Share the experience, bring a friend


RMC Humor – 06/18/2019

Ole and Lena are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
Finally Lena jumps up out of bed and says,
“I’ve had enough of this”.
She goes downstairs and after a long time she finally comes back up to bed
Ole says, “The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?”
Lena says, “I put the dog in our backyard, now let’s see how THEY like it!

Did you hear that Sven and Ole froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’

You might have to think twice about this one.
Lena is hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.
‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the Lena replied.
‘What?’ sputtered the doctor ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’
‘No, Silly’ Lena said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants…
I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’
‘So then?’
‘Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: ‘This is going to make a
 loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

Ole was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad Hailstorm.. His car was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that it was Ole, so he decided to have some fun… He told him to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, Ole goes home, got down on his hands & knees & started blowing into the tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So he blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.
Lena comes out to the garage see Ole and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The Ole tells her how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Lena rolls her eyes & says, “Uh, like hello!  You first need to roll up the windows.”

Lena was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos…..
It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.’
‘Wow, said Lena, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?
‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,’ she replied..
Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’
Lena replied……’Two popsicles &some coffee.’

Lena goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’
Lena replies,  ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.’
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
‘Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.’
‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.’
The boss agrees & allows Lena to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on her.
He looks out from his office & sees Lena crying hysterically…
‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks.
‘No!’ exclaims Lena
‘I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!’

RMC Humor, 4 June 2019

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians like Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others.  Great funny stuff and not a swear word or foul language in any of their routines.  Here are a few of their good ones:

“A car hit on elderly Jewish man. While waiting for the ambulance to arrive, the paramedic covers him with a blanket and asks, “Are you comfortable?” The old man says, “I make a good living.” 

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years.  If my wife finds out she’ll kill me.

My wife and I went to a hotel and there was a water bed in the room.  My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.  This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.  That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.  Then the mudpack fell off.

The doctor gave a man six months to live.  The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis, you shmuck!”

Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60.” Patient: “I AM 60.” Doctor: “See, what did I tell you?”

 A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest.  The man asks, “So doc, how do I stand?” The doc says, “That’s what puzzles me.”

Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “don’t answer it.”

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?  Because they want to.”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?”  Because they’re worth it.”

There’s a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. They can’t decide whether the fetus should only be considered viable when it graduates from law school, or when it graduates from medical school.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the school play. She asks, “What part is it?”  The boy says, “I play the part of a Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

A bum walks up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself.” She replied.

A man called his mother in Florida.  “Mom, how are you?”  “Not so good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”

The son asked, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”

The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother replied, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”

“Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?”  Because it interferes with their suffering.

RMC Humor – 05/21/2019

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee. Giggling, Lena said, ‘Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.’ So Ole drove to Duluth.

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, ‘I’m not going down dere yust for 50 cents.’

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, ‘Yep, dat’s her!’

A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the English woman second. The Swede reached shore completely exhausted.  After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, ‘I don’t vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used der arms.’

The Swedes invented the toilet seat.  Twenty years later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. ‘The way Ifigger it, dat fish cost us $400’ said the first Norwegian ‘Vell,’ said the other one, ‘At dat price it’s a good ting ve didn’t catch anymore.’

A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota.  While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner… ‘Look,’ he said, ‘let’s have a game if you answer it, I’ll buy YOU a drink, if you can’t, then you buy ME one, Okay?’ ‘Ya, dat sounds purty good,’ said the Swede. The Indian said, ‘My father and my mother had one child. It wasn’t my brother. It wasn’t my
sister. Who was it?’ The Swede scratched his head and finally said, ‘I give up, “Who vas it?” ‘It was ME,’ chortled the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, ‘Sven,’ he said, ‘I got a game. If you can
answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can’t, YOU have to buy ME vun.
Fair enough?’ ‘Fair enough,’ said Sven. Okay,  my fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn’t my brudder, It vasn’t my sister, Who vas it?’ ‘Search me, ‘ said Sven. ‘I give up. Who vas it?’ ‘It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda.’

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. ‘Good gracious,’ said Hilda, ‘How did yew ever dew that?’  ‘It vas really simple,’ was Lena’s reply.. ‘I yust hid his false teeth.’

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee.
‘ Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?’ He asked. ‘Vell, Ole, I yust don’t know,’ replied Lena . ‘I don’t tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.’

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.  ‘Oh,’ said Ole, ‘I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.’ ‘How come?’ asked Lars. ‘Vell,’ Ole answered, ‘because vith a clarinet, she can’t sing.

RMC Humor – 04/09/2019

Where do naughty rainbows go?  Prism.

I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.  I looked at it and said: “This isn’t for me.”

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack grinned: “then you will dialogue.”

I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank.  I have no words for how angry I am.

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

The Greeks didn’t have a symbol representing zero, but the Babylonians later invented zero.  All I can say is “Thanks for nothing! “

I just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.   I can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. You just need to figure out if it’s your wife or your girlfriend.

I was in a good mood until I started petting a duckling in the park.  Then I started feeling a little down.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-twister Champion.  They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

It was really a bad news day when I heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter… They say it was raining cats and dogs!

This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat; it was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.    When I got home I told my dog…we both had a good laugh.

RMC Humor – 03/26/2019

My wife asked me if we needed to worry because the person who just delivered our pizza was our financial adviser.

My wife thought I should go to an anger management class but when I got there, there was a sign on the door that read, ‘Anger management class postponed for classroom repair’.

Bear attack tip; ‘If a bear attacks you, play dead.  It will be good practice for when you die a couple of minutes later.’

If you answer the phone with, “Hello, you’re on the air!” most telemarketers will quickly hang up.


A police officer sees a man driving around in a pickup full of penguins.  He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town!  Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy obliges and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again.  This time though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The police officer pulls the guy over and says, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday?

The guy replies, “I did, and today I’m taking them to the beach.”

A man walking down the street notices a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house.  Even when the boy jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it.  The man decided to help the boy, walked up on the porch and pushed the doorbell.

He looked down at the boy, smiling and asked, “What now?

The boy answered, “Now we run like crazy.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards.  In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.  By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

You come from dust.

You will return to dust. 

That’s why I don’t dust. 

It might be someone I know.

Just before I die I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

That should make my cremation epic.

RMC Humor – 03/05/2019


Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies? All he could say was “rabbit, rabbit,”

McDonalds will soon be offering your choice of beef filets…They’re thinking of calling it a Big McSteak.

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe? I’m not Joe King, but he is.

I started going bald several years ago, but I still carry around an old comb with me. I just can’t part with it.

I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many.”    It means a lot.

What happens when you eat aluminum foil? You sheet metal.

Did you Know that: Smoking will kill you … Bacon will kill you… But smoking bacon will cure it.

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick O’Shea

I once went on a date with a cross eyed girl.   It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

A man knew he would die soon and said on his death bed that he wanted to eat a whole bag of un-popped popcorn. They asked why and he said he wanted to make his cremation a little more exciting.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?”   The other says, “Well, I’m a heavy metal fan.”

If Cat woman decided to go to Nepal…What would Cat man do?

A male lion never cheats on its mate. But a Tiger Wood.

With condition of the sidewalks lately, someone told me that “icy” is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.

I saw a newspaper ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I just can’t turn that down.”

I saw an ad for a burial plot, and thought to myself that is the last thing I need.

The other day our dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

I couldn’t understand why my dog was motionless… The I realized….he was on Paws.

My friend keeps saying “cheer up Larry, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water!” I know he means well.

Did you hear that a Viagra shipment was stolen yesterday?  The cops are looking for gang of harden criminals.

“Doc, I think I have a serious issue, a piece of lettuce is sticking out of my butt!” Doc: “I’m afraid that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

A man was at his first visit with a new doctor.   When the doctor entered the examination room, the man said that he has to tell the doctor something about his condition.   The man said, “Doc, I have to tell you that I have five penises.”   The doctor thought about it for a couple of seconds and asked, “How does your underwear fit?” The man replied, “Like a glove.”


RMC Humor – 02/26/2019

She’s single.
She’s shapely.
She’s beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

Being a senior citizen really sucks.

Whenever someone says to me, ”You look so familiar, where do I know you from?”

I like to respond with, Do you watch porn?”

We’ve all heard, “You might be a redneck If…” well here are some from California

You might be from California
1. If your coworker has 8 body piercings, and none are visible.

You might be from California

  1. If you make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

You might be from California

  1. If you take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

You might be from California

  1. If your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

You might be from California

  1. If you’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You might be from California

  1. If a great parking space can totally move you to tears.

You might be from California

  1. If gas is a $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

You might be from California

  1. If your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

You might be from California

  1. If it’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

You might be from California

  1. If you pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones.
  1. If both you and your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

You might be from California

  1. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re here illegally, they want to give you one.

RMC Humor – 01/29/2019

Two cousins were talking and one asked the other, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen”, the other responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”
“It’s easy, all you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
“Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

Ms. Timm asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The Flight to Egypt ,” was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Timm said,
“That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot!”

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago”
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
“God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

I got gas yesterday for $1.39.  Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.

On my why home last night I decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.  At that same time there were 3 young girls who were going to do the same thing.  They told me they were scared and asked if they could walk with me.  I said, “sure and that I used to be scared too when I was alive.”  I never saw three people run so fast in my life.

As a kid, did you ever knock on someone’s door and then run away before they could answer it?  Well, UPS is now hiring and they need people like you.

I noticed a sign outside a church the other day.  It read, “Adultery is a sin.  You can’t have your Kate and Edith too”

RMC Humor – 01/08/2019

Russian School Children

In the 1970’s, a Russian school inspector is questioning the children. He points to one of the boys and says, “Who is your father?”
The boy replies, “The Soviet Union.”
He then asks, “Who is your mother?”
“The communist party,” came the reply.
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I want to be a soldier ready to fight for the glory of the state and the party.”
The inspector then points to one of the girls and asks, “Who is your father?”
The girl answers, “The Soviet Union.”
“Who is your mother?”
“The communist party.”
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A heroine of the Soviet Union raising lots of children for the state and party.”
The inspector looks round and sees a Jewish boy tucked away at the back trying to look inconspicuous. He points and says, “What’s your name?”
The boy replies, “Mendel Abramovitch.”
“Who is your father?”
“The Soviet Union.”
“Who is your mother?”
“The communist party.”
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Mendel replies, “An orphan.”

George and Mahmud

Iranian president Ahmadinejad calls Bush and tells him, “George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.”

“What did it say on the banners?” Bush asks. Mahmud replies, “UNITED STATES OF IRAN.”

Bush says, “You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”

“What did it say on the banners?” Mahmud asks.

Bush replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”

Religious Hierarchy

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

“What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job.” replied the Priest.

“Yes, and then what?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop.” said the Priest.

“Yes, and then?” asked the Rabbi.

“If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it’s possible for me to become a full Bishop.” said the Priest.

“O.K., then what?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, “With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal.”

“And then?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, “With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I’m in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope.”

“Yes, and then what?” asked the Rabbi.

“Good grief!” shouted the Priest. “What do you expect me to become, GOD?”

“Well,” said the Rabbi, “One of our boys made it!”

The Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 0’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on their front door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asks for a push. “You want me to come out at 3 o clock in the morning in driving rain to give you a push? No way. Want me to call a tow truck.? The drunk says, “No, I just need a push.”.
So the husband closes the door and gets back in bed. His wife asks him what happened and he told her, “Just some drunk who said he wanted a push. Can you imagine wanting me to go out in this rain storm to give him a push?”

“So you didn’t even help him?”
‘No. I didn’t! He’s so drunk and slurring his words so badly that its hard to even understand him. Besides, its three o’clock in the morning and pouring rain outside!’

His wife said, ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when our car
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’
So the husband does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed, and goes out
into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello! Are you still there?’ ‘Yes,’ the answer comes back.”
‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband.
‘Yes! Please!’ comes the reply from the darkness.
‘Where are you?’ asks the husband.
‘Over here on the swing!!’

The Elopement

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to “Dad.”

With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better.

She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

  1. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it’s safe to come home.

RMC Humor 4 December 2018

A Really Bad Day

The miserable-looking guy sat at a bar one evening, just staring at his drink. He’d been like that for over half an hour. Just staring at it.

Suddenly this big, trouble-making truck driver walks up to him, takes the guy’s drink from the bar, and downs in one big gulp. The sad guy starts to cry.

The truck driver is really shocked by seeing this grown man openly crying and says to him, “C’mon man, I was only joking. Here, This I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a grown man cry like that.”

Still sobbing, the sad guy says, “No. it’s not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fell back asleep after the alarm went off, so I was late for work and the boss fired me. Then when I left the office, I discovered that my car has been stolen and the cops said that I’m unlikely to get it back soon and undamaged. So I had to take a cab home. After it dropped me off and drove away, I discovered that I left my wallet and credit cards in the back seat. So I walked into my house only to find my wife in bed with the mailman. I walked right out of there and came straight here to this bar. And just when I’m planning to end my miserable life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Trucker Stops at a Diner

A truck driver stopped at a New Jersey roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, Coke, and a slice of apple pie.

Just as the food was set in front of him, three big hairy Harley bikers walked in. The first biker grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a big bite of it.

The second biker picked up the coke and downed it in one big gulp.

The third biker stuffed the entire slice of apple pie in his mouth.

The truck driver didn’t do or say anything as this went on. When the bikers were finished doing those things, the trucker just got up, paid the waitress, and walked out the door.

One of the bikers said to the waitress, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”

The waitress said, “He ain’t much of a driver either. He’s just backed his 18-wheeler over three really nice Harleys.”

Hunting Deer

A trucker was driving from Green Bay to Dallas when he stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker. After he had driven for awhile, the driver noticed that his passenger kept nodding-off and appeared very tired. So, the trucker suggested that the guy crawl into the sleeper compartment and get some rest. So, the hitch-hiker lies down and is soon asleep. A short time later he’s wakened by the noise sounding as though they had run over something. “What was all that noise?’ asked the hiker. The truck said, “Just hit a deer.” The hiker said he didn’t think that taking out a deer with an 18-wheeler would make that much noise.” The trucker replied, “It does when you have to go through two fences and a telephone pole to get it.”

Low Bridge

A trucker got lost one day and as luck would have it, he comes to a low bridge and gets stuck under it. Soon the cars are backed up for over a mile.

Eventually a cop shows up, gets out of his car, and walks around to the driver’s window. Puts his hands on his hips, and with an “all-knowing snicker on his face yells to the driver, Got yerself stuck, huh?”

The driver replied, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Lawyer Hunter

A particularly strange truck driver would often amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking across the street by the jail or courthouse in a town he was driving through, he would swerve to hit him thoroughly enjoying the loud ”thump” when he hit one and then would quickly get back on the road and drive out of town.

One day he saw a priest hitch-hiking and thought he do a good turn by picking him up. “Where are you going, Father?” he asked. The priest answered that he was going to conduct a funeral wake at a church in the next town, but his car broke down. The trucker said, “No problem, Father, happy to help you get there.”

So the priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued on his way out of town. Suddenly the trucker spots a lawyer stepping off the curb and instinctively swerves to hit him. But as he did so, he instantly remembered that there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last second he turned the wheel and just missed the lawyer.

Even though he was sure that he had actually missed hitting the lawyer, he still heard a loud “thud.” Not knowing where the noise had come from, he looked in his mirrors, didn’t see anything, turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father, I almost hit that lawyer.”

“I know” said the priest. “Luckily I got his with my door.”

Stopped by an Iowa Hawkeye at Red Lights

A truck stops at a red light on Military Avenue and notices a car with Iowa license plates behind him. A guy jumps out of the car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on his door. The trucker lowers his window and the Iowan says, “Hi, I’m George and I thought you should know that you’re losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores the guy, raises his window, and proceeds down Military Avenue when the light changes.

A short while later he has to stop for another red light. The car from Iowa is still behind him. And again, the guy jumps out of his car, runs up to his truck and bangs on the door. Again, the trucker lowers his window and again the Hawkeye shouts, “I’m George and I thought you should know that you’re losing some of your load.” The trucker again shakes his head, ignores the guy, rolls up his window and drives away when the light changes.

At the third light, the same thing happens again.

So when the trucker has to stop at the fourth red light, he jumps out of his truck, runs back to the car from Iowa, knocks on the window, and when George from Iowa lowers it, the trucker shouts, “I’m John from Green Bay; its winter, and I drive a salt truck.”

11/27/2018 GBARMC Humor

Lena and Ole Jokes

Ole and Lena jokes are Norwegian jokes, which are similar to Polish jokes only they are Norwegian.

So a Norwegian joke goes like this… Once there was a Norwegian that took his wife with him wherever he went just so he didn’t have to kiss her goodbye.


Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, “How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?”

“Just a minute,” said the busy clerk.

“Vell, said Lena, “If it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll just take da bus.”


Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, “Vell, dere gose twenty-five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!”

Why did Ole sell his water skis?   He couldn’t find a lake in Minnesota with a hill in it.


Ole has died. So Lena went to the local paper, the Houghton Mining Gazette, to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, “You yust put ‘Ole died.”

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ole died’?”

Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. You must say something more.”

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “OK. You put ‘Ole died. Boat for sale.'”


Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.

“Have you eaten your banana yet,” Ole asked excitedly?

“No,” replied Lars..

“Vell, don’t touch it den,” Ole exclaimed. “I yust took vun bite and vent blind!”


The Michigan judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged Ole with non-support.

The judge said to Ole, “I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.”

“Vell, dat’s fine, Judge,” said Ole. “And vunce in a while I’ll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.”

So Ole and Lena were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. After a while, all the guests had left and then Lena punches Ole in the arm and says, “That’s for 25 years of bad sex.”

A moment later Ole punches Lena in the shoulder and said “That’s for knowing the difference.”


Sven and Ole go on a fishing trip up in Canada. They only catch three fish. Swens says to Ole…”The way I figure it, each of them three fish cost us $400.00.”

“Well, at that price”, says Ole, “It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of dem than we did.”


Ole and Lena were at a drive-in movie.

Ole says, “Lena do you wanna get in the back seat?”

Lena replies: “Naw, I’d yust as soon stay up here with you.”

Ole is bed ridden in the hospital. The nurse asks, “Ole, do you want the urinal?

Ole says: “No dat’s okay, I just finished reading the Tribune.”


One night, Ole was walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Minnetonka , Minnesota.   A police car pulled up.

The policeman, who was good friend of Ole’s, said, “Ole…What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You’re naked.”

“Yah, I know,” said Ole. “You see, I vas over to dat ‘playboy’ Sven’s for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls.”

“Is that right?”, his policeman friend asked.

“Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, ‘Everybody get into the bedroom!’

So vee all go into the bedroom….den he yells, ‘Everybody git naked!’

“Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, Everybody go to town!’ “

“Oh, my!”, exclaimed the policeman.

“Yah, Yah. I guess I’m the first one here.

11/20/2018 GBARMC Humor

had a woman complain to me that nothing was built in America anymore.  She said, “I just bought a new TV and it said, ‘Built in Antenna.’ and I don’t even know where that is.”

A young New York City woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River. Just before she could throw herself from the bridge, a handsome young man stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy.”
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hull.
And from then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”
“I see,” the captain said.
Her conscience got the better of her and she added, “Plus, he’s messes with me every night.”
“He certainly is messing with you,” replied the captain.
“This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

1.The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens’ Center.  After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show – Claude the Hypnotist.
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.  “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.  “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations,” said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch . . . Watch the watch . . . Watch the watch . . .”
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
“Crap” said Claude.
(It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Center and Claude was never invited there again.)

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor. The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped.
The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying. Then the groom’s mother fainted.
The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The Minister, his face visibly pale, asked the woman, “Can you tell us … why you came forward?
What do you have to say?”
There was absolute silence in the church until the beautiful woman with her sleeping infant replied,
“We can’t hear in the back.”

