer —we’d both still be alive.

 

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

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Couple of Irish jokes for St. Pats Day

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s extremely unhappy and discouraged.

His wife says: “Why don’t you put an advertisement in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

“Here boy” he replies.

Paddy’s in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his

feet.

“What the hell you doing?” he asks.

“I’m hanging myself” Paddy replies.

“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.

“I know” said Paddy “but I couldn’t breathe”.

 

Retired Men’s Club Jokes – February 5, 2013

Always tell the truth…or should you?      My Favorite Animal.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried Chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she could have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PITA.

He said they love animals very much. I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office.

He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

The Grizzly Bear

A man was walking alone in the woods when he heard a noise behind him. As he looked, he saw a huge grizzly bear right on his tail. He started running faster, but the bear kept getting closer. He said, “God help me.” A voice from the sky answered “You denied me all your life, and now you ask for help”?  Yes…I now believe there is a God who can help me…if you can make me a Christian, can you make the bear a Christian? Suddenly, the forest became quiet, the bear had gotten down on his knees behind the man and had his paws folded as to say a prayer. What the man heard was, “Thank you Lord for this food I am about to receive from thy bountiful goodness. Amen”.

 

Car Keys….A Woman’s Viewpoint…

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA patdown.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly, I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Hi honey.” I stammered, (I always call him honey in times like these) “I love you.”

I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

Are you kidding me”, he barked, “I dropped you off”  !!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn’t steal  your car.”

Yep, it’s the golden years…….

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 1/22/13

After A First Date with bothparties splitting the cost of dinner and a movie, the young man was rebuffed at the door by his date. “Since we’ve gone Dutch on everything else,” she said, “you can just kiss yourself goodnight.”

A man who had spent several years working in retail joined the police force. A few months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job. “The pay is good and the hours are OK.” he replied, “but what I really like is that the customer is always wrong.”

Shampoo Warning

I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.” No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.” Problem solved!

The local TV station’s weather desk received a postcard: “I thought you would be interested to know that I just finished shoveling 3 feet of partly cloudy from my front steps.”

 

1/15/13  Green Bay Area Retired Men’s Club Humor

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end
of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket
towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”

An elderly couple, were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time… but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

 

Mule Trading

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

A Talkative Public Bathroom

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.  I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall….

–          “Hi there, how is it going?”

Okay, I’m not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn’t know what to say so I finally say:

–          “Not bad….”

Then the voice says:

–          “So, what are you doing?”

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

–          “Well, I’m going back to Colorado…”

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

–          “Look, I’ll call you back, every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me.”

 

911

911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the dispatch asked.

“No you idiot!” the man shouted.

“This is her husband!”

 

Humorous Stories Told by our Retired Men’s Club Members (12/11/2012)