11/13/2018 GBARMC Humor

Lost Words From Our Childhood

I was watching the Mecum auction on TV last week and one seller had named his restored 1950 Mercury lead sled “Mergatroyd”!   Do you remember that word?  Would you believe that spell checker does not recognize the word Mergatroyd?  Heavens to Mergatroyd!

The other day a not so elderly lady said something to her grandson about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said, “What the heck is a Jalopy?”  He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old….. but not that old.

Well, I hope you all are Hunky Dory after I tell you the rest of long gone phases and maybe have a chuckle.

Some old expressions have become obsolete because of the inevitable march of technology.  These phrases included “Don’t touch that dial,” “Carbon copy,” “You sound like a broken record” and “Hung out to dry.”

Back in the olden days we had a lot of “moxie”.  We’d be told to “straighten up and fly right.”

Heavens to Betsy!  Gee Whillikers!  Jumping Jehoshaphat!  Holy moley!

We were “in like Flynn” and “living the life of Riley.”  Even our parents could accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.  But we said we were not, even for all the tea in China!

Back in the good old days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time you head of anything that was swell?  Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A. Same for spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.

“Oh, my aching back!” “Kilroy was here,” but he isn’t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, Well, I’ll be “a monkey’s uncle!”  Or, This is a “fine kettle of fish!” We discover that words we grew up with have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our keyboards. Poof went the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind.  Where have all those great phrases gone?

They’re long gone, pshaw; the milkman must have done it.  But Hey!  It’s your nickel.  And don’t forget to pull the chain.  I’ve use these idioms since I was knee high to a grasshopper.  Well, Fiddlesticks!  Remember going like sixty.  Or our response to the class clown, I’ll see you in the funny papers.  We would never take any wooden nickels.  And we were told to wake up and smell the roses.

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times.  For a child each new word was like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.  We are at the other end of the chronological arc and have the advantage of remembering that there are words that once did not exist and there are words that once were in our vocabulary during their short time on our earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.  It’s probably one of the greatest advantages of aging. We are the children of the fabulous 50’s and 60’s, and no one will ever have that opportunity again.

But it leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth…whatever that is.
So, in closing, we are a collection of old folks.

Here are some observations.

Have you noticed??…

By the time you get your head together, the rest of your body starts to fall apart.

When we get older we have silver in our hair, gold in the teeth, crystals in our kidneys, sugar in our blood, lead in our butt, Iron in the arteries, and an inexhaustible supply of natural gas. I never thought that we could be so wealthy at this age.

Old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I found out why it is that the older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight. The reason is because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

It’s not the pace of life that is of concern; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

I heard an older gentleman ask the waiter for a large glass of prune juice. The waiter replied, “Is that for here, or to go?”

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

The only two things that we do with greater frequency as we get older are urinating and attending funerals.

And lastly – At first you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.

See ya later, alligator! Okidoki ??

10/30/2018 GBARMC Humor

A man and his constantly nagging wife took a trip to Israel and while they were there, the wife unexpectedly passed away. The undertaker in Tel Aviv told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and replied that he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and it would only cost $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. “And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?”
The first vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.” The second vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.” The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, “I’ll have a glass of plasma.”
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, “Two bloods and a blood light”.

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna airplane crashed into a cemetery.”

“Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.”

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked: “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”

This story happened a while ago in Dublin and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the scary horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and … wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other …”Look Paddy … there’s that stupid idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it.”!!!


A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clair. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clairly now, Lorraine is gone.”

10/23/2018 GBRMC Humor

Quotes by President Ronald Reagan

“The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

“The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant: It’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.”

“I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.”

“The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.”

“Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.”

“The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.”

“I’ve laid down the law, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it’s in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.”

“It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.”

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it.If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window    100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you, the old woman says.”You are no   longer my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

“I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

9/25/2018 GBRMC Humor

I’ve finally reached the age where my brain says, “I probably shouldn’t say that” to, “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”

The Proper way to call a golfer a bastard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a  second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”

The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.  As theywere walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation of $80. And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, I’ll marry them.”

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.  The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk”

He replied, “They had avocados.”

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”

Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake.  I am coming to live with you.

WIFE:  “There is trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND:  “Water in the carburetor?  That’s ridiculous “

WIFE:  “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND:  “You don’t even know what a carburetor is.  I’ll check it out.       Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the pool”.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decided to buy her a cell phone.  He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping.  Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”

Meg replied, “I just love it!  It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though.”

“What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband.

“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”


9/11/2018 GBRMC Humor


An American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom. The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout ‘Down with Donald Trump!’ and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout ‘Down with Donald Trump!’ and nothing will happen to me either.”


“Comrade Rabinowitz, why weren’t you present at the last meeting of the Communist Party?”

“No-one told me it would be the last one. If I had known that I would have come with my whole family.”


What’s the definition of a Russian string quartet? A Soviet orchestra back from a US tour.


A man walks into a shoe shop Russia. He says: “Give me a pair of shoes, please.”

“Certainly, sir, what size?”

“I wear a 10 but I’ll take a five.”

“Why, sir? Are they for someone else?”

“Oh, they’re for me. They’ll be too tight but when I take them off, it’ll be the one moment of pleasure I experience all day.”



Stalin, during a speech: “I am prepared to give my blood for the cause of the working class, drop by drop.”

A note is passed up to the podium: “Dear Comrade Stalin, why drag things out? Give it all now.”


“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”


A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.


At a party meeting, a Communist party officer is drilling a local worker. He asks him: “Comrade, if you had two houses, would you give one to the Communist Party?”

The worker responds “Yes, definitely, comrade, I would give one of my houses to the party!”

Then he asks “Comrade, if you had two cars, would you give one to the party?”

Again, the worker says, “Yes, I would give one of my cars to the party!”

Finally, the officer asks, “If you had two shirts, would you give one to the party?”


The officer asks “But why? Why won’t you give one of your shirts to the party?”

The worker says: “Because I ACTUALLY HAVE two shirts!”


A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, “I can’t take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!”

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.

“No,” he responds. “That line was even longer.”


Q: What does a Soviet optimist say?

A: It can’t get any worse!


Bedbugs appeared in the house occupied by the secretary of the region Party committee. The Party boss summoned an expert on insects and asked him how to get rid of bedbugs. The expert said,

“The best way is to organize them into a collective farm,” he tells the Party boss. “Half of them will flee and the rest will starve to death.”

The Need

Under communism, every man has what he needs. That’s why the butcher puts a sign up that says “nobody needs meat today.”


A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.

“Look at their calm, their reserve,” says the Briton. “Surely they must be British!”

“Nonsense!” Replies the Frenchman. “They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!”

The Russian finally speaks, “they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”


An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called “Lenin in Poland.” When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin’s wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

“But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?” Asks one of the guests.

“Lenin is in Poland,” replies the painter.

RMC Humor September 4, 2018

I really enjoy words and the English language.  It has been said that Wit is the highest form of humor and puns the lowest form of humor.  I disagree because wit is actually wordplay and puns are a form of wordplay. So technically, puns are the lowest form of the highest form of comedy.  A pun is technically a play on words… and they are my most favorite type of humor.  So please indulge me and remember he who laughs last laughs best. 

Some people asked me how I came to be a humorist again…this is a true story….I was standing next to Bill at the sinks in the men’s rest room.   I cupped my hand under my faucet and it started overflowing.   I said to Bill, “This water is getting out of hand.”   He looked at me and said “Okay Larry, you can be humorist.

I have new neighbors who built a house in the lot next to me last year.  I bought them an elephant for their living room.   They said, “Thanks.”  I said, “Don’t mention it.” 

My neighbors came home to discover that someone had stolen every lamp in the place.  They were absolutely delighted.

I was at a Cinco de Mayo party that had a Mexican magician.  He told the audience he would disappear on the count of three.  So he says:  “Uno, Dos”, and poof, he disappeared without a Tres.

I was watching the summit from Singapore last June.  A reporter was interviewing a citizen from North Korean.  The reporter asked him how it was there.   The man said he couldn’t complain.

Did you all happen to hear the joke about the high wall?  It was so hilarious I’m still trying to get over it.

They say that there is a lot of crime occurring in Green Bay’s multi-story parking structures.  That is just wrong on so many different levels.




Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.  The doctor says:  “I think something is wrong with your back.”

“What makes you say that?” Quasimodo asks.

“I don’t know,” the doctor replies. “It’s just a hunch.”


I’ve seen that the President wants to ban pre-shredded cheese in the United States.   His reason for the ban:  He wants to Make American Grate Again.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water?  If it sinks, it’s girl ant…if it floats it’s buoyant.

Speaking of ants…do you know why they are so healthy?  It’s because they have little antibodies.

I went to a zoo last week on vacation.  There was only one animal in the entire zoo.  It was a dog.  It was a shih zu.

What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?  One is a crusty bus station; the other is a busty crustacean.

RMC Humor August 28, 2018

I’m trying to get into a little better shape so people say I should run.  Well I ran twice yesterday.  First I ran out of beer and then I ran to get some more.

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car.  Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle.  My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn’t break.
Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

First the apple and now this…

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Money talks .. but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat you’re just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.”  If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.  Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T .and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

I picked up a hitchhiker. Seemed like a nice guy.   After a few miles he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?  Told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

RMC Humor August 14, 2018

Head’s Up

Two drunks were staggering home past a cemetery when they nearly tripped on a severed head lying in their path.  One picked it up by the hair and exclaimed, “My god Murphy, this looks like Michael O’Malley.  “Naw” said Murphy, “ O’Malley’s much taller.”

Funeral Planning

Three friends are at the wake of a friend and start talking about their own eventual demise and how they want people to remember them at the viewing.

The first said, “When they stand by the casket looking at me, I want them to talk about what a fine doctor I’ve been, about the thousands of patients I treated successfully, and how I probably saved many, many lives.”

The second said, “As they look at me, I want them to say I was a really great teacher, how I motivated the thousands of young students in my classes, and how I was responsible for helping develop some of our best leaders.”

The third said, “When they stand by my casket and look down on me, I want them to say “Look! He’s moving!”

Wailing in the Cemetery

As a fellow was walking past a cemetery, he heard this loud, pathetic wailing. “Oh, why did you have to go?  Why, oh why?  Life is so miserable without you.  I can’t seem to do anything right!  My life is terrible.  Why did you have to go, why, why why!”

The wailing was so loud and pathetic, the fellow couldn’t help but stop and try to comfort the poor miserable soul.  He discovered the wailer on his knees before a head stone.  “Please excuse me, sir, I know this is a very trying time for you, but your wailing stopped me as I was passing.  You are so distraught at your loss, you must have been very close to the person.”

The mourner looked up at the fellow and said, “Not close at all.  He was my wife’s first husband.”





Life Insurance

Two weeks after the funeral, Mimi and Flossy were having coffee and Mimi said, “So Flossy, I’m tinking that your darling Irving, God rest his soul, did the things he needed to do and left you comfortable, you know, mit the scheckels? Maybe a million or a half so you can be comfortable.?

“Mimi, you vouldn’t belief it, fifty thousand, only fifty thousand life insurance. So it’s gone already.  Would you belief it?  So ten thousand for Moskowitz, da funeral leech, five thousand for da temple donation, three thousand for the rabbi, two thousand for the food and wine at the funeral, and thirty thousand for the memorial stone.  And Poof! It’s all gone.”

Mimi says, “Thirty thousand for the memorial stone, mine God! That must be a really big stone!”

“Three carats!”

The Three Year Old Daughter

The father was putting his three year old daughter to bed, and she was saying her prayers. “God bless mommy, Bod bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and Goodby Grandpa.”

The dad thought that last part was a little strange, but put it out of his mind as he tucked her in. But the next day, Grandpa passed away totally unexpectedly.

A couple of weeks later, the little girl was again saying her night prayers, “God bless Mommy, god bless Daddy, Good by Grandma.”

And the next day, Grandma did pass away very unexpectedly.  Now the father is beginning to believe that his little girl has some special power to see the future and he’s feeling a bit uneasy.

A couple of weeks later, again the night prayer. “God bless Mommy, goodby Daddy.”

He had had a horrible night but went to his office the next morning full of dread.  If he could only survive the day, he thought he would have escaped death. He gave his secretary the day off, went into his office and locked the door.  He avoided eating or drinking.  Stayed away from anything electrical and away from the windows.  He was so nervous that the slightest noise unnerved him.  He just sat in his chair terrified.  As the ours passed, he became somewhat hopeful.. If he could only make past midnight, he would be OK.  And by golly, he did make.  So at 12:01 he got into his car and drove home.

As he crawled into bed he told his wife that he was sorry he was so late, but it was a very tension-filled day.”  She replied, “ So you think you had a bad day, mine was horrible.  The mailman dropped dead on our porch today.”

6/19/2018 Humor

Here are the 5 rules for men to follow for a happy life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logon, Utah.

1)    It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2)    It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3)    It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn’t lie to you.

4)    It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.

5)    It’s very, very important that these 4 women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
7. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

  1. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
    9. It isimpossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
    10. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

An old friend of mine was complaining to me the other day.  He said, “I’ve sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees.”

He said, “I’ve fought prostate cancer and diabetes, and now I’m half blind.

I can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine.

I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia and poor circulation.

I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

And I can’t even remember if I’m 85 or 92.

And I’ve lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $20 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife.

They carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face Cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband. “It’s my face cream.

It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of beer and … it’s half the price.”

Here’s something you probably didn’t know.

Line dancing was started by women waiting in line to use the restroom.

5/22/2018 Humor





An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”
The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms
and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his
breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

4/24/2018 Humor

Just a little prayer I say every morning

Grant me the senility to forget the people, I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

“We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

“Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

“It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this
money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man.  “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money.  Instead, I’m going to take
you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.  “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, “That’s okay.  It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you’re alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on that airline again.

Here’s something you probably never thought about.

Did you know there are more airplanes under the ocean then there submarines in the sky?

Here’s something else to think about.  Arguing with your wife is like reading the Software License Agreement.  In the end you ignore everything and just click, ‘I agree’

You know that feeling you get when you smell the steak on the grill and your mouth starts to water, do you ever wonder if vegetarians get that same feeling when cutting the lawn?

4/10/18 Humor


An elderly gentleman was strolling through the park when he happened upon a young boy sitting on a bench eating a box of candy bars.  “Young man,” said the elder, “You shouldn’t be eating so many candy bars; you’ll get sick.”

The young boy looked up from his candy, “My grandfather lived to be a hundred-and-three years old.”

The old man was interested, “Oh yeah, and he ate a lot of candy bars?”  The boy replied, “No, he minded his own damned business.”


-Another old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.  A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.  He had spiked hair of all different colors – green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.  The old man just stared.

The young man said, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.  I was just wondering if you were my son.”



I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and had decided to get married.  There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was my girlfriend’s beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my girlfriend’s “little sister” called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.  She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.  She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want that one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door.  I opened the door and headed straight for my car.  Lo and Behold!  My entire future family was standing outside clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family!

And the moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!



It’s opening night on Broadway and the scalpers are having a field day; no tickets are to be had.

A middle-aged couple sees that next to them is a little old Jewish lady sitting next to an empty seat.

The man asks, “Whose seat is that?” and the old lady replies, “My late husband, Irving Bernstein.”

The man says, “I’m sorry for your loss, but surely you must have some friends or relatives who would have wanted to come and see the show!”

The old lady replies, “Yes, but they’re all at the funeral.”




A little Jewish lady was not very attractive – in fact, she was awful looking – and had lived a somewhat unlucky, sad, and lonely life.  One day she is on a crowded bus and there’s an accident.  She is apparently mortally wounded and on the way to the hospital, she thinks, “Again unlucky and now I’m about to die.”

                While she is pondering her sad life before she expires, God suddenly appears before her and says, “I know you’ve had a very tough life, but I’m not yet ready to take you.  Also, you’ll receive an ample sum of money for your injuries – it should easily last you for the twenty more years of life you’ll have.”

                She’s overjoyed with the opportunity to finally enjoy life and figures that she might as well give herself the best opportunity.  So, while still in the hospital, she gets cosmetic surgery for her face and entire body.  After months of treatments and recovery, she looks in the mirror and sees that she is absolutely beautiful!”

                She leaves the hospital and gets into a taxi to go home.  The taxi has a serious accident with another car and the woman feels her life ebbing away.  Suddenly, God appears again.  She says, “How could this happen?  You told me that I would have another twenty years of life!”

                God replies, “Oh shit! I didn’t recognize you!”

RMC Humor 13 February 2018

The Tea Party

True story.  When our daughter was about two years old, I was babysitting while my wife was out shopping.  Our daughter decided that we should have a tea party with the little plastic tea pot and dishes she got from Santa Claus a few weeks back.  So, I had to try to sit on the little chair at her little table without breaking it while we pretended that the water in the little cups she brought me was tea.   We would talk about how she was the queen and I was the king while drinking our tea. 

Then she would refill our cups and we would do more pretending.

My wife came home and stood in the doorway watching the little party.  I would drink the “tea”, and our daughter, Claudia would refill the cups.  After, my wife asked me what we were drinking and I told her, “It was just water, not soda or real tea.”  She thought for a couple of seconds and asked, “Did it ever occur to you that at two years old, she is not tall enough to get water from any of our faucets?”


A Case of Syphilis

A young nun walked into the Mother Superior’s office and embarrassingly said, “Mother Superior, I’ve been sent here to inform you that a case of syphilis has been discovered in the convent.” The Mother Superior exclaimed, “A case of syphilis! Great! I’m so sick of nothing but Chablis all the time.”


Airline Mechanics

Two airline mechanics got off work at New York’s LaGuardia airport, and one says, “Let’s go have a beer.”  The other says, “Why don’t we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes like whiskey, and you don’t have any hangover in the morning.”

So they drink about a quart apiece.  It tastes great and they have a really good time. The next morning, one of them calls up the other and says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

“I feel great!”

“Me too and no hangover!”

“Just one thing. Have you farted yet?”


“Well don’t.  I’m calling from Phoenix.”






Ole got one of those ALEXA brainy, computer speaker things that you can have a conversation with.  Ask it to play your favorite song, it will do it.  Ask it who was the sixth president of the United States, it will tell you.  Ask it to tell a joke, it will do it.

So, Ole decided to test it.  He asked, “So ALEXA, where is my father?”

Reply, “Your father is fishing in Florida.”

Well, Ole thought, “This thing isn’t so smart; my father’s been dead for ten years.” But he thought he’d rephrase the question and see what happens. “So, ALEXA, where is the husband of my mother?”

ALEXA replied, “OLE, the husband of your mother has been dead for ten years, but your father is fishing in Florida.”


The Rabbi and the Priest

A rabbi and a priest were on a long flight from LA to New York seated next to each other. They exchanges the usual courtesies and did some reading.  After awhile, they started talking about religion and how the three monotheistic religions, Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have so many more common beliefs than most people are aware.  It was quite a lengthy conversation that came to a natural conclusion as all conversations do.

After a long silence, the priest turned to the rabbi and said, “Rabbi, everybody knows that Jews who adhere to their faith don’t ever eat pork in any form. I’m wondering, please don’t be offended, but have you ever been unable to resist the temptation to just try that forbidden fruit?”

The Rabbi said, “Well Father, I’ve never admitted this to anybody else but one day when I was in a place where nobody knew me, I tried a ham and cheese sandwich and I must admit that it was excellent.”

After a minute of silence, the Rabbi said, “Father, everybody knows that you guys take a vow of celibacy and that has really got to be difficult.  The temptations must be great so I’ve got to ask, “Did you ever, did you ever, well, give in to the temptation of the flesh.”

The priest, looking around to make sure nobody would hear and in a whisper replied, “Well, yes.  I did only once several years ago.’

After another minute or two of silent contemplation, the rabbi turned to the priest and said, “Beats the hell out of a ham and cheese sandwich, doesn’t it?”

RMC Humor, January 30, 2018

I know it’s late notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis, MN at the new U. S. Bank Stadium on Sunday, February 4th.  They are box seats and he paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar tab and a pass to the winner’s locker room after the game.
What he didn’t realize when he bought them last year was that it’s on the same day as his wedding.  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.  It’s at St. Paul’s Church at 3 p.m.  Her name is Ashley.  She’s 5’4″, about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck.  She’ll be the one in the white dress.

I was talking to Roger the other day and he mentioned even at 90 he has sex almost every day.  He claims it’s true.  He said he almost has sex on Monday and he almost had sex on Tuesday and he…

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them.  The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Helloooo,……….. just because I’m a Senior Citizen doesn’t mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year…that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.

Hellooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back.  I bet he felt like an idiot.

The other day I was downtown and I noticed a cop arresting this guy.  The cop said, “Anything you say may be held against you.”

To which the guy replied, “I know I’m married.”

Every family has one weird relative.  If you don’t know who it is, it’s probably you.

My neighbor’s wife was talking to my wife the other day.  She said her husband gave her the very latest technology in clothes drying.  It dries the clothes using a combination of solar and wind power.  My wife thought that sounded pretty nice until she was told it was a clothes line.

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said, “But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun? There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.  Kim Jong-Un quietly answered, “We will land at night”.

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

Back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching the news conference.

When Pelosi heard what Kim said, she sneered, “What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”

Her office broke into thunderous applause.

I am pretty sure this is all true.

My wife’s female intuition is so highly developed she sometimes knows I’m wrong before I’ve even opened my mouth.

RMC Humor, 19 December 2017

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town.  After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there.  Who were they to interfere with God’s will?  They reasoned.  Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town.  Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away.  The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.  When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year”!

A blond goes into a post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk says what denomination?”

The blond says, “God help us, has it come to this?”

“Give me 22 Catholics, 12 Protestants, 10 Lutherans, and 6 Baptists.

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.  His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it!  We’ll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course.  The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune!  I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”
The second guy says, “I spent a ton too.  My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her.  She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.” They all turned to the last guy in the group, Leo, who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
Leo said “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.  I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas!  It’s a great morning for Sex or Golf,’ and she said, ‘You’ll need a sweater….'”

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said, “honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day”.
His wife said crying, “Yes I remember that jewelry store”.
He said, “Well I’m in the bar next to it.”

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about,” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like Heck they’re getting a divorce, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “YOU ARE NOT GETTING DIVORCED! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing,

DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.
“They’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way”

RMC Humor. 12 December 2017


1)      FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they know they are right. You need to shut up.

2)      FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you’ve just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3)      NOTHING:  This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4)      GO AHEAD; This is a dare, not permission! Don’t do it!

5)      LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but a non verbal statement often is misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (refer back to #3).

6)      THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7)      THANKS: A woman is thanking you-do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here. This is true unless she says ‘thanks a lot’. That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say you’re welcome-that will bring on a ‘whatever’)

8)      WHATEVER: Is a woman’s way of saying ‘up yours’.

9)      DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT-I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘what’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response, refer to #3.

RMC Humor. 5 December 2017

Mothers & Sons

Three older Jewish women, sitting on a bench in Miami.

First one boasts, “I have such a wonderful son.  You know what he did for mine seventy-fifth birthday? Chartered an airplane.  Got all my friends from Long Island, flew them down here for a party at the Fontainbleau Hotel . . . in the grand ballroom.  They made a chopped liver look like a svan! Seven-piece orchestra, we partied till two in the morning.  Vhat a nize boy!”

The second lady says, “Well, you have a nize son, but let me tell you about my boy.  Took me around the vorld onna cruise . . . Princess Line, two whole veeks . . . Ve played shuffleboard on the deck   . . . Ve sat at the captain’s table.  Parties every nite.  Such a great kid!”

Third lady: “Vell, you have a nize boy and you have a nize boy, but let me tell you about my zon Marvin.  He lives in New York City.  He zees a psi-ky-a-trist tree times a veek . . .  two hundred dollars an hour . . . an all he talks about is me!”

Hanukkah Gift from Mom

A Jewish mother gives her son two ties on the first night of Hanukkah.  The following morning, when he comes down for breakfast, he is wearing one of them.

His Mom says, “What’s the matter – you didn’t like the other one?”

The Jewish Bra

Sam asks his daughter Becky what he can give his wife for a Hanukkah present. “The woman has everything, but I gotta give her something or we’ll go through the same thing as last year.  You know . . .
“That’s OK, Sam, its OK if you didn’t have time to get a gift for the wife who has served you for 53 years.”

“I’m not going through that again this year.  What can I get her? An its got to be something practical or she’ll take it back saying, “I don’t deserve this.  Just being a wife and mother is enough for me.”

Beck says, “Buy her a new bra. She’s so cheap that she won’t even buy a replacement for the same bra she’s been wearing for years.  Buy her a new one; wrap it up nice, and give it to her privately.  She’ll secretly love it because it’ll be so personal.”

Sam says, “I don’t know where or how to buy a bra; I don’t think I want to do that.”

Beck says, “Dad, it’s easy.  You just go to the women’s lingerie department at Macy’s and ask for a Jewish bra, size 34B.”

So Sam does what he’s told.  He goes to Macy’s and asks the sales lady for a Jewish bra, size 34B.

The sales lady says, “Boy, it’s been a long time since anybody’s asked for a Jewish bra.  They usually ask for a Catholic bra, or a Salvation Army bra, or a Presbyterian bra.”

Sam asks, “What’s the difference?”

She says, “The Catholic bra supports the masses; the Salvation Army bra uplifts the downfallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

“Well then, what’s a Jewish bra?”

“Oh, a Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills.”

First Jewish President

It’s 2020 and the first Jew has been elected president. He calls his mother and says, “Ma! I won the election; I’m going to be the first Jewish president.  You’ve got to come to the inauguration – it’s such an historic event.”

“Vell, son, I am very proud of you, but I can’t come.  You have a great day and just forget about me.”

“Ma, what are you talking about – not coming.  Why not?”

“Eh vell, I got nothing to wear for such a big deal.”

“Ma, I’m going to be the president, I can get you a dressmaker.”

“Vel, I only eat kosher – they won’t have kosher!”

“Ma, I’m going to be president,  I can get you a kosher meal.”

“Vel, how am I going to get there? It’s a long way from Miami.”

“Ma, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up. Ma, come to the inauguration, please”

So, she does go to the inauguration and they’re on the reviewing stand.  On the left side of her are all the Supreme Court justices and on the right side of her are all the members of the president’s cabinet.

She nudges the guy on her right and says, “You see that guy with one hand up and the other on that book? His brother’s a doctor! Would you believe it?”

The Pope and the Rabbi

In the Vatican in the sixteenth century, one of the cardinals has borrowed an enormous amount of money from a Jewish banker and he can’t pay it back.  So, he goes to the pope and says, “I think, Holy Father, we should get rid of all the Jews, just kick them out – you don’t need a reason ; you’re the pope.”

The pope says, “I can’t throw out all the Jews.  I just can’t do that.”

“Well,” says the cardinal, “Why don’t you find an excuse.  You challenge the rabbi to a duel over who has the true faith.”

The pope agrees, so the cardinals go to the Jewish community and talk to them.  The Jews don’t like the idea but they really can’t say no.

But one of the Jews says, “You know, our rabbi is very learned; his Hebrew is excellent, but his Italian is limited and his Latin is nonexistent.  And with all due respect, I don’t believe that the pope’s Hebrew is so good that he would be able to debate in it – that just wouldn’t be fair.”

So the cardinal says, “You know what?  Instead of having a vocal debate, they can debate with symbols, with signs.”

So they agree.  The day comes and the cardinals are assembled.  The pope comes in, sits on his throne.  The rabbi comes in wearing a long black robe and sits on the floor.  They nod to each other.

Then the pope begins the contest.  He holds up three fingers.  The rabbi looks at him for a second and hold up one finger.

The pope swings his finger in a circle over his head.  The rabbi looks at him and points down to the ground.

The pope pulls out a glass of sacramental wine and a holy wafer and hold them up.  The rabbi looks at him for a moment, sticks his hand in his pocket pulls out an apple, and holds it up.

The pope slaps his hands together and says, “That’s it.  These Jews are too smart for me. They don’t have to leave; they can stay.”

The Jews exit very happy while the cardinals gather around the pope and ask, “What happened?”

“Well, I held up the sign of the Trinity – the Father, Son and Holy Spirit – and the rabbi held up a sign that there’s only one god.

“I spun my finger over my head to say God is everywhere and he pointed down to indicate God is right here – now.”

“I held up the sacrament, the wine and the wafer, to show that in our faith you can, through confession and communion, relieve yourself of all sins.  And he held up an apple which indicates that you can never get rid of original sin.  It’s always there.”

“They’re just too smart for us.”

Back in the synagogue, the Jews are dancing and celebrating.  They ask the rabbi, “What happened?”

The rabbi says, “Can you imagine the chutzpah?  This guy holds up three fingers to say, ‘You have three days to leave,’ and so I give him the finger.”

“He spins his finger over his head to say, ‘You’re going to leave not only Rome, but from all of Italy,’ so I point down to say that we’re staying right here.’”

“And then for some reason, he takes out his lunch, so I take out mine.”

RMC Humor, 21 November 2017

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said “Norma, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”  After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician,

Dr. Cohen has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma in 302. But no one tells me anything.”

Bob and Jack were long time buddies. One day they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend…
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” Said Bob
“Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes!” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry buddy.
I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”

I told my wife I read that women use about 30,000 words a day while men only use about 15,000.  She told me that’s because women have to repeat everything for the men.

Going to bed early, not leaving the house, and not going to parties.

I find my childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

This guy was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him and grabbed his drink and gulped it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” He says

That’s when the guy burst into tears and said, “This is the worst day of my life, I’m a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting this morning, and my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don’t have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab I took home and I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me.  So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.”
“I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve…………..… and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!  I feel so much better now. But, enough about me, how are you doing?”

RMC Humor, 26 September 2017

I find as you get older you have to stay positive.  For example, the other day I fell down the stairs…instead of getting upset I just thought, “Wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years.”

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“V’ll ve’re supposed to find the height of this there flagpole,” said Sven, “but ve don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty-one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot good dat does us. Ve ask for the height and she give us the length!”

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.

An Irishman went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, he said to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

He replied, “You moron, you’re on my side.”

I often wondered what people did to kill boredom before the internet.  So I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they had no idea either.

A little known fact……
After digging to a depth of 10 feet last year outside Buffalo, New
York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years.
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that
followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to
a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly
afterward, a story in the LA Times read, “California
archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced
high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier
than the New Yorkers.
​  One week later, a local newspaper in Green Bay, Wisconsin reported,
“After digging 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community
of Sobieski, Wisconsin, Ole Olson, a heck of an engineer and a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had
already gone wireless.
Just makes a person proud to be from Wisconsin!!

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
“Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt”, the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?”
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sounds good to me,”  –  and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one.”
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?”
Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.”   And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.  Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”
“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle – and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says,
“I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am.  I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all.”
“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies.   “I’m Father Gleason.”

RMC Humor, 12 September 2017

Three Mice In a Bar

Three mice walked into a bar. The first mouse had a shot of whiskey and said, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar slams down I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.

The second mouse drank two shots of whiskey and said, “Well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as possible, take it home, grind it into powder  and add it to my coffee so I can get a buzz going for the rest of my day.”

The third mouse said, “I can’t stay long. I’ve got a hot date with a cat.”

Finding Bubba

A salesman walks into a bar and asks, “Do you know where Bubba lives?” “Sure,” says the bartender who gives the salesman directions.  “But you gotta be careful. Don’t honk your horn when you pull up in front of Bubba’s house.”

“Why not?” says the salesman.

“Well, you see, about three months ago, Bubba’s wife ran off with a banjo player named Junior.  And every time Bubba hears somebody honk he’s afraid the banjo player is bringing her back.”

The Bum

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, “Mister, do you have a dollar you can spare me?”

The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?”

“No,” says the bum.

Then the man asks, “If I give you the dollar, are you going to use it to gamble?”

Again, the bum says “no.”

So the man says to the bum “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or Gamble?”

The Guinness Challenge

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland, loudly clears his throat, and announces, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkers. I’ll give 500 American dollars to any man in here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and nobody takes his offer. One man gets up, spits on the floor, and leaves.  Thirty minutes later, the same guy who left shows up, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks if the bet is still good.  The Texan says, “It sure is” and asks the bartender to line up the ten pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all ten of the pints, downing them back-t-back. The other bar patrons cheer on the Irishman as the Texan sits dumbfounded in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the 500 dollars and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin, where did you go for the thirty minutes you were gone.”

The Irishman replies, “Oh, I went to the bar next door to practice.”

The Brewery Presidents

Four brewery presidents walk into a bar. The guy from Corona says, “Hey, Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”  The bartender gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world.  Give me the King of Beers, a Budweiser.”

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer that’s made with Rocky Mountain spring water.  Give me a Coors.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.”  The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”

The Guinness president replied,  “Well, I figured if you guys weren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

Law Enforcement Completion

The GBPD, the FBI, and the CIA have engaged for years in serious competition to determine which organization is the most deft apprehender of criminals. The president, wanting to resolve the question once and for all, releases a rabbit into the forest and challenges each organization to utilize its best methods to bring the rabbit in to him.

The CIA goes in.  They place animal informants throughout the forest. They place hidden microphones on all the trees and motion detectors behind very rock.  After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.  After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies – the rabbit had it coming.

The GBPD goes in.  A mere two hours later, they come out leading a badly beat up bear that is yelling, “Okay, Okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”


The elephant looks at the naked man and says, “It’s cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?”

RMC Humor, 29 August 2017

My mother-in-law came for a visit. I tried to be very nice about it and told her to treat the place like it were hers…and so she did…she sold it.

Enjoying good music is like eating candy…first you have to throughout the Rapper.

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied… “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents beamed with pride!

“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I said.

“But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that!”

“What do you mean?” she replied.

So I told her, “You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I’ll pay you $50.

Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, than she looked me straight in the eye and asked,

“Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents aren’t speaking to me anymore and I guess a lot of the people in this room aren’t going to either.

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying ‘things would be okay.’ William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little shit’s name is Kevin.”

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.  He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.  Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.  When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.  The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.  How soon can I go home?’

RMC Humor, 8 August 2017

Baseball in Heaven

Mike and Larry, senior members of the retirement club, were avid, die-hard Brewers fans. One day during the 7th inning stretch at Miller Field, Larry asked Mike if he thought there was baseball in heaven, commenting that “if heaven is supposed to be the happiest place ever and nothing makes us happier than watching a Brewer’s game on a warm sunny summer afternoon, there surely must be baseball in heaven. Mike said, “of course, it wouldn’t be heaven without baseball.

Not long after that conversation, Mike passed away and about a month after that he appeared in Larry’s dream. The vision of Mike said, “Larry ,I’ve got a couple of things to tell you. The first is that there really is baseball in heaven and it’s great. And the Brewers never lose and I even get to play with “greats” like “Hammin Hank Aaron” and Eddie Mathews. ”  Larry replied,” That’s great news, what’s the second thing?”  Mike replied, “Well, you’re the starting pitcher for this Saturday’s game.”

Mike & Larry at Lunch

Mike and Larry met their usual group for lunch at the Bayview Restaurant last week after the Retired Mens Club meeting.  As they were talking, Mike said to Larry, “Mike, I don’t want to be rude but I can’t help wondering why you have a suppository stuck in your right ear.”

Larry said, “I have?  A suppository?” He pulled it out and stared at it. Well I’ll be darned!

Now I know where my hearing aid is!”

Silver Springs National Park, Ocala, Florida

We took our three children to Disney World in 1981 and stopped at the Silver Springs Park in Ocala on the way.  Our kids were 3, 8, and 13 – we had one every five years whether we needed to or not.  After the ride in the glass bottom boat, seeing all the wonders of underwater nature through the outstandingly clear, spring fed waters, we sat in a little outdoor amphitheater to watch a ranger talk about Florida alligators.  After telling us some very interesting details about the animals, he reached into a large tub and pulled out a two-foot long baby gator.  He then told us how put a gator to sleep by laying it on its back and rubbing his belly which he did while he was talking.  And sure enough, that wild little gator was perfectly still in less than a minute. As the ranger kept talking the sleeping little gator suddenly flipped over and clamped its teeth onto the ranger and started a tearing, whipping motion. To the gasping audience the ranger calmly said, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is not part of the presentation, this is not an act.  The gator will not release and I need help.  Please get help.”

We quickly ran down a path where we spotted another park ranger who asked, “What happened to the other ranger? To which we yelled, “ A Reptile Disfunction!”


A Farm Story

A farmer went into the local hardware store and purchased a galvanized bucket and an anvil.  Then he went to the livestock dealer and told him that he wanted to buy two chickens and a goose, but couldn’t figure out how he could carry the three birds and the bucket and the anvil.

The livestock dealer said,” Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket I one hand, put one chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in the other hand.”

He did just that and off he went. On his way home he met an old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he knew how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane.  He said, “Well, as a matter of fact I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane and if we take a shortcut through this alley we’ll get there sooner.”

The old lady said, “I am a lonely old widow without a husband to defend me.  How do I know that when you get me in the alley you won’t hold up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes, Lady, I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could I hold you up against a wall and do that?”

The lady said, “Set the goose down , cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

RMC Humor, 01 August 2017

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’… (I work with professionals like this.)

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff……’

At the age of 65 my mother started walking 5 miles a day. She’s now 92…we have no idea where she is.

I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from, “You probably shouldn’t say that”, to “what the hell, let’s see what happens”.

In a survey I asked over 100 women what soap they preferred when showering. The most common answer was, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live – ??”  Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely.” Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live – ?? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.” Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.  That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”    Mr. Smith is impressed that Bruce has put so much thought into this.  “Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own – ??”  Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”    Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little brat is adorable

RMC Humor, 27 June 2017

Why athletes can’t have regular jobs

– A New Orleans Saint Running Back when asked about the upcoming season replied; “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.
– When a University of Houston receiver, commented on his coach;  “He treats us like men. He let us wear earrings.”

A Football commentator and former player remarked; “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

– A senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh; “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”

– A Florida State football coach told his players; “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”

– A boxing promoter on Mike Tyson going to prison;
“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to prison for three years, not Princeton…”

– A Chicago Blackhawks left wing explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker; “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

– A veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of a heavyweight boxer;
“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”

– A North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to his coach why he appeared nervous at practice;

“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.

– A basketball coach at Texas A & M, recounting what he told a player who received 4 F’s and 1 D; “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

A former coach for the Houston Oilers when asked why he brought his wife with him to every game responded;  “Because she’s too ugly to kiss good-bye.”

RMC Humor, 20 May 2017

The other day my grandson told me he was considering a career in organized crime.  I asked him if he meant the government or the private sector.

The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man…air passengers, in this case!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: “If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Since tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Did you think that money is the root of all wealth?

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

I would like to buy some cyanide

The pharmacist asked, Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband

Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,

You didn’t tell me you had a prescription








RMC Humor, 16 May 2017

Single Man

A man walked into a supermarket and bought one small loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a frozen dinner for one.

The woman at the checkout said, “You’re single, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Yes, how did you know?””

She replied, “Because you’re ugly!”

Young Man

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Later, It’s his turn with the teeth.”

Final Request

An elderly Jewish woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. “Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

The Lumberjack

Sidney, who’s almost ninety year old, weighs maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet, walks up behind the head lumberjack, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Excuse  me, I’d like a job chopping down trees.”

The lumberjack, six foot four, 275 pounds of muscle, turns around and looks at skinny little Sidney and says, “You’ve got to be kidding. This is a tough job, not for little old men like you.  Besides, where did you ever work before chopping down trees?”

“Well, I’ll have you know”  said Sidney,” that I used to work at the Sahara Forest.”

The lumberjack looks at him and says, “You mean the Sahara Desert.”

“Well now it is.”

Ole & Sven

Sven decided to walk over to Ole’s to see how Ole is doing building his new garage.   It appears that the project is progressing, but at a very slow pace.  Ole is nailing on the siding and as Sven watches, he sees that Ole picks a nail from the box, examines it, and either throws it over his shoulder, or nails it into the siding.  Curious, Sven asks Ole why he is throwing some of the nails away and using others. Ole tells him that he throws away the ones that have the sharp point on the wrong end.

Sven says, “Ole, Ole, don cha know that dem nails is for the udder side of da garage?”

Nocturnal Bathroom Break

George 70-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!” A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said: “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.” Thelma exclaimed: “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”

RMC Humor 02 May 2017

How to know if you grew up in the Upper Midwest:

-You know how to polka, but never tried it sober

-You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means

-You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the church and the wedding reception

-You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm or Tractor Supply Co

-You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding

-You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter, or peeing on an electric fence

-Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandpa, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
My little grandson was diligently pounding away on my word processor. He told me he was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I can’t read.”
I didn’t know if my grandson had learned his colors yet, so I decided to test him. I would point out something and ask what color it was. He would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, he headed for the door, saying, “Grandpa, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

The other day I went to the worst movie ever made.  There was just nothing about it that was good.   It had no plot, the acting was awful and the camera work was out of focus.  It was so bad that if the movie critic Roger Ebert was still alive, he would have said, I wish I were dead.

RMC Humor 18 April 2017  


Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I worked for an insurance company.” St. Peter asked why a nurse would be working for an insurance company, and she replied that her job was to judge  the  doctors’ and hospitals’  procedures to make sure they were following the insurance company’s rules to contain costs.   “Okay, you may enter also.”

“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but according to our procedures we have to kick you out after three days.”




The nurse brought a lunch tray to David Letterman, who was in a hospital “laughing his way to wellness.” The nurse also brought Dave  one of those glasses used for urine specimens, saying that when convenient ,he should put a specimen in the glass and she’d pick it up when she came back to pick up the tray. Mr. Letterman, seeing some apple juice on the tray, put two and two together, and poured the juice in the specimen glass. The nurse came back and picked up the specimen, held it up to the light and said, “Mr. Letterman, this looks a little off. The color doesn’t seem quite right. Are you feeling okay?” Dave reached out his hand for the glass and said, “Here, let me look.”

After looking at it, he said, “Okay, I’ll run it through again,” then drank it. The nurse fainted.


Blond Nurse

Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers into work?

In case they have to draw blood.


A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet — I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?”

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.”


Breakfast Fight

A doctor and his wife were having a huge and particularly nasty argument at breakfast.

“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?”

“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

RMC Humor April 4, 2017

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.          One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.          But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”          The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset.  He spoke to the salesman sharply. “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said   the older man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there.” “And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”   The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you?    She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the  grinning salesman sheepishly. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price…” “See you later, Dad, Happy Father’s   day.”

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun…”I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says. This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?” The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Saturday morning the weather was too bad to play golf.

I was bored with nothing to do.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

I opened it to find a young, well dressed man standing there who said: “Hello sir,

I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.

So I said, “Come in and sit down.”

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

He said, “Beats the crap out of me. Nobody’s ever let me in before.”

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

“We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

“Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

“It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”


RMC March 28, 2017

An economist is someone who doesn’t know what he’s talking about – and make you feel it’s your fault


Q: Why did God create economists?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.


A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks, “will this cure my illness”? Answer of the doctor: “No, but the half year will seem pretty long”.


Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was, remember this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back.

But of course, they killed one each and come Sunday, they talked the pilot into letting them bring all three dead moose onboard. So just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said. Where the hell are we. Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year.


Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.” The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock so he takes the bet. “973,” says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.” Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.” Man says sure. “You are an economist for a government think tank,” says the shepherd. “Amazing!” responds the man, “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?”

“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”


A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. “I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn,” the innkeeper says. The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they’re awakened by a knock. It’s the engineer, who says, “There’s a cow in that barn. I’m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal.” The chemist says that, OK, he’ll sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It’s the chemist who says, “There’s a pig in that barn. I’m Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal.” So the economist is sent to the barn. It’s getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep, Bu they’re awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It’s the cow and the pig!

RMC Humor – February 21, 2017

The Horseback Ride

It had been decades since 80 year old Herman had been horseback riding and he had wonderful memories of those days – galloping across the meadows, the wind blowing through his hair, feeling almost as one with his stead.  His wife saw the big smile on his face as he stopped next to the horse and  knew immediately what was on his mind.

“Don’t even think about it, Irving.  You’re not a kid anymore! For god’s sake, you’re 80 years old.”

But he couldn’t resist. One foot in a stirrup, he grabbed the saddle horn and swung his 80 year old body up on onto the saddle.

Herman was clearly unprepared when the horse suddenly took off and he immediately dropped the reins and grabbed the saddle horn to try to steady himself on the galloping horse. But he was off balance and began slipping down the side of the horse.  It was clear that Herman was in serious trouble when he had slid down so far that his head was only inches from the horse’s hoofs. During all this Herman’s wife got progressively more upset and with his head down next to the horse’s hoofs, she started screaming, “Oh my god, some body help, somebody help!”

That’s when the Wal-Mart greeter ran over and pulled the plug.




What’s the Cuban National anthem?

Row, row, row your boat.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has the description of the animal in front of the cage along with a recipe.

What’s the difference  between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins with, “Once upon a time. . .” and the southern begins with, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Who was the first person to see a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

Did you know that if you played a country music song backward, you’d get your dog, your gun, and your girlfriend back”

The Mourner

A man was walking past a cemetery when he heard the most pathetically mournful wailing.  It was so loud and sounded so painful that it stopped him in his tracks, and he followed the noise to see if he could in some way comfort the distraught mourner.  He found a man on his knees in front of a headstone wailing over and over again, “Why, oh why did you have to go!  Why? Oh why?”

On and on the wailing continued until the mourner sensed the presence of the stranger.  The stranger asked, “Sir, please excuse the interruption but I couldn’t help hearing your painful cries.  I’m so sorry for your loss.  It must have been somebody very dear to you who you miss so much as you call out over and over again, “Why did you have to leave? Why did you have to leave?”  Is it the loss of a close relative or great friend?

“No,” said the mourner, “My wife’s first husband!”



 The Shuttle

There are very brief and crowded flights between Boston and New York virtually every hour.  Their crowded and offer no amenities.  So a Jew got on the flight and the only seat available was on the aisle in a row that had three seats and there were two Arabs in the other two seats.  He sat down, fastened his seat belt, took off his shoes to be comfortable, and stated reading his New York Times.  They had just taken off when the Arab in the window seat said, “Excuse me, but I would like to get out to get a Coke from up front.”  The Jew said, “No need to get up; I’m on the aisle and I’ll just go up and get it for you.”  Which he did but while he was doing that, the Arab reached over, grabbed one of his shoes, and spit in it.

A little while later the other Arab excused himself to also go get a Coke and again the Jew offered to get it for him and again while he was doing that, the second Arab spit in his other shoe.

When the plane was beginning its descent for landing, the Jew put on his shoes and knew instantly what the Arabs had done.  He looked at them and said, “It’s long past the time when we should end the fighting, stop the rocket attacks on Israel, stop building settlements in the Arab Territories, stop persecuting the people of the West Bank.  No more spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes.

The Biker Hero

At Melbourne Zoo, a little girl slipped under the guard rail at the lion’s enclosure, and put her arm through the bars to pat the lions. A lion bounded up and grabbed her arm to pull her through the bars. A quick thinking young man in a leather jacket hurdled the barrier, punched the lion in the nose causing it to let go, and pulled the little girl to safety.

A journalist who witnessed the whole thing came up and said “I’m a journalist for the Age, and I saw the whole thing. It was amazing the way you saved that girl. I’m going to make sure it’s in tomorrow’s paper. Can I get some details”


“Are you local?” asked the journalist

“No”, replied the young man,”I’m just doing a motorcycle tour of the world and happened to be here. I’m Israeli”

Well the article appeared as promised, on the front page, under a huge bold headline: Israeli Biker Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch!!



The Arab Diplomat

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

RMC Humor January 10, 2016

Some time ago I decided to go golfing and as I was teeing up on the second hole I noticed a frog sitting a short distance away.

I think nothing of it and was about to shoot when I heard,

Ribbit 9 Iron.’

I looked around but I didn’t see anyone.

Again, I heard, ‘Ribbit 9 Iron.’

I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, so I put the club away, and grab a 9 iron.

Boom! The ball landed 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked and said to the frog, ‘Wow that’s amazing.  You must be a lucky frog.’

The frog replies,

‘Ribbit Lucky frog.’

I then decided to take the frog to the next hole.

‘What do you think frog?’

‘Ribbit 3 wood.’

I took out a 3 wood and, boom! Hole-in-one

I was befuddled and I didn’t know what to say.

By the end of the day, I had the best game of golf in my life and I asked the frog,

‘OK where to next?’ The frog replies, ‘Ribbit Las Vegas So I went to Las Vegas and said, ‘OK frog, now what?’

The frog says, ‘Ribbit Roulette.’

Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, ‘What do you think I should bet?’

The frog replies,

‘Ribbit $3000, black 6.’

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figures what the heck. boom!

Suddenly tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel.

I sat the frog down and said, ‘Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.’

The frog replies,

‘Ribbit Kiss Me.’ I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. ‘And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

If the sun is out, it’s really windy, and you’re getting wet….better get on the upwind side of the livestock.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.

Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

RMC Humor December 13. 2016

Early Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?” “Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant. “That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened.”


Children’s Gifts

Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit



It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

 With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, “Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”

 “Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.” (pause) “Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale, which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.” “That’s not why it’s there.” (pause) “Ok, I give up. Why is it there?” “It’s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”


A very Cold Winter

The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to his teepee, picked up his cell phone, and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter going to be cold?” The man on the phone responded, “This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed.” So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?” “Yes”, the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold Winter.” So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: “Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely,” the man replies,” The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”





New England Home

 My wife and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and the year’s first snow came early and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. “If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my wife confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My wife called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”


Snow Plow

 A senior citizen driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. He didn’t panic however, because he remembered what he had heard that morning on the Weather Channel. “If you ever lose your way in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he started to follow it.

 He followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the plow got out and asked him what he was doing. And he explained that on the Weather Channel they explained that if you ever got lost in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

Elderly Couple Texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.  The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.  She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.”

The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

From:: Bob Srenaski

RMC Humor November 29, 2016

– If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

– I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

-Yesterday a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect”.

-I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

After a round of golf four friends decided to hit one of the local bars.  They found one that had a line outside so it took so they thought it must be a good place.  When they got inside they discovered it was very large, well decorated and had several pool tables.  When they made their way up to the bar they were informed that all the drinks were ten cents.  It made no difference if you ordered a beer or wine of an old fashioned.  Whatever drink you wanted it was ten cents.

So they asked the owner how that could be.  He informed them that over the years he had made a ton of money but his true love was to someday own a bar.  So he decided as long as his money would last he would serve ten cent drinks.

The golfers thought that was great and ordered a round.  When the owner came back with them one of the golfers asked about the three guys sitting at the end of the bar.  He said, “What’s with those guys?  Why aren’t they drinking?”

To which the owner replied, “Ah, those guys are from the Green Bay Retired Men’s Club.  They’re so cheap, there waiting for happy hour.”

RMC Humor November 1, 2016

You can tell you are going to have a rotten day when:

RMC Humor October 18, 2016

The Tired Young Man

The man came to see the doctor about his constant fatigue.  After examining him, the doctor said, “I’m afraid that you’re going to have to give up sex.”

The man said, “But I’m a young guy. How can I just give up sex?”

“Well,” the doctor said, “you do what everyone does. You get married and you taper off gradually.”


God’s Son

An Iowan died and went to heaven.  St. Peter said, “Before I let you in, you must pass a test.”

“Oh no,” said the Iowan.

St. Peter said, “Don’t worry.  This is easy. Just answer  this one question: Who was God’s son?”

The Iowan thought and thought, and finally said, “Andy!”

St. Peter said, “Andy?”

The Iowan said, “Yes. We sing it in church all the time: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own.”


The Graduate

On his first day of work, a recent University of Iowa graduate was handed a broom by his new boss and told to sweep the floor.  He looked at the boss with disgust and said, “Hey! I’m a graduate of the University of Iowa, you know.”

The manager took the broom back and said, “Really? Sorry about that.  Here, let me show you how it’s done.”


The Produce Dept Worker

A young man worked in the produce section of the supermarket.  A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.  The young fellow told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The young man said he’d go and ask his manager what to do.

He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.”  As he finished saying that he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager OK’d the deal and later said to the young man, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.  You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from,young man?”

“I’m from Minnesota.”

“Oh, really! Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager.

The young fellow replied, “Because they’re just whores and hockey players up there.”

“The manager said, “My wife is from Minnesota!”

To which the young man replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”


The Hat

A Rabbi was walking slowly out of the synagogue in New York when a gust of wind blew his hat off and out into the street. He was an old man who walked with a cane and certainly wasn’t able to chase after his hat.

Across the street a young gentile man saw what was happening, rushed into the busy street, courageously retrieved the hat, and returned it to the old Rabbi. “ I could never have gotten my hat back by myself.  Thank you so much.”  He then placed his hand on the man’s shoulder and said, “May God bless you, my son.”  The young man thought to himself, “I’ve been blessed by a Rabbi; this must be my lucky day.”  He decided then and there  to go to the racetrack.

In the first race he noted a horse named “Stetson” was running at 20 to 1.  He bet $50 and sure enough, the horse came in first.  In the second race, a horse named “Fedora” was at 30 to 1, so he bet all of his money on that horse.  Fedora came in first, as well.

When the man returned home at the end of the day, his wife asked him where he had been.  He explained how he caught the Rabbi’s hat, and how the Rabbi had blessed him, and how he went to the track and bet on horses that were named after hats. “So where’s the money?” she asked.

“I lost it all in the ninth race.  I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.”  “You fool, “chateau” is the French word for house, Chapeau  is the French word for a hat.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.”


The Painter

An elderly couple were talking about things that needed to be done around the house.  They agreed that the front porch was really looking bad and needed to be painted.  They also agreed that they could no longer do things like that, so they would advertise for a painter.  On the day that their ad appeared, there was a knock on their door.  There was a young lady in her 20’s who said she was responding to their ad.  The man explained that the porch needed to be painted and that everything she would need for the job was in the garage.  They agreed on the price and the young lady headed for the garage.  The young lady returned two hours later and told them that she had finished the job and was ready to be paid.   “Done already! That certainly was fast!”  “Yes,” said the painter,” as a matter of fact, there was enough paint for the two coats I put on.”    They paid her and as she was walking away, she turned and said, “By the way, it’s not a porch, it’s a Mercedes.”

RMC Humor October 04, 2016

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God, again saw that it was good.      On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years, how about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed that it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, be marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

The other night my wife and I were sitting on our patio having a glass of wine when she said; “I love you so much. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.” I asked her; “is that you or the wine talking?” She said; “It’s me…talking to the wine.”

Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg.

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way. He said: “Up until last week, I still had it all. A cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school …” I asked him, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol?   Divorce?”

“Oh no, nothing like that” he said. “No, no … I got out of prison.”

Do you remember when we used the terms; wearing many hats, or keeping many balls in the air at the same time, or killing two birds with one stone?   Today kids call that Multi Tasking.   Well I can Multi Task. I can laugh, cough, sneeze, and pee all at the same time.

RMC Humor September 20. 2016

Mean Sarg

An especially gung ho sergeant had his men marching all day in the 90 degree sun until they could hardly stand anymore.  But he had them stand at attention anyway.  He walked up to one private, put his face about two inches from the kid’s face and yells, “Private! I bet you hate me so much that you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave.”  The kid replies, “Sir! No Sir! When I get out of the army I’m never going to stand in line again!”


A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him he only has a day to live, probably won’t make it through the night. He goes home and tells his wife the bad news and she asks him what he wants to do in his final hours. Of course, he wants to spend the time having sex.  So they have sex all night long.

Finally, about 2:00 a.m., the wife says she’s tired and wants to go to sleep.  He says, “Oh, come on, can’t we do it one more time?”  She says, “Look, I’ve got to get up in the morning, you don’t.”


A man goes to the doctor because he’s not feeling well.  After a thorough examination, the doctor  tells him that he has bad news, “You’re dying and really don’t have much time.”  The man asks, “That’s terrible news, just how much time do I have?”

 The doc says, “about ten.”   The patient says, “Ten? Ten what? Ten minutes? Ten hours? Ten Weeks” C’mon  doc, tell me!”

The doc says, “Nine – eight – seven- six ….”



A man is feeling poorly, so he goes to his doctor.  After numerous tests, the doc says, “I’m sorry, but you have an incurable condition and there is nothing I can do for you.”  The man pleads with the doctor to suggest anything he might do to improve his condition, and the doctor then suggests that he go to the spa and take a daily mud bath. “Will the mud baths cure me?”  “No,” says the doctor, “but it will help you get used to dirt in your face.”


A man walks into the medical clinic waiting room and sees this little seven year old boy crying.  He asks the kid why he is crying and the little boy says, “I came for a blood test and they cut my finger.”  Then the man breaks into tears and the little boy asks him why HE is crying.  The man replies, “Because I came for a urine test.”

RMC Humor 30 August 2016

Last night I was thinking, I might get up in the morning and go running. I also thought I might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.

A friend of mine said his wife won’t talk to him. He said she found his phone and wants to know why he has a girlfriend on the side. He told her he don’t have any girlfriend. And she said; “Oh yah, then who is Amber…Alert?

I was going to fly to Atlanta the other day but when I went to board the plane the flight attendant told me, “You’ve got the whole plane to yourself! The large group going to the Psychic convention all canceled at the last moment!

I hate it when I put on 10 pounds for a movie role and then remember I’m not an actor.

I got a birthday card from the funeral home but it didn’t impress me. They only want me for my body.

A few Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

–       Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

–       Life is sexually transmitted.

–       Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

–       Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

–       Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese.  FINE, it was a pizza.
I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
I love being old. I learn something new every day…….and forget 5 others.
A thief broke into my house last night……He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

RMC Humor 02 August 2016

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer  answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”

“Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.  You’ll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high.”

Come on now…you really didn’t think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story…did you????

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?
Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
Why don’t you ever see the Headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such long word?
Why is it that Doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there Mouse-flavored cat food?

Why isn’t there Cat flavored Dog food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The best thing about being old is that we did all our stupid things before the internet.

RMC Humor 12 June 2016

How teaching math has changed over the years.

  1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in high school) A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?
  2. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?  Yes or No 4. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 2000s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok). 6. Teaching Math In 2014 The question is no longer in English and the answer is: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and the memories came flooding back of the time

I took my son out for his first beer.  Off we went to our local bar which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Budweiser. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Carling Black Label.  He didn’t like it, so I had it.

It was the same with the Miller Lite and Coors.

By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the stroller back home.

They say, “If you love someone, set them free” I say, “If they come back, no one else wanted them either.”

You know how you can hit certain things a few times to get them to work again? I wish you could do that with certain people.

Instead of the sign that says, “Do Not Disturb”, I need one that says, “Already Disturbed, proceed with caution.”

I’ve reach the point in my life when my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

Why do people with brains the size of peas, have a mouth the size of watermelons?

When I said I wanted to live in the fast lane, I didn’t mean the one with the oncoming traffic.

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued The V.A. Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: “Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.  All we did was correct his eyesight.”

RMC Humor 27 June 2016

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.


You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well while I’m here.”


Do you remember when you were young and you referred to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?


The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.


Some people say I’m lazy.  I’m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing.


So I bumped this guy’s car the other day.  Not a big deal but this guy went on and on becoming a real jerk.  So I said to him, “Calm down, take a deep breath, and hold it for about 20 minutes.”


Did any of you have pets when you were growing up?  My dad wasn’t big on us having pets.  Although I once had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet but only for about 20 seconds and he only did it once.


When these girls from Victoria Secrets walk down the aisle in their underwear it’s called “art” and “fashion”.  When I do it, I’m drunk and not allowed back in Target.


My grandson asked me the other day, “Grandpa, did you know, in other countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?”  To which I replied, “It’s like that everywhere.”


The best way to get over a bad cough is to take a large dose of laxatives.  Then you’ll be afraid to cough.


I find a person only needs two tools in life.  WD-40 and duck tape.  If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40.  If it shouldn’t move and it does, use duck tape.


And remember, if you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

And last, the thought for the day.

Some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs.

RMC Humor 23 May 2016

Things I don’t understand:

-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

-If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

-If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

-If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

-If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

-Do Lipton Tea employees take “coffee breaks?”

-If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

-Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

-Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Four golfers, in their 40’s were trying to decide where to go for lunch after they finished their round of golf. They finally decided on Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, these same four golfers are again trying to decide where to go for lunch. Once again they decide on Hooters because the food is good, they have a lot of TV’s to watch the games and they have an excellent selection of beers.

At 60, these four golfers again decide to meet at Hooters for lunch because there is plenty of parking, they can dine in peace, and it’s a good value for their money.

They’re now in their 70’s and this time they decide to meet at Hooters for lunch because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they have toilets for the disabled.

Sometime after they turn 80 they decide to go out for lunch.   After some discussion they finally decide to go to Hooters because none of them have ever been there before.

A French policeman stops the Englishman’s car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humor,

“No sir, I do not!

But while we’re asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?”

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’ ‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’ The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars, this dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’ ‘Because he’s a BS’er. He’s never been out of the yard’

And REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like………..well, night.

RMC Humor 26 April 2016

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.                                                 John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.  The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.      Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.  John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door…only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John,   paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.  Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying…and wasn’t drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other….       ‘Look Paddy….there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it’

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

After seeing what happened, the old farmer went to investigate.  He then proceeded to dig a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out and saw the crashed bus against the tree.  Since the bus didn’t look that bad, he asked the old farmer, “Were all the politicians killed?”

The farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how politicians lie.”

Two hunters got lost in the woods.  The first hunter said, “Don’t worry.  All we have to do is to shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.”

So they shot three times into the air and waited, but no one came.  After a long time they shot three more and still on one came.  And again, after a long wait they tried it one more time with no response.

Finally the second hunter said, “I guess we can try it again, but it better work this time, we’re down to our last three arrows.”

Four successful brothers were chatting after dinner one evening.  They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elder mother who lived in Florida.

The first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “And I had a large theater built in the house.”

The third one said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver a SL600 to her.”

The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well.  I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible.  It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him.  I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for 5 years to the church, but it was worth it.  Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”  The other brothers were impressed.

After the celebration Mama sent out her “Thank You” notes.

She wrote; “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.  Thanks anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel.  I stay home; have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.  The thought was good.  Thanks.”

Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind.  I’ll never use it.  Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.  The chicken was delicious.  Thank you so much.”

RMC Humor 12 April 2016


Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds, when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

RMC Humor 15 March 2016

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning O’Malley.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“Dot she did, she spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Irishman.

A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say “Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. “Well” said the bartended “I guess this pig is very special so I’ll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened?” “Well,” said the young man, “when you got a pig this good you don’t eat him all at once!”

Clancy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in Phoenix Park, Dublin, last week. They sat down on a bench to rest. It was then they overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Immediately the misses realized that a young man was about to propose to his beloved. Not wishing to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, “Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.” Clancy replied, “Whistle? Why should I whistle?  Nobody whistled to warn me.”

Paddy and Clancy were walking home from the pub.  Paddy says to Clancy “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

Clancy stops, looks up and then looks at Paddy, “You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.” Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.

“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?’ The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,

‘Sorry, I don’t know, I don’t live around here.”

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving Home from the city one night and, Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. ” So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk. ” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite A few to drink this evening.” ” I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and Folding his arms across his chest, That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Walking into the pub, O’Malley said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little wife.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’ ‘When it was over,’ O’Malley replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’ ‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’ She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little coward.’

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”   “Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”


RMC Humor 08 March 2016

A teenaged granddaughter comes down the stairs for her date in a see through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother goes crazy and tells her she can’t go out dressed the way she is. The teenager says “Loosen up Grandma! These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” And out the door she goes.

The next day the teen comes down the stairs and finds the grandmother sitting in her rocker topless. The teenager is mortified. She explains to her grandmother that her friends are coming over and will be there shortly. “This is totally inappropriate,” she exclaims.

Gramma says “Loosen up sweetie, we’re going to have a garden show, you can show off your rosebuds and I’ll show off my hanging baskets!”

A ninety year old man goes to his doctor and tells him that he got his 18 year old wife pregnant.

The doctor says, ”Let me tell you a story. A man goes hunting in Alaska and looks up to see a grizzly bear attacking him. He reaches for his gun but picks up an umbrella by mistake. Never the less he points his umbrella at the bear and kills it.

“Impossible, someone else must have shot it, says the ninety year old.

“Exactly my point,” says the doctor.

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife. He starts rubbing her breasts and says “If only we could get some milk from these we could get rid of the cow.” He then begins rubbing her backside and says, “If only we could get this to to lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”

Not to be outdone his wife rubs his groin area and says, “If we could get more action out of this we could get rid of your brother and the hired man!”

RMC Humor 16 Feb 2016

Guy says to the diner waitress: “Hey, there’s a fly in my soup; what’s a fly doing in my soup?”

Waitress: “Lemme see. Yeah, there’s a fly in there alright. Looks like it’s praying.”

Diner: “Get it th’ hell out of here!”

Waiter: “See, his prayers have been answered.”

Two bankers order coffee in a New Jersey diner. When the coffee arrives, they each take a sandwich out of their briefcase and take a bite. The waitress says, “Hey, you can’t be eating yur own sandwiches in here.” So, they exchanged sandwiches.

Waitress in a New Jersey diner: “So, What’ll it be today?”

Customer: “Tell you what.  I want my eggs hard and burned around the edges.  I want my bacon burnt to a crisp, and I want my toast black and hard.  I want my coffee bitter and cold, and when you bring my food, I want you to yell at me.”

Waitress: “What?  Are you nuts?”

Customer: “No, just homesick.”

A very well dressed blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks to see the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and wants to borrow $5,000. The loan officer tells her the bank will require some kind of collateral for the loan so the woman offers to give them the keys to her car which is parked in front of the bank. When she offers him the car title, he sees that it is a Rolls Royce. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan and the woman leaves with the requested $5,000.

The loan officer tells the rest of the executives about the deal and they all get a good laugh at the blonde who gives the keys to a $250 thousand Rolls for a $5,000 loan. They then have an employee drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground executive parking facility.

Two weeks later the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 loan and the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very well, but we’re a little puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return. Such a deal!

Son says to his mother: “Mama, I have the biggest feet in the third grade. Is that because I’m Polish?”

“No, son, it’s because you’re nineteen years old.”

A road crew supervisor in Pulaski hired Stash to paint the yellow line down the middle of Hwy 29 heading up toward Shawano. The supervisor was skeptical about hiring Stash since he didn’t have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and told the supervisor that he really needed the job because his wife was threatening to leave him if he didn’t get work soon.

The supervisor explained to Stash that his work for the day would be to complete 2 miles of centerline on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started. At the end of the day the supervisor was pleased to find that Stash had painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told the young man how very pleased he was with his performance.

On the second day, Stash completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. The supervisor was surprised since it wasn’t anywhere near what he had done on the first day but didn’t say anything since the kid did what was required of him.

One day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Stash completed only one mile of road. He called Stash into his office and asked what the problem was. On the first day you finished 4 miles of road, on the second day 2 miles, and now on the third day it was only one mile. What’s the problem, Stash?”

“Vell” Stash said, “I’ll tell ya vut is da problem, but I thought a smart man like you would figger it out fer yerself. Every day I get farder and farder avay from da paint can.”

RMC Humor 9 Feb 2016

If a man is in the forest talking to himself, with no woman around, is he still wrong?

If a woman is in the forest, talking to herself, with no man around, is she still complaining?

Woman says to her husband: “Did you ever notice the Wymans next door? How loving they are? He always puts his arms around her and kisses her when he comes home.  Why don’t you ever do that?”

The husband replies: “If I knew her better, I would.”

A woman walks into a sporting goods store and tells the clerk that she wants to buy a shotgun for her husband.

The clerk asks: “Do you know what gauge he wants?”

She replies:  “No, he doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.”

A man walked into a supermarket and bought a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a frozen dinner for one.

The woman at the checkout said, “You’re single, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Yes, how did you know?”

She replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

With a very seductive voice the wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband with a puzzled look on his face.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into her cleavage created by her slightly exposed shear black bra,and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled bill from her and smiled approvingly.

Then she asked, “Have you ever seen one hundred dollars all crumpled up?”

“No, I haven’t” he said, an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her sheer brief black panties, and pulled out a crumpled $100 bill.

He took the crumpled bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

She said, “Have you ever seen 20,000 dollars all crumpled up?”

“No way,” he said becoming ever more aroused and excited, to which she replied,

“Go look in the garage!”

One of our retired mens club guys was spotted in a very upscale jewelry store in Milwaukee with his arm around a very well-endowed young lady who was quite obviously not his daughter.

He was overheard telling the jeweler, ”I’d like to purchase something very nice for my special friend here. A very nice necklace or bracelet. What do you have to show us?”

The jeweler took out a diamond bracelet with a price tag of $199 and our retired friend said, “No, No! You don’t understand, I want her to have something really nice, not something cheap!”

Next the jeweler presented a necklace with a $1,500 pricetag.  The young lady had a bored look on her face and our friend said, “No, no, I want her to have something  REALLY, REALLY SPECIAL.”

After a couple of more tries to satisfy the couple, the jeweler asked them to wait a minute while he got something very valuable out of the safe.

He soon returned with a fancy jewel box and when he opened it to reveal its contents, the young lady got a broad smile on her face, gave our retired friend a kiss on the cheek, and whispered something in his ear which brought a very big smile to his face as well.

The jeweler explained that the very beautiful diamond necklace and matching earrings in the case were once worn in a movie by none other than Elizabeth Taylor which was one of the reasons for the $20 thousand price tag.

Our friend could see that his young companion could hardly contain her excitement, he told the jeweler “sold.”

After he received our friends check, the jeweler apologetically explained that he could not release the jewelry until the personal check had cleared the bank and since it was now Friday evening and the banks were closed, he would  call our friend after the bank cleared the check which would no doubt happen Monday morning. They could then pick up the necklace and earings.

The young lady looked a bit disappointed at having to wait until Monday, but our friend assured her and the jeweler that Monday morning would be just fine.

On Monday morning, our friend received a call from the jeweler who was irate.

“Your check not only bounced, but I was told that by the bank that the account had been closed over a year ago. You knew that when you gave me the check, didn’t you?” You knew it was a bum check!”

Our friend replied, “I sure did.  Now, let me tell you about my marvelous weekend.”

RMC Humor 05 January 2016

Well, I guess it just had to come to this sooner or later! A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”

He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

A blond man is in jail; the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.

“Hanging myself”, the blond replies.

“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.

“I tried that”, he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe”.

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” To which the blond man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year”.

The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th”.

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

To which the blond man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you, because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!”

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver’s side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

“I cannot believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” the cop said.

“You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”

A pilot radios the tower and asks what time it is.

The guy in the tower replies, ”It all depends”

The pilot then asks, “What do you mean, it all depends?”

Well says the guy in the tower, “If you’re an American airliner, its 3pm. If you’re Air force it’s 1500 hours. If you’re Navy, it’s 6 bells. If you’re Army, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3, and if you’re a Marine, its 120 minutes to Happy Hour.”

RMC Humor 01 December 2015
The other night a neighbor lady was invited out for a night with the “girls.” She  told her husband that she would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning her husband asked me what time she got in, she told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, she got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When she asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

A grandfather, a widower, a divorced father and son are ready to tee off on the first tee for a nice round of golf for their traditional Thanksgiving Day outing. They lived in Macon, Georgia so it is possible.

Just as they were about to take the first swing, a very attractive young woman walks up to the tee and explains that the starter had told her to play with them. Expecting the worst, but being polite they reluctantly agree.

As they wait for her first tee shot they joke that she might be able to play , but not golf. To their surprise she belts a 215-yard drive, passing all three of them. The guys agree that this might be a fun round after all.

Throughout the round she is hitting unbelievingly well, driving, chipping, and putting. On the eighteenth green she is left with a 6 foot putt for a birdie round. This will be her best round ever if she can sink her putt.

She thinks for a moment and says “I’ll have sex with whichever of you three can give me the advice on how to sink this putt right after this round.

The grandson studies the line and tells her the putt will break five inches to the left. The father walks over and studies the putt from every angle and says it will break 5 inches to the right. Gramps hobbles over and accidently kicks the ball about 4 ft. closer to the hole. He looks at what he’s just done, bends over, picks the ball up; tosses it to the woman and says “It’s a gimme!

A couple were golfing one day at a very exclusive golf resort that was ringed with multimillion dollar homes.
On the third tee the husband said to his wife, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball.  Don’t knock out any windows.  It will cost us a fortune to fix them.”
The wife teed up her ball and proceeded to knock it through a window on the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses.  All right, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much it will cost to repair it.”
They walked up to the door, knocked and heard a voice say, “Come in.”
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, “Are you the ones who broke the window.”
“NO,actually I want to thank you.  I am a genie who was trapped for a thousand years and you released me. I am allowed to grant three wishes.  I will give you each one wish and keep the third wish for myself,” the genie said.
“Okay,” the husband said, “I want one million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,—It’s the least I can do. And you,  what do you want?” the genie asked the wife.
“I want a house in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said.
“And what is your wish, genie,” the husband asked?
“Well, since I have not had love with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey, I guess I wouldn’t mind if it’s OK with you.”
It was, so the genie took the wife upstairs and they made love for two hours.  After it was all over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, How old are you and your husband anyway?”“We’re both 35,” she said.
“Really, and you both still believe in genies?”
A priest, a doctor and a lawyer are waiting to start their golf game one morning, but are held up by a particularly slow group of golfers.
The lawyer says, “What’s with these guys?  We’ve been waiting for over 15 minutes!”
The doctor says, “I don’t know but someone should tell the ranger!”
The priest says, “Hey, here comes the ranger now.  Let’s have a word with him.”He turns to the ranger, “Say, not to complain, but what’s with the group ahead of us?  They’re rather slow.”
The ranger says, “Oh, yes that’s a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a terrible fire last year, so we always let them play anytime for free.
The group falls silent for a moment.
The priest says, That’s so sad.  I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Good idea, I’ll call my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The lawyer says, “Why the hell can’t these guys play at night.?”
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  The name on her tag reads Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack,’ the frog begins, “I’d like to apply for a $30 000 loan to take a well-earned vacation.”Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog replies, “My name is Kermit, Kermit Jagger.  My dad is Mick, and he knows the bank manager personally.”Patty explains that he will need some kind of collateral to secure the loan.
The frog says”Sure, I have this,” and pulls a tiny porcelain elephant from his briefcase.  “My father got this as a gift in 1968 and it has been appraised for close to $200,000.”
Very confused by the whole situation, Patty tells the frog that she”ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She walks into the manager’s and says, “You’re never going to believe this, but there’s a frog sitting at my desk right now.  He says his name is Kermit Jagger.  He says his dad is Mick Jagger, says his dad knows you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral and she holds up the tiny porcelain elephant.”I don’t even know what this is?”
The bank manager looks at the figurine and tells her,
That’s a knick knack, Patty Whack.  Give that frog a loan.  His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

RMC Humor 24 November 2015

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. “Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.” The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.  I think she could be right.” Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done!  My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!  You’ve just made my day.  Now I know I can handle the bad news.  What is it?” The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

My little grandson had just finished his first week of school. And he told me, ‘I’m just wasting my time, I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said… “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”     My grandson opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.   ‘Grandpa, look what I found, I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

There was a miser who loved nothing more than money.   All his live he horded it. When he was finally on his death bed he made his wife promise that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him.   He wanted to take it with him to the afterlife.

A short time later he died and at the funeral home, just before they closed the casket his wife placed a box in it with him.   Her friend noticing this said, “You didn’t put all that money in the there with that stingy old husband of yours?”

To which the wife replied, “Yes, I did. I promised him I would and I’ve always kept my promises. I got all his money together and put in my account and wrote him out a check.”

Hugh Hefner said the other day that Playboy was not going to show any completely nude pictures of women from now on. He said that’s because nowadays anyone can go on the internet and see that sort of stuff. I didn’t know that, I only go on the internet for the articles.

Two women were talking and one asked the other, “Do you know how Lions make love?” To which the other replied, “No, all my husband’s friends are Rotarians.”

RMC Humor 27 October 2015

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied – “My husband’s checkbook!!” A husband-to-be asked the sales girl in a book store, “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?” Sales Girl replied, “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor.” Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv.  What’s the secret?” Old man: “I forgot her name years ago and I’m scared to ask her.” A wife to her husband, “I wish I were a newspaper so I’d be in your hands all day.” Husband: “I too wish that you were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day!” A husband to wife, “Today is a fine day.” Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.” Again next day, he says same thing – “today is a fine day.” Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband, “Since last week, you are saying ‘today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?” Husband: “Last week when we had an argument, you said, ‘I will leave you one fine day’. I was just trying to remind you.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,

I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

The Global Recession A recession hits everybody really hard.  My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.  CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.  Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.  I saw a Mormon with only one wife.  If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.  McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.  Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.  My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!  A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.  A picture is now only worth 200 words.
An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, “For God’s sake, Phil… Leave it on the porn channel…You know how to fish!”
RMC Humor 29 September 2015

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a long night of drinking, Joe woke up in the morning to find himself next to a really ugly woman. …That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.

A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?’ Granny replies, hell with the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

My friend’s wife got naked and asked him, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? ‘He looks her up and down and replied, ‘Your sense of humor!

My wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast all day now.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”

My misses packed my bags and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”   “Oh,” I replied, “…So now you want me to stay!”

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.  The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”. Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”. And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.” Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.” “No”, says the nurse, “Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

RMC Humor 22 September 2015


UPS has the equivalent of its own large airline and an extraordinary safety record.

One of the main reasons for that great safety record is that after every flight the UPS pilots fill out a form called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about any problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots and the solutions recorded by the maintenance mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P:Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

M: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

M: Set DME volume to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

M: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in (read as letters) OFF mode.

M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

M:Suspect you’re right.

P; Number three engine missing.

M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums

M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

M: Took hammer away from midget.

Holy Prostitutes

A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he noticed a sign out of the corner of his eye. It read: “SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES”

He thought this was a figment of his imagination and drove on without a second thought. But soon he saw another sign that read: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES.

With that he figured that those signs were real and soon he drove past a third sign that read: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT.

As you can imagine, his curiosity got the best of him and he pulled into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot was a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading, SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

The man climbed the steps and rang the bell. The door was answered by a nun in a long black habit who asked, “What may we do for you, my son?”

The man said, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing some business.”

“Very well, my son, please follow me.”

The man was lead through many winding passages and was soon quite disoriented. Finally, the nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, “Please knock on this door” and she left him there. He knocked and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answered the door.

She told him, “Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”

He put $100 in the cup, eagerly trotted down the hall and slipped through the door which closed and locked behind him. That’s when he found himself back in the parking lot facing another sign which read:




Sidney, who’s almost ninety years old, weighs maybe a hundred ponds soaking wet, walks up behind the head lumberjack, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Excuse me, I’d like a job chopping down trees.”

The lumberjack, six foot four, 275 pounds of muscle, turns around and looks at skinny little Sidney, and says, You’ve got to be kidding. This is tough job! Not for little old men like you. Besides, where did you ever work before chopping down trees.?”

“Well, I’ll have you know” said Sidney, “That I used to work at the Sahara Forest.”

He lumberjack looks at him and says, “You mean the Sahara Desert.”

“Oh, well now it is!”


A woman calls up her friend. She says, “Becky, I understand you got a new apartment.”

Becky says, “ I do. I got a pretty apartment. Why don’t you come visit?”

“I’d love to visit but I don’t know where you live. You gotta give me some directions.”

“I live on 1486 Eighty-sixth Street. You’ll take the train, get off at Eighty-sixth street. You’ll see a big apartment complex, 1486. Outside you’ll see a double door. With your right elbow, press down the handle from the door, push open the door, and you’ll be in what we call a vestibule.”

“In the vestibule’s a list of bells. I’m apartment 4B. With the left elbow, press 4B; it’ll ring upstairs. As soon as I hear the ring, I’ll buzz you.

“When you hear the buzz, with your right elbow, press on the inside door, push open the door, go straight ahead to the elevator, and with the left elbow press UP.

“You’ll get in the elevator, with the right elbow press 4 for the fourth floor. The door will open up; you’ll go straight to my apartment, 4B.

“You’ll ring the doorbell with the right elbow. Give it a couple of knocks with the left elbow; I’ll answer the door. You’ll come in; we’ll have coffee.”

Her friend interrupts, fed up. “What kind of directions are these, with elbow? The left elbow, the right elbow. What’s with the elbow?”

Becky says, “What? You’re coming empty handed?”

RMC Humor 8 September 2015

You probably heard that one company is introducing a Viagra-like drug for women to increase their libido. There is also a new mechanical device now on the market to increase women’s erotic desires – its called a Mercedes-Benz 500SL Sportser.


The mayor of a small town in Israel was walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman. “What’s new Sarah?”

“Why it’s nice to see you again, Avi,” replies the wife. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker and they speak for several minutes.

After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.

“Oh,” she said. “We went together in high school and I even thought about marrying him.

The husband began to laugh, “You don’t realize how lucky you are. If I hadn’t come along, today you’d be the wife of a construction worker!”

The wife replied without hesitation, “Not really. If I had married him, he’d now be a mayor.”



A man walked into a café, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

“Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”

The man glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”

“A nickel,” replied the bartender.

“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “How can you keep this place open with those prices?”

“Oh, I don’t own this place,” replied the bartender.

“Well where is the owner?”

“He’s upstairs with my wife.”

“What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

“Same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”





A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.  Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”  To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”  Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.  Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.




 A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. “Do you have health insurance?” she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” “Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun. He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.” The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair of all different colors – green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.  I was just wondering if you were my son.”

RMC Humor 18 August 2015

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week that he wants to become a Christian.

Stroking his beard, the rabbi says, “It’s funny you should come to me about this problem. I too brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to the university and it cost a fortune, and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.

The man asks the rabbi, “What did you do.”

“I turned to God for my answer.”

“So vat did He Say?”

He said, “Funny you should come to me . . .”

That same rabbi was praying one day – having a conversation with God.

He said, “God, it must be amazing to be you. We become obsessed with things that must seem so trivial to you. So, how do you see something like a thousand years?”

God relies: “A thousand years is like a minute to me.”

“So, vat about a million dollars?”

“Like a penny to me.”

“So how about giving me one of those pennies?”

“Just wait a minute, my son.”

“Just a minute!”

When the rabbi wasn’t looking, the young boy stole the rabbi’s watch. It didn’t take long for his conscience to start bothering him. So he went to see the rabbi to confess his crime and clear his conscience.

“Rabbi, I must confess. I stole a watch and I can’t sleep because I feel so bad. , Please take it, I don’t want it.”

The Rabbi says, “No, you can’t give it to me; you must return it to the owner.”

The boy says, “I tried but he doesn’t want it.”

“Then I guess you get to keep it.”

A very pious rabbi and a bus driver who both lived in Israel, died on the same day and went to the gates of Heaven. The bus driver was let into Heaven immediately, but the rabbi was told to wait while consideration was given to whether he should be let in. He was outraged. “That bus driver was a Nobody! He didn’t come to synagogue, he didn’t give to the poor, he didn’t do anything except drive that broken down bus.”

“Look at me. I’m a rabbi. I gave to the poor, I kept the ten commandments, and I gave three sessions on the Torah every single day.”

At angel says, “That’s all true. But when you gave your sessions everybody fell asleep. But when the bus driver drove his bus, everybody prayed.”

Bishop Murphy walks into a ward in Provo, Utah – Mormon country, and says to the first man he meets,” Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”

The man said, “I do, Bishop.”

The bishop said, “Then stand over there against that wall..”

Then the bishop asks a second man, “Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”

“Certainly, Bishop,” was the man’s reply.

“Then go stand there against the wall.”

Then Bishop Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said”, “Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t sir.”

The bishop said, “I don’t believe this. Do you mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”

O’Toole said, “When I die, yes, but I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured nails).The sons thought they could increase market share with some judicious advertising.

Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was – a picture of Christ on the Cross with the caption: “Nails for every purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails.”

The old man immediately met with his three sons to voice his deep concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue the ad.

A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday ride in the country when he saw the new billboard. There it was – a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below and the caption: The next time Use Moskowitz Nails.”

Mr. Schwartz goes to meet his future son-in-law, Sol. He says to Sol who is very religious, “o, nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?”

“I study the Torah, “ he replies.

“But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?”

“No problem, “ says Sol. “I study the Torah and it says God will provide.”

“But you will have children, how will you educate them?”

“No problem” says Sol. “I study the Torah and it says God will provide.”

Mr. Schwartz goes home and Mrs. Schwartz

Anxiously asks him what Sol is like.

“Well,” says Mr. Schwartz, “he’s a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I’m God.”

The main course at a big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him

“When,” scolded Father Kelly playfully, “are going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?”

Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied, ”At your wedding reception, Father Kelly.”.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 08/04/2015

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket and get your wife’s ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip. All of them gave the same reply…”What trip?”

A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it? Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs peace and rest, so here are some sleeping pills. Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you!

Cool Message by a Wife Dear Mother-in-law, “Don’t tell me how to handle my children, I’m living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement”

A woman was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

However keeping track of each roosters performance took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Her favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this one morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To her amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

She was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize”: they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/21/2015
God and St. Francis holding a conversation…


Say Frank, what the heck’s going on down there on earth? Whatever happened to my beautiful gardens? Where do all my dandelions, and violets, and milkweed go that I started eons ago? They were a perfect no maintenance garden. These plants grew in any type of soil. They withstood drought and they multiplied in abandons. The nectar from them were long lasting and attracted butterflies, and honey bees, and flocks of songbirds.

I expected to see gardens of all colors by now.   But all I see are green rectangles.

Well, St Francis replied, “It’s the tribes that settled here, Lord. They’re the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and they went to great lengths to kill them off and replaced them with grass.”


Grass, but that’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, or birds, of honey bees.   All it attracts is grubs and sod worms.   Besides it’s sensitive to temperatures.   Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass to grow down there?

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.   They begin each spring by fertilizing it and poisoning any other plant that crops up in it.


The spring rain and warm weather probably makes that grass really grow fast. That must be what makes those Suburbanites pretty happy.

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it…sometimes twice a week.


They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and bag it.

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

Now let me get this straight. They fertilize the grass to make it grow. And when it does, they cut it and pay to throw it away?

Yes, Sir.


These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut down on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

Well, you aren’t going to believe this, Lord.   When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so that they can continue to cut it and pay to get rid of it again.


What nonsense. At least I noticed they kept some of my trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.   The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a perfect natural cycle of live.

You better sit down for this one, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

Well, you see, Lord, after they throw away the leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

Mulch? Where do they get this mulch?

They cut down trees and grind them uo to make the mulch.

Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. I need to relax and maybe watch a movie. St. Catherine, do we have any movies I haven’t seen before.

Yes, Lord, we have one called ‘Dumb and Dumber’,

No, no, no. St. Francis just told me the whole story.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/23/2015
A friend was walking past a mental institution a couple of weeks ago and all the people on the other side of the fence were yelling “13…13…13…”
The fence was too high to see over, but he saw a gap between two planks, so he looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked him in the eye with a stick, then they were all shouting 14…14…14.”
The same guy has his car break down a couple nights ago outside a pizza hut so he ordered a pizza to be delivered to his house and got a lift from the driver.
When he gets home he finds his girlfriend had left a note on his fridge:
“It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to my mom’s place.”
He opened the fridge.  The light came on.  The beer was cold…
What the hell was she talking about?
Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/9/2015


Never take a beer to a job interview.

It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the restaurant may not have dogs. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested. Tell her things like, ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’ Always establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Thursday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’


Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when you’re driving. Do not lay (burn) rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/192015
A gentleman in Minnesota decided to have himself cloned from his fingernail and the result was a perfect likeness in every detail except one.  And that was that the clone had a filthy mouth…making obscene remarks wherever he went, much to the extreme embarrassment of the gentleman.  Finally, it had such a damaging effect on the gentleman’s life with the rotten-talking Clone ruining his reputation that the gentleman invited the Clone to go on an outing to the countryside.
The gentleman enticed the Clone to view the magnificent view from the edge of a cliff along the Mississippi River.  As the Clone leaned forward to view the panorama below, the gentleman bumped his Clone from behind and the Clone fell 140 ft. to his death.
The police soon showed up at the gentleman’s door and arrested him for murder.  His attorney argued very convincingly that basically he threw his fingernail away.  Not wanting to let the man off without any kind of penalty, the judge sentenced him to 10 days in the county jail for making an obscene Clone fall.
Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.  The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one. “Take this gun and go into the next room and kill whoever is in there.  If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.!”
The man takes the gun and goes in the next room where he finds his wife..
Taking one look at her, he returns to the instructor and throws down the gun and says, “I can’t do that and quits.
The second man goes into the room, sees his own wife, hesitates a moment, then he too resigns.
The third man took the gun and went into the room.  The instructor hears 6 rapid shots, followed by screams, a thud and silence.Then the door opened and in comes the third man looking all messed up.He said to the instructor.  “You idiot, you gave me blanks and I had to strangle her.”
Three men go to their seats at a football game and discover that there are two nuns sitting in front of them wearing the full regalia.The men wanted to drink beer and swear at the referees without being scolded by the nuns, so they decide to badger the nuns until they move.
One guy said, “I think I’ll move to Utah because there are only 100 catholics living there.”The second said, “I want to move to Montana because there are only 50 catholics living there.”The third says, “I ‘m going to move to Idaho because there are only 25 catholics there.”
One of the nun’s turns around and says, “Why don’t you go to hell because there’s no catholics there!”
Ole and Lena bought a second hand piano.  It wasn’t working very well, so Lena called a piano tuner named Opper Nockity.  The piano tuner worked two hours and after Lena paid him, he left.  But the piano soon returned to its former bad sounds and Lena told Ole the tuner should be called back to fix it.  Ole said that he doubted that the tuner would come back, because, as Ole put it. “It’s a well known fact that Opper Nockity tunes only once.”
Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/12/2015
Now Mildred was the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals and kept sticking her nose in to other people’s business.   Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.    However, one day she made a mistake, when she accused Earl, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.    At a church meeting she told Earl (and several others) that everyone seeing his truck there would know exactly what he was doing!    Earl, a man of few words, and so he just stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked out of the meeting. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny… he said nothing.   Later that evening, Earl quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… walked home… and left it there all night.   You don’t want to mess with Earl.
I haven’t verified this, but it sounds legit.  A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.   What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.    Not a chance she replied. He won’t even take an aspirin.” “Not a problem” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”    “What is Irish Viagra?” she asked.    “It’s Viagra dissolved in a cup of coffee. He  won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes” he said.    She called the doctor the next day. “How did it go?” he asked.  “Oh faith, begosh and begorrah, doctor, it was horrid. Just terrible, I tell ya!! I’m beside meself!”   “Really, what in the world happened?”   “Well, I did as you advised. The Viagra in his coffee took effect right almost immediately. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, and a twinkle in his eye.   With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and saucers flying across the room, then he ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there on top of the table.    Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”  Why so terrible” asked the doctor, “Wasn’t the sex good?”  “Freakin day, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again”
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. ‘Fishin’ I’d be,’ replied the old man.   ‘Poor old bugger,’ thought the gentleman. So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught today?’ ‘Ah, you’d be the eighth.’
Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/21/2015
A cowboy is sitting at a bar.  A guy comes into the bar and sits next to him..  He asks, “Are you a real cowboy?”
The cowboy replies, “Yes, I believe that I am.I spend my day riding around on a horse,looking after cattle and sleeping on the ground.”
Later, a woman comes in and sits next to him and asks, “Are you a real cowboy?”
“Yes, I am. I spend the day riding around looking after horses and cattle.  I suppose that I am a real cowboy.  How about you?” 
She replies, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.  I get up in the morning, take a shower, and I think about women.I have breakfast and I think about women, I go to work and I think about women.”
Ten minutes later a man comes in and sits down next to the cowboy and asks, “Are you a real cowboy?”
The cowboy replies “Up until ten minutes ago I thought I was.”
Why was Isaac 12 years old when God told Abraham to sacrifice his son?
Because if Isaac were a teenager it might not haves been much of a sacrifice!
The Devil you say!
One morning the devil decided to go to church .  He appeared just before
the offering, in a shower of sparks, flames and smoke.  He ran up and down the aisles yelling and screaming, and all of the congregation ran out
except for one old man sitting in the back.
The devil leaned over him, shook his spear, let out a ferocious roar, and cried, “I am the satan, Beezlebub, the prince of darkness. I am evil incarnate.  Do you not fear me?”
The old man replied, “Why should I.  Been married to your sister for 42 years.”
This woman is visiting in Israel and notices her travel alarm needs a new battery.  She searches for a shop that sells batteries but because she does not read Hebrew she has no luck.  Finally, she sees a small shop with watches and clocks in the window and goes in and hands the man her clock.
He says, “Madam, I don’t service clocks.  I’m a Rabbi, I do circumcisions.”
She says, “Why all the clocks in the window then?”
And the Rabbi says, “And what would you have me put in the window?”
Church Bulletin
In a Seattle, Washington church bulletin.  The maintenance committee would like to thank Alfred E. for washing all the church widows.
The drag queen walks into a Catholic church just as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging a incense pot.  And he says to the priest, “Honey, I love your dress, but did you know that your handbag is on fire?”
Telling Her Age
A woman buys herself a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.  A week later on her way home from work she stops at a newsstand and buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 33,” is her guess.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman says happily.  A little while later she goes into a McDonalds and upon getting her order, she asks the counter girl the same question.
The girl replies, “I think you are 27 years old.”
The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.”
Now, she is really feeling good about herself.  While waiting for a bus home, she asks an old man next to her the same question.
He replies, “I’m 78 years old and my eyesight isn’t what it used to be.  Although, when I was young there was one foolproof test that I used.  Unfortunately, it requires that I put my hands up your shirt under the bra and feel your boobs for a minute or so.  Then I can tell you exactly how old you are.”They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the better of the woman, and finally she says, “What the hell, go ahead.”
The old man slips his hands under her shirt, under the bra and feels her boobs for a couple of minutes.  She says, “O.K., O.K., enough of this, How old am I?”
He removes his hands from under her shirt and says, “you’re 47.
Stunned, the woman says, “That is amazing, How did you know?’
The old man replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”
Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/14/2015

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year so we always let them play for free anytime!.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Yesterday I was at the Petco store buying a large bag of dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So I told her no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Chower Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Dog Chow and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked, if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned you, why would I do it again? I told her no it didn’t poison me, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the fire fighter said with admiration. ‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon toher dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. ‘Little partner,’ the fire fighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’ The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

Retired Men’s Club Humor 03/17/2015

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, “I’ll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 pints of beer in 10 minutes.”

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, “Is that bet still on?” “Sure.”

So the bartender lines up 10 pints of beer on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, “Where did you go when you left?”

The Irishman answers, “I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it.”

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Malley after his Sunday morning service and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary, my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father.”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, please Mary, put down that damn gun…”

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finally one of them looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife… who will it be?”

They draw straws. Paul O’Doul picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? He says. I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.”

So O’Doul goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. O’Doul declares, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” says Murphy’s wife.

“I’ll go tell him that right quick,” says O’Doul.

An old Irishman was asked, “At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get… Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?”

The Irishman answered, “Definitely Parkinson’s…

Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”

Patty looks terrible as he enters a pub. “What’s the matter”, ask the bartender, “Did ya have another fight with the little lady again?”

“Sure did”, replies Patty.

“Well what happened this time/” asked the bartender.

“Ah, I tell ya, she was on her hands and knees.”

“On her hands and knees?” asked the bartender, “what did she say?”

“She said, get out from under that bed ya little coward.”


Retired Men’s Club Humor 02/24/2015

Two irishmen named Shawn and Pat are the best of friends.  During one particular night of drinking, the two agree that when one passes on, in tribute the other will will spill the contents of a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed friend.  As fate would have it, Shawn is the first to fall seriously ill.  Pat comes to visit his friend one last time on his deathbed.
“Shawn,” says Pat. “Can you hear me?”
Faintly, Shawn replies, “Yes Paddy, I can.”
“So, would you be rememberin’ our little pact, then?”
“Yes, I do, Paddy.”
“So would you remember that I’m to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave.” A bottle which we’ve been saving for over 30 years now?” 
“Yes, Paddy, I do.”
“It’s a very old bottle now, you know.”
“And what are you gettin’ at Pat?”
“Well, shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I be filtering it through me kidneys first?”
According to legend , there’s a bar in New York with a magic mirror.  If you look into  it and tell the truth, it will grant you a wish.  If you lie—poof!—-it swallows you up and you are destined to live in another dimension, behind the mirror, for all eternity.
One night, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into this bar.  After a few drinks, they head straight for the mirror they’ve heard so much about.  The redhead goes first and says, I think I’m the most beautiful of us three.  Instantly, she is surrounded by piles of money.  The brunette steps up to the mirror next and says, “I think I’m the smartest out of us three.”  Presto!—The keys to a new red sports car appear in her hand.
Finally, the blonde goes up to the mirror and says, “I think……….”  Poof!
The strong man at the circus  was demonstrating his strength.  He lifted several weights that other men could hardly push.  He then finished his act by taking a green stick and squeezing sap out of it.  When he had squeezed several drops out of it he asked if any one in the audience would like to try, and a frail-looking lady came forward, took the stick in both hands, and squeezed.  To the amazement of the strong man, a rivulet of sap ran down over her knuckles.
“Who are you, anyhow, lady?” he asked.
“Oh, I’m just the treasurer at a Methodist church,” she replied.
Little Ole had been acting a little strangely, so Ole took him to a psychiatrist.
“Tell me son,” said the shrink, “How many wheels on an automobile?”
“Four,” answered Little Ole.
“Very good,” said the psychiatrist .  “Now …What is it a cow has four of and a woman has two of?”
“Legs,” said little Ole.
“And what does your father have that your likes the most?” said the doctor.
“Money,” said Little Ole.
The psychiatrist turned to Ole and said, “You don’t have to worry about this boy. He’s SMART!”
“I’ll say he is,” said Ole.  “I missed da last two questions myself.”
The Lutheran minister is driving down to New York , and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on the pastors breath and asks if he’s been drinking.
And the minister replies, “Just water.
The state trooper asks, Then how come I smell wine?”
The minister looks the trooper in the eye and says “Good Lord, He’s done it again.”
Three couples apply for admission to a rather conservative church.  One couple is elderly, another is middle aged and the last couple are newly weds.
The head pastor, after a short interview, informs the couple that to join his church they must refrain from sex for two weeks.  The couples all agree and are to come back in two weeks.
Two weeks later they return and are questioned by the pastor:  “Were you able to refrain from sex for two weeks?”
He asks the elderly couple if they were successful in refraining from sex and they assured them they had.
The pastor then asks the middle aged couple if they were able to refrain from sex for two weeks and they replied they were successful, but the man did admit that he had to sleep on the couch most of the second week.
The pastor then asks the newly weds if they were able to omit sex from their lives for two weeks.
The young man replies, “No, they were not.”
“What happened?” asked the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a lightbulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn’t help myself, and we had sex right there on the floor.
The pastor then says, “You are not welcome in this church because of that.”
The young man replies, “That Okay, we’re not welcome at Kraft’s grocery store either.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 02/17/2015

True Newspaper Headlines

Bugs flying around are flying bugs

Statistics show teen pregnancy drops off after age 25

Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons

Marijuana issue sent to joint committee

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

17 remain dead in morgue after shooting spree

Cow urine makes juicy lemons

Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800 Lb ball on his head

Bridges help people cross rivers

City unsure why sewer smells

Study show frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances

Man accused of killing lawyer gets new attorney

Here’s something to think about.

I have a friend who recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said he was doing ‘fairly well’ for his age. (He had just turned 65).

A little concerned about that comment, my friend couldn’t resist asking him ‘do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

The doctor then asked him, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’

‘Oh no,’ he replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

‘He said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ he said.

So he asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?’

‘No,’ my friend replied again.

He looked at him and asked, ‘Then why the hell do you want to live to 80?’

A man in Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.  He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.  Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.      He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read “Calls $10,000 a minute.”      Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.  The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.      The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.  As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Denver, Oklahoma City, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.      Finally, he arrived in Wisconsin.  Upon entering a church in Beaver Dam   Wisconsin and behold – he saw the usual golden telephone.  But THIS time, the sign read “Calls 35 cents.”     Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.  “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.  Your sign reads only 35 cents a call.  Why?”      The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, “Son, you’re in Wisconsin now. You’re in God’s Country.  It’s a local call…

Retired Men’s Club Humor 02/10/2015

Ole took some art lessons and became adept at oil painting.  He wanted to tackle something more significant so he decided to paint the contestants at the chess convention being held in the town’s swankiest hotel.

These were very, very dedicated chess players and were prone to bragging about their chess exploits. So, Ole painted a group picture of the chess enthusiasts as they played in the foyer area of the hotel.

After finishing the painting, Ole titled it: “Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Sen. Sam J. Ervin Jr. of N.C. – Firm Knowledge

There was a Presbyterian & a Methodist down in North

Carolina who got to arguing about the Presbyterian doctrine

of predestination, and like all religious arguments the longer it

lasted the more wrathful the participants became. Finally, the

Methodist said, “Well, I admit there might be something to the

doctrine of predestination.  I think Presbyterians are

predestined to go to hell.”

Then the Presbyterian said to the Methodist, “Well, I would

rather be a Presbyterian and know I’m going to hell than be a

Methodist and not know where in the hell I am going.”

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…

1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3 You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6 Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8 Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9 Your junior prom offered day care.

  1. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’
  2. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  3. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  4. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
  5. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  6. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  7. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
  8. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And in closing….

Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says,

“Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!”


Retired Men’s Club Humor 12/09/2014

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS HOW TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS: (You can’t make up this stuff) Remember, these people can vote…

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 11/25/2014

Adam and Eve

After Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden, all alone. Ofcourse it wasn’t good for hi to be all by himself, so God came down to visit.

“Adam,” He said, “I have a plan to make you much, much happier.  I’m going to give you a companion, a helpmate for you – someone who will fulfill your every need and desire.  Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life.”

Adam was stunned. “That sounds incredible!”

“Well it is,” God said.  “But it doesn’t come for free.  In fact, this is someone so special that it’s going to cost you an arm and a leg.”

“That’s a pretty high price to pay,” said Adam.  “What can I get for a rib?”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 11/04/2014

An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief. “Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news.”

The Chief asks for the bad news first. Scout says, “No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today.”

Chief asks for the worse news. Brave says, “Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by the thousands.”

Finally the chief asks for the good news. The brave says, “Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo!


An admiral is visiting one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, “Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, “That’s very unhygienic!”

The Chief shrugs and replies, “If you feel that way sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.”


“It is reported that the federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather.

What could go wrong when you combine the efficiency of the government with the accuracy of weathermen?”


What’s the difference between golf and politics?  In golf, you can’t improve your lie.


On their 30th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no “I” in ‘marriage.'”

The wife continued, “And for my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”


Husband says to his wife: “What would you do if I won the lottery?”

Wife says, “I’d take my half and leave you.”

He replies, “Great! I won $12 yesterday. Here’s six bucks. Stay in touch.”

Swen thought his new girlfriend might finally be the one but after secretly looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him.


A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office. He inquisitively asked the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?” She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She answered, “He sure is.” Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, “Then why did you eat him?”


A man is locked in a room with no way to get out. In the room there is a piano, a baseball bat, a saw, and a table. How could he get out?

He could take a key from the piano and unlock the door.

He could take the bat and get three strikes. Then he’d be out.

He could take the saw and cut the table in two. Then, by putting the two halves together, he would have a hole and could get out.



Undocumented aliens were caught being sneaked across the U.S. border

in washing machines.

Border security says once they were captured, they all pretty much came clean.”


An Australian man tried to rob a gas station with a boomerang.

Police expect he’ll return to the scene of the crime.”


This last Friday, my wife put on a pointy black hat and a long black dress for Halloween.  However, both were covered with 100 watt bulbs.

She went as a Lights Witch.


Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/21/2014

 Here is an easy guide to keeping political news in perspective:
  1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
  2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
  3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
  4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
  5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time, and if they didn’t have to leave southern California to do it.
  6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
  7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
  8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
  9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
  10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it but, if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans
  11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
  12. The Minneapolis Star Tribune is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
Ohio State coach Urban Meyer on one of his players:
“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning
of a lot of words.”
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday
go hunting on Sunday,
and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
How many Florida State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  That’s a sophomore course.
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
A USC football player was almost killed
yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.
He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
What do you say to a Michigan State University 
football player dressed in a three-piece suit? “
“Will the defendant please rise.”
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going
to dress half of his players for the game this week;
the other half will have to dress themselves.
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Why did the Texas linebacker steal a police car?
He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
 How do you get a former University of Washington footballplayer off your porch?
     Pay him for the pizza.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/14/2014

How teaching math has changed over the years.

  1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in high school) A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?
  2. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?
  3. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?  Yes or No
  4. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
  5. Teaching Math In 2000s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok).
  6. Teaching Math In 2014 The question is no longer in English and the answer is: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

Two men are ice fishing not too far apart.  One is catching a lot of fish while the other isn’t having any luck at all.  So the one who isn’t having any luck calls over to the other and asked, “What are you doing to catch so may fish?”  To that the other man replays, “Ow-got-r-e-r-rrs-orn”   The other fisherman says, “I’m sorry but I can’t understand you.”  So he repeats, “Ow-got-r-e-r-rrs-orn”   To which the first one says again, “I still can’t understand what you’re saying” So the other man spits in his hand and replies, “You got to keep your worms warm.”

Back in the day of the horse and bug there was this couple who just got married.  They hadn’t gotten very far when the horse got stuck in the mud.  To this the man said, “That’s once” and he got out of the buggy and pulled the horse out.  A few more miles down the road the horse got stuck again.  And again the man said, “That’s twice” and pulled the horse out.  Well, as it turned out a short time latter the horse got stuck again.  This time the man says, “That’s the third time” and with that he hauls out his gun and shoots the horse.  Now his bride is taken back and says, “What did you do that for…he’s just a horse and doesn’t know any better.”  Her husband turns to her and says, “That’s once”.  They haven’t had an argument in fifty years.

A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member of the family, a 29 months toddler.  Furious he demands an explanation: He says, how could you have done this to me!  Did you cheat on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John? His wife with a daring look says, your friends!  Your friends!  Don’t you think I have my own friends too?

A policeman finds someone crawling on all fours in the middle of the street.  The cop approaches him and asks him, “What on earth do you think you’re doing?”  The man on the all fours replies, “I’ve lost it.”  The policeman asks him curiously, “lost what?”  The man answers, “well (hiccup) my balance sir.”

Bob tells Fred: My wife drives me to drink. Fred comments: You’re lucky.  I have to walk.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/09/2014

Some He said, She Said Jokes:

He said to her, “I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.”

She said to him, “You wear pants don’t you?”

He said to her, “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”   She said to him “That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.”

He said to her, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?” She said to him, “Turn sideways and look in the mirror”

He said to her, “Why don’t women blink during foreplay?” She said to him. “They don’t have time.”

He asked her,  “How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?” She said to him, “I don’t know; it has never happened.”

He said to her, “What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? She said to him, “A widow.”

He asked her, “Why are married women heavier than single women? She said to him, “Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.  Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge. “


“An old gentleman asked his waiter for a large glass of prune juice. The waiter replied, “Is that for here, or to go?”


A policeman bought a house with a yard that was in terrible shape full of weeds, rocks and junk. But in no time he had it healthy, green and beautifully manicured. His neighbors got together and cited him for restoring lawn order.


I went out to buy some goose feather pillows but I found they were so expensive I couldn’t even afford the down payment.


A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. “So who did you see before coming to me?” asked the important doctor. “My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen.” “Your GP?” scoffed the doctor. “What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did Cohen give you?” “He told me to come and see you.”


An automobile salesman was pleasantly bewildered when he sold a new car to a blonde, who had previously resisted his sales pitch. Elated over his success, he asked her, as he was filling out the necessary papers, “What had finally made you choose this car?” “Well,” the blonde said, “I visited four dealers and mentioned your car to all of them. They all agreed on one thing — that your car has the fastest depreciation of all the cars on the market. That was good enough for me.”


When I sit down for my morning constitution, I start reading the newspaper

and end up forgetting to do my business.  I think I have Attention

Defecate Disorder.

There was a report of a man who accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. His next crap could spell disaster.


The most common form of marriage proposal these days: “YOU’RE WHAT?”


I just read that on average, an adult U.S. male will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese!

Retired Men’s Club Humor 09/30/2014

Insufficient Passage

Abie and Becky had been married for several years and there was no sign of a baby. So they were very upset, and Abie told Becky to go to the doctor and ask him what’s the matter.

So she went to the doctor and the doctor examined her. And he said, “Well, you have an insufficient passage, and if you have a baby, it’ll be a miracle.”

So she went home and Abie says, “Nu, nu? What did the doctor say?”

“The doctor said I got a fish in the passage and if I have a baby, it’ll be a mackerel.”

Last Meals

Three guys are going to be executed: a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew.  They each get a chance to pick their last meal.

They ask the Italian, “What do you want?”

The Italian says, “Pasta primavera! I love-a pasta primavera!” So they bring him the pasta; he eats it, then they shoot him.

They say to the Frenchman, “What would you like?”

The Frenchman says, “l’immense filet mignon, sil vous plait.”

They bring him the filet mignon; he eats it; they shoot him.

They then ask the Jew what he wants for his last meal. He says, “Strawberries, all the strawberries a man could possibly eat.”

“Strawberries?  Strawberries? We don’t have any strawberries; they’re out of season.”

The Jew says, “I’ll wait!”

Mrs Moskowitz & Tommy the Cat

This is about Max and Morris.who are brothers in the furniture business and they’ve been partners for years. Max has got a family and Morris lives alone with his cat, Tommy.

One day Max says to his brother, “Morris, you’ve just been working too hard. You gotta take a vacation.  You gotta get away from the business for a bit.”

Morris says, “How can I do that? Who’s gonna take care of my cat? Tommy the cat?  I love him so much, I just can’t stand to be away from him.”

Max says, “ I’ll take care of Tommy the cat.”

Morris says, “You’d do that for me?”

Max says, “ Of course I’d do that for you. I’m your brother.  You go have a nice time.  Go to Miami.  Have a nice trip.”

So Morris gets on a plane; he flies down. Soon as he gets off the plane, he gets out his cellphone and calls up his brother.’

“So Max, I’m in Miami. How’s business?”

“Vell I tell ya; I had a little problem.

“So vat’s the problem?”

“Mrs. Muskowitz, Irving’s widow! She wants another couch.”

“Oy, She crushed another couch with her big fat toosh? The only thing bigger than her toosh is her mouth.”

“So, what did you tell her?”

“Mrs. Muskowitz, you’ve had three couches and you broke every one of them. You should take your business to Mr. Silverstein down the street.  He has couches for people like you. Wow, such a mouth she has.”

She says,” For people like me? For people like me?”I know what you mean by that crack, you little person.  You and your brother, you little schmucks. You’re not even men!  You have small brains and smaller penises.  If my husband Irving was alive, he would crush you and your brother and his stupid cat with one hand.  My Irving was a real man; you are little schmucks.”

“So, what did you say?”

“I lost it, Max! “Mrs. Muskowitz, three couches!  Three couches crushed with your big fat toosh. A flashing yellow light you should have on your head and an “Extra Wide Load Sign” on your big fat toosh to warn people to get out of the way.  And that mouth, Oye! such a mouth you have. Bigger than your fat toosh.  And your husband, Irving, He’s not dead – he’s hiding!”

Morris says, “OK, Max, Mrs. Muskowitz is a schmuck. So, how’s my Tommy the Cat?”

Max says, “Vel, that’s the other news from yesterday.  Tommy the Cat fell off my apartment balcony; down he went seven floors to the street in front of a garbage truck.  Now he’s a flat cat.!”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 09/16/2014


The Golden Toilet

A couple is invited to a swanky dinner party. When they arrive, they are blown away:  the mansion is immaculate, the wine is free-flowing, the food is top-notch, everything is perfect.

Toward the end of the night, when everyone has consumed a fair share of wine, the husband excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

When he gets back, he tells his wife, “Sadie, I knew the people who lived here were rich, but you have no idea.”

Sadie replies, “What do you mean?”

“The bathroom, you have to see it! They have gold toilets!  Literally made of gold.”

Sadie doesn’t believe her husband and refuses to go to the bathroom just to look at the toilets. The night goes on and Sadie’s husband keeps insisting that she go to look.

They eventually leave, without Sadie going to look, but the next morning Sadie’s husband is still going on and on about the gold toilets. Sadie finally gives in and decides they will go back to the mansion to look at the toilet.  When the couple arrives at the mansion, they ring the doorbell and the butler answers.

Sadie says, “I am so sorry to interrupt your day, but is the missus of the house available?”

The missus comes to the door and asks, “How can I help you?”

Sadie, extremely apologetic, starts talking, “I’m sorry to be rude, but my husband and I were here last night for the party which was amazing! Thank you for hosting it; it was great.  There is just one thing, though.  My husband keeps insisting that you had a golden toilet, and I just had to see it for myself.”

The missus of the house takes a long look at Sadie and her husband, turns around and yells out, Hey Morty, I know who crapped in your tuba.”



The clock Shop


An international businessman is traveling through Europe and his train stops in Zurich, Switzerland.  And he knows that he’s got three hours to make his next connection, so he figures he’ll walk around the town a little bit.

He gets off the train and takes a look at his watch, and sees that his watch has stopped, which is kind of awkward. So he thinks, well, it’s Switzerland, they’ve got to know about watches here.  And he starts to walk around looking for a place, but it’s Sunday and all the shops seem to be closed.

Except, after about ten minutes, he sees this tiny little shop, and the window is completely filled with watches and clocks. And he says, “This is great.  I wonder if he’s open.”

He checks the front door, the door is open, he walks in and out to the rear of the store comes this elderly fellow wearing a yarmulke and a prayer shawl. Of course he’s open on a Sunday; he’s Jewish.

So the man says, “Look, I’ve got a terrible problem. I’m traveling through Europe and I have many meetings to make.  I have many train connections to make.  I’m going to stop in Geneva next and then Paris.  And my watch has stopped on me, and I really can’t function without the use of my watch.  Can you please fix it?”

The man says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know a thing about watches. I’m a mohel.  I perform ritual circumcisions.”

The man says, “Wait a minute though. Your windows are full of watches and clocks.”

The man replied, “Well, if you were in my profession, what would you put in your window?”











Calling Mom

A man called his mother in florida. “Mom, how are you?”

“Not so good,” said his mother. “I’m very weak.”

The son said, “Why are you so weak?”

She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in thirty-eight days.”

The son said, “that’s terrible.  Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”




The Jewish Taxi Driver

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City, and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady, I vasn’t staring at you like you tink, dat would not be proper vair I come from.”

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or toush, sweetie, what are you doing then?”

The old Jew paused a moment, then told her, “I am looking and I am looking and I am tinking to myself, ‘Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis taxi ride?”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 09/02/2014


A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment. There is a big panel on the wall. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside; the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“What! You’re coming empty handed?”

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued The V.A. Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: “Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.  All we did was correct his eyesight.”

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, he says “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch to see how many slow down.

2. On all your check stubs, write ‘For Marijuana’.

3. Whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face, order a Diet Water.

4. Sing Along At The Opera.

5. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

6. Tell Your Children over dinner: ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go…

7. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!

Yesterday, a couple of my buddies and I stopped in at Hooter’s for some Hot Wings and drinks. After being there for a while, one of the servers asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told her “The one who knows how to fix elevators.”  I’m old, tired, and have to pee a lot.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 08/26/2014


Bill Gates and God

Bill Clinton, Ai Gore, and Bill Gates ail died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to AI and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

AI responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important.

God looked to AI and said, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand”. God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand”. God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked “What is your problem Bill Gates?”

Bill responded ” I think you are sitting in my chair”.




An Airliner

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

The Pastor and the Peanuts

The new pastor was calling on the elderly who could no longer go to church. His first call was to a woman who went by the name aunt Sally. She was quite old and in a nursing home. He was somewhat nervous, and he kept eating peanuts from a bowl next to her bed.. When he got up to leave, he noticed that he had eaten all the peanuts.

“I’m so sorry but It seems that I ate all your peanuts.”

“Oh, that all right,” Aunt Sally said, I’d already gummed all the chocolate off them anyhow.”

The Tap Dancing Duck

A guy walks into a bar and sees everyone crowded around a table, watching a little show. On the table is an upside down pot with a duck tap dancing on it.

The man is impressed and announces that he is the owner of the Hamilton Brothers Circus and would like to buy the duck.

After some wheeling and dealing , the circus owner pays the bartender $10 000 for the duck. Feeling generous, the bartender even throws in the pot.

The next day the circus owner storms back into the bar. “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him out there on a stage before a sold out audience and he just stood there.

The bartender responds with: That’s weird…or did you forget to light the candle under the pot?

Retired Men’s Club Humor 08/19/2014


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up

to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I

would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the

law? I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All

kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have

any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her

husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,  “Oh, You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”


A woman and her ten year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

“Mom” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “yes.”.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”

“Most of them become taxi drivers,” she said.


Three Englishmen are getting wasted in a pub when they spot an Irishman sitting off in a corner.  For a little amusement one of the Englishmen approaches him.

“Did you know that St. Patrick was a sissy?”  he asks.

“Oh no, I dinnae know that.” the Irishman replies.  “Thank ye.”

The Englishman returns to his friends, complaining that he hadn’t gotten a rise out of the Irishman.  The second Englishman decides to try.

“Hey did you know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?” he asks.

“Oh no, i donna know that. Thank you for the information,”  the Irishman replies.

The second man returns to his friends, amazed that he too, had not gotten to this guy.  The third man thinks he has the solution.

He approaches the Irishman and asks him: “Did y’know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?”

Oh, no I hadn’t heard that but I believe that’s what y’r friends have been trying to tell me”


A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says: “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says: “Yes …. How did you figure that out?”

“Easy..” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it’s over the girl says: “You must be a good dentist.”

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: “Sure – I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”

The girl replies:….”Didn’t feel a thing.”


A man goes to see his doctor because he has a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.  “Hmmmmm,” the doctor says, “That’s strange.”

The guy replies, “I know, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”


Saddam Hussein wanted to document his memoirs, so he asked his guard for a stenographer.

The guard came back a little later with a laptop computer instead.

“No Thanks,” said Saddam, “I’m a dictator.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 08/12/2014


             A priest just finished a rousing sermon which was about peace and love.  He wheels around and says to one of his congregants, “And you, sir, what would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?”

The man says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a hard worker; that I was a good provider; that I took care of my family.”

“Thank you,” says the priest.  He points to another congregant. “And you, sir, what would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?”

He says, “ I’d like to hear them say that I was a good father, a good husband, and a good brother, and that I contributed to the church.”

“Thank you,” says the priest.  He points to another congregant.  “And you, sir, what would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?”

He says, “I think I’d like to hear them say, “Hey! I think he’s moving!”

Three Old guys


These three old Jews are sitting on a traffic island on Broadway as they do most sunny mornings.

One of them says out of nowhere, “Ech,  It’s terrible.  I hate it. I just can’t stand it.”

The other one says, “Max, what’s wrong with you?”

Max says, “ It’s being eighty-five years old; dat’s vats wrong!  You know, every morning I get up.  It’s seven o clock, I go to pee.  I stand there; I push; I squeeze: nothing comes out – maybe a little dribble, dribble, dribble if I’m lucky.  It’s terrible.”

His friend says, “I know what you mean.”

“Why, what’s your problem?”

“Every morning, you know, I try to move mine bowels.  I push; I squeeze; I groan; I grunt – maybe raisins if I’m lucky.  It’s terrible.”

The third guy says, “I know vhat you mean.  Being old, it’s just awful.”

Max says, “What’s your problem, Sol?”

Sol says, “Well, every morning, seven o clock, I pee like a golden fountain.  Eight o clock, I have a nice bowel movement. Nice big plums.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

He says, “I don’t get out of bed until nine.”








Everything Hurts


A beautiful redheaded lady, a real Scarlet O Hara, walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, doctor, you’ve gotta help me.  I’m in terrible pain.  Everything I touch on my body hurts.  Not just one thing, everything!”

Doctor says, “Everything?”

“Absolutely everything!”

Doctor says, “Show me.”

She says, “Well, look.”  She touches her head. “Oh!, I’m in terrible pain when I do that. “

She touches her neck, “Oh, that’s worse.”

She touches her side and starts to scream. She touches her leg; she’s in anguish.

The doctor looks at her and saysm, “You’re not really a redhead, are you.”

She says, “ Well, not really.             He says, “ You’re a blonde, aren’t you?”

“Yes I am, but how did you know?”

“Because you’ve got a broken finger!”

Bra Shopping


Sam goes into Macy’s, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, “My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said you’d know what I mean.”

The saleslady says, “Boy, it’s been a long time sinc anybody’s asked me for a Jewish bra.  They usually ask me for a Catholic bra, or a Salvation Army bra, or a Presbyterian bra.”

He says, “What’s the difference?”

She says, “The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra uplifts the downfallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

He asks, “Well, then what’s a Jewish bra.”

“Oh, a Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills.”











It’s a second grade class in an American public school.  The teacher asks each child to tell the others how he will celebrate Christmas.

Johnnie says, “I help my daddy cut down a Christmas tree.”

Susie says, “I help decorate the tree.”

Then it’s Irving’s turn.

He says, “We all climb into my father’s Rolls Royce.  We drive over to his toy factory.  My father looks at all the empty shelves and says, “Thank you, Jesus!’ and then we all fly to the Bahamas for a weeks’ vacation.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/29/2014

An Emergency Call Center worker in London, Ontario, has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal for following protocol.
It seems a male caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating,  “I am depressed and lying hear on a railroad track.  I am waiting for the train to come along and end my life.  
Apparently “remain calm and stay on the line” is not always an  appropriate or correct response.


The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She  pressed ‘control and ‘enter’
And she disappeared from view.
It  devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must  have caught a virus,
Or been eaten by a worm.
I’ve searched through  the recycle bin,
And files of every kind;
I’ve even used the  Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr.  Google,
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was  negative,
Not a thing was found ‘online.’
So, if inside your  ‘Inbox,’
My wife you should see,
Please ‘Copy, Scan’ and ‘Paste’  her,
And send her back to me.

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas . The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, “Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, “Gringo ,we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800’s.”
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, “Just the four of you?”
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The other 12 million are already there.
Big Boots
A woman walks into a bar in Waco sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.  He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.  The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is little lady.  Why don’t you come over to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.  The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am.  Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me for my services before.”
The woman replies “Don’t be flattered.  Take the money and and buy yourself some smaller boots.”
Chinese Baby
A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby.
The nurse brings over a healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents.  “What are you going to name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, “Well, two Wongs can’t make a white, so I think we’ll name him: Sum Ting Wong.”


Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/29/2014


Lottery Ticket


An old man was sitting in temple and praying: “Dear God, let me win the lottery just once.  It would make me so very happy.”

The next week he was back again: “Dear God, I’m the guy who last week asked you to let me win the lottery.  I have kept all your commandments and performed all the required mitzvahs.  Just this once I would like to win the lottery.  Please.”

He was back again the following week: “God, I have to confess, I’m getting a little annoyed.  Here I am, a pious and prayerful Jew who goes to temple regularly and does everything he is supposed to do.  Why won’t you grant me this one favor and allow me to win the lottery?”

Just then there was a clap of thunder, the roof of the temple rolled back, a bright light descended on the old fellow, and a deep voice boomed out: “Abraham, Abraham, meet me halfway:  Buy a Ticket!”


Chinese Waiter


        Sam and his wife, Sadie, were visiting New York City from Green Bay.

Around lunchtime one day, they fond themselves in the Garment District  and went into a kosher restaurant, called Ben Siegel’s.

They sat down in a booth and were approached by a Chinese waiter.

They thought this was odd, but were astonished when the waiter took their order speaking perfect Yiddish.

During the meal, when Ben Siegel came around to their table to ask if everything was all right, Sam mentioned to him how surprised they were that the Chinese waiter spoke such good Yiddish.

“Shh,” said Ben.  “He thinks I’m teaching him English.”

The Son-in-Law


A young woman tells her mom that she thinks she’s pregnant.  Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.  The test result shows that the girl is indeed going to have a baby.  Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who did this to you?  I need to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.  A distinguished-looking man, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and young woman and tells them, “Your daughter has informed me of the situation.  I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take responsibility.  I’ll cover all of her expenses and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath her a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a town house, a beach-front villa, and two million dollars in cash.”

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a few factories and four million dollars.

If it’s twins, they will receive a factory and million dollars each.”

However, if there’s a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who has remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells hi, “You try again.”



Max is at his golf club.. He’s finished playing a round, showered, and shaved, and id now getting dressed.  The cellphone next to him rings; it’s on speaker.  The voice on the other end says, “Honey, are you there?”


“Honey, you remember that mink coat I wanted to buy, but it was a little too expensive?  The furrier called today.  Instead of $18,000, he’s willing to give it to me for $16,500 and I bought it.  I hope you don’t mind.”

You loved it.  I’m glad you bought it!”

Also, the Mercedes.  The dealer called.  In this economy, he wants to get rid of his inventory.  Instead of $86,000, it’s $78,000.”

Can you get it with all the options?”

“All the options.”

Buy it!”

“And those three French dresses that I really wanted, that will last me the entire winter?  Eleven thousand dollars.  I hope you don’t mind.”

It’s OK if you want them.”

“Oh thank you, dear! You’re so generous!”

Max hangs up and finishes dressing.  Everyone in the locker room is amazed that he’s been so generous with his wife.

As he’s leaving, he turns to the locker room and says, “Anyone know who owns this cellphone?”


Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/15/2014



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from your fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off the head of a bolt. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  They can also be used to transfer  intense welding heat to the palm of your hand when nothing else is available.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub in which you are trying to remove a bearing.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test the integrity of a wall.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, then trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut a good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the seals under caps or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt.  But it can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and in the process butcher your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war.  The hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as:  vinyl products, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while you are wearing them.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMM-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb.  They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ topless blonde came walking straight towards them ………….They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said’Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,  nodding and addressing each of them individually,then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’

‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’

She replied,

‘Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen..


Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/08/2014


Opening Night

I’s opening night on Broadway and the scalpers are having a field day; no tickets are to be had.

A middle-aged couple sees that next to them is a little old Jewish lady sitting next to an empty seat.

The man asks, “Whose seat is that?” and the old lady replies, “My late husband, Irving Bernstein.”

The man says, “I’m sorry for your loss, but surely you must have some friends or relatives who would have wanted to come and see the show!”

The old lady replies, “Yes, but they’re all at the funeral.”

The Accident

A little Jewish lady was not very attractive – in fact, she was awful looking – and had lived a somewhat unlucky, sad, and lonely life.  One day she is on a crowded bus and there’s an accident.  She is apparently mortally wounded and on the way to the hospital, she thinks, “Again unlucky and now I’m about to die.”

While she is pondering her sad life before she expires, God suddenly appears before her and says, “I know you’ve had a very tough life, but I’m not yet ready to take you.  Also, you’ll receive an ample sum of money for your injuries – it should easily last you for the twenty more years of life you’ll have.”

She’s overjoyed with the opportunity to finally enjoy life and figures that she might as well give herself the best opportunity.  So, while still in the hospital, she gets cosmetic surgery for her face and entire body.  After months of treatments and recovery, she looks in the mirror and sees that she is absolutely beautiful!”

She leaves the hospital and gets into a taxi to go home.  The taxi has a serious accident with another car and the woman feels her life ebbing away.  Suddenly, God appears again.  She says, “How could this happen?  You told me that I would have another twenty years of life!”

God replies, “Oh shit! I didn’t recognize you!”

The Medium


Jake dies.

Becky goes to one of those mediums and the medium looks into her crystal ball and a voice comes out. “Becky.”

She says, “Is that you, Jake?”

“It’s me, Becky.”

“Really! How is it, Jake?”

“Oh Becky, it’s wonderful.  Every day I wake up, the first thing I do in the morning is have sex.  And then I have some breakfast.  And then I take a little nap. Sex again. And then lunch. And then a nap. And then I have sex, snack, and then I take another little nap.  Sex, nap, food, wonderful!  And I do this seven days a week.”

“Jake, you’re so lucky.  Heaven must be wonderful.”

“Who’s in heaven? I’m in a bull in Montana.”


A man is walking through a cemetery when off in the distance he hears someone wailing, “Oy, why did you die, oy, why?”

As he walks closer, he sees the voice is coming from an elderly gentleman in a black yarmulke, praying at a grave-stone and repeating over and over again, “Oy, why did you die, why? Why did you die, why, why, why?”

The man goes up to the mourner and says, “Excuse me, sir, I don’t want to bother you in your time of grief, but the deceased must have been a very dear loved one.”

The mourner cries, “ No, I didn’t even know him.”

“You didn’t know him? Then who is it?”

The elderly gentleman replies in wails and tears, “It was my wife’s first husband! Why, oh why did you have to die?”


Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/17/2014


A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, drinks it and then looks in his pocket.  Orders another drink and then looks in his pocket again.

He does this three times and finally the bartender says, “Pardon me, but I’ve got to ask, What have you got in your pocket?”

The man says, “It’s a picture of my wife.  When she starts looking good, it’s time for me to go home.”

Two Minnesotan’s go into a bar and start buying drinks for everyone, slapping each other on the back and having a celebration whooping and hollering.  Somebody asks. “Why are you guys whooping it up so much? What’s the occasion?”

“Well,” one of them says, “We just finished putting together a jig saw puzzle and it only took 2 months.”

The bartender says,” A jig saw puzzle?  That shouldn’t take two months to finish!”

The Minnesotan says, “Oh yeah!  On the box it says two to four years!”

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

The string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” “That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.  “My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?” “I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?” “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an ‘F’ in sex”

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

‘What are you doing?”  She asked.

‘Hunting Flies’ He responded.

‘Oh. ! Kill any?’ She asked.

‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. ‘How can you tell them apart?’

He responded, 3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone

Ole and Lena went into McDonalds in Minnetonka.  Ole placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

Ole unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife, Lena.

Ole then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of Lena.

Ole took a sip of the drink, then Lena took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As Ole began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. Ole said, they were just fine, yah we are used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed that Lena hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time Lena ‘No, tank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the Ole finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to Lena, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked:  ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

Lena answered:  “The teeth.”

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar.

Ole says, “Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”

“Aw crap . . .,” says his friend Swen, “and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!”


After a visit to a local house of ill repute,a man notices green lumps on his manhood, so he goes to the doctors.

“That’s serious” says the doctor.  “You know how boxers and rugby players get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.

“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”


Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/01/2014


“Lexiphile” is a word used to describe those that have love for words, like:
you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish, or:


 To write with a broken pencil is . . pointless.
Thank you so much for doing this!
When fish are in schools, they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . .. . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in  Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name . . .  and a dress.
When you’ve seen one shopping center . . . you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be .  .  .  exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.


A boiled egg is. . . hard to beat.
Three Englishmen are getting wasted in a pub when they spot an Irishman sitting off in a corner.  For a little amusement one of the Englishmen approaches him.
“Did you know that St. Patrick was a sissy?”  he asks.
“Oh no, I dinnae know that.” the Irishman replies.  “Thank ye.”
The Englishman returns to his friends, complaining that he hadn’t gotten a rise out of the Irishman.  The second Englishman decides to try.
“Hey did you know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?” he asks.
“Oh no, i donna know that. Thank you for the information,”  the Irishman replies. 
The second man returns to his friends, amazed that he too, had not gotten to this guy.  The third man thinks he has the solution.
He approaches the Irishman and asks him: “did y’know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?”
Oh, no I hadn’t heard that but I believe that’s what y’r friends have been trying to tell me” 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/10/2014


Laws They Dont Teach in Physics  6-10


1.Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.


Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

Doctors’ Law If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.



The Tap Dancing Duck 6-10


 A guy walks into a bar and sees everyone crowded around a table, watching a little show.  On the table is an upside down pot with a duck tap dancing on it.

The man is impressed and announces that he is the owner of the Hamilton Brothers Circus and would like to buy the duck.
After some wheeling and dealing , the circus owner pays the bartender $10 000 for the duck.  Feeling generous, the bartender even throws in the pot.
The next day the circus owner storms back into the bar.  “Your duck is a ripoff!  I put him out there on a stage before a sold out audience and he just stood there.
The bartender responds with: That’s weird…or did you forget to light the candle under the pot?

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/27/2014


A drunk, man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plasteredwith red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened hisnewspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”, Then he returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said,nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father.I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

There were two elderly people living in Fort Meyers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, ‘Will you marry me?’

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered ‘Yes. Yes, I will!’

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. ‘Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?’

He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

Finally, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening.  As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, ‘When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?’

He was delighted to hear her say, ‘Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.’ Then she continued, ‘And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.’

For several months, Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park. One day Russ didn’t show up. Fred didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn’t know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and– lo and behold!–there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?’ Russ replied, ‘I have been in jail.’ ‘Jail!’ cried Fred. What in the world for?’ ‘Well,’ Russ said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’ ‘Yeah,’ said Fred, ‘I remember her. What about her? ‘Well, the little gold-digging figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’. ‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the fire fighter said with admiration. ‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon toher dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. ‘Little partner,’ the fire fighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’ The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’ The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up,’ says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’ The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/13/2014


Long Lasting Marriage Secrets

I have discovered the secrets to a long lasting marriage; here they are:

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/06/2014


The New Alphabet for SeniorsOld Alphabet :
A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won’t float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.Now The New Alphabet:
A’s for arthritis; B’s the bad back, C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line! F is for farting and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I’d rather not mention.H high blood pressure–I’d rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L ‘s for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next.. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow!P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new! Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know..W for worry, now what’s going ’round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y for another year I’m left here behind, Z is for zest I still have– in my mind!
I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,
And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed! 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/29/2014


An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrives at the casino. She seems a little intoxicated and bets twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice, and with an Irish brogue yells, “Come on, baby! Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. “You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?” “Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!” “Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?” “I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick, ”So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin …” Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. “Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.” “Are you sure?” “I’m fookin sure.” Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris. “Dat it is.” There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!” The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. “Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?” “Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga , Wyoming . He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.      After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, ‘If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?’      The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, ‘Nah, you go ahead.’      Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.      He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.      The old cowboy quietly says, ‘Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.’

Elderly couple texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her:

“I’m on the toilet.

Please advise.”

Retired Men’s Humor 04/22/2013


Two blonde men find three grenades and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: “what if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says, “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said, “close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.  The whole street was watching and laughing at you last night.”

To which the blonde man replied, “Well, the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even home last night.”

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.  It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.”  He spent two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the 911 operator.

“NO!” he shouts. “This is her husband!”

A blonde man’s dog is missing and he is frantic.  His wife said to him, “why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper?”  he puts the ad in the paper, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the ad,’ his wife asked.

“Here boy, here boy!”

A tourist asks a blond man who is a scuba diver, “Why do you scuba divers always fall backward off the boats to get into the water?”

To which the blonde man replies, “If we fell forward, we’d still be in the boat.”

Retired Men’s Humor  04/07/2013


American Bank sent this message to all of its customers quite a few years ago:

Please note that American Bank is installing new Drive-thru” automatic teller machines know as ATM’s.

To enable our valued customers to use this new convenient banking service, these are the simple procedures to follow to take advantage of these convenient machines.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e., MALE or FEMALE) AND REMEMBER THEM WHEN YOU USE THE MACHINES.


  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Wind down your car window.
  3. Insert ATM card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter the amount of cash you wish to withdraw..
  5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
  6. Wind up window.
  7. Drive off.


  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
  3. Re-start the stalled engine.
  4. Wind the window down.
  5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate ATM card.
  6. Turn the radio down.
  7. Attempt to insert the card into the machine.
  8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
  9. Insert card.
  1. Re-insert card the right way up.
  2. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  3. Enter PIN.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 03/04/2014


An old Italian man is dying.  Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.  He calls his grandson to his bedside.
“Guido, I wan’ you lissina me.  I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.  How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy.  Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.  Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up’ “?

I’m not saying we should kill all the stupid people…I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

Gone are the days when the girls cooked like their mother’s.  Now they drink like their father’s.

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by looking at their hands.  For instance, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably mad.

You know those “Do Not Disturb” signs you find in hotels.  Some days I wish I could wear one around my neck.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you see a beautiful woman?  That’s common sense leaving your body.

I don’t like making plans for the day, because then they the word “premeditated” gets thrown around the courtroom.

Because of this here meeting, I didn’t make it to the gym today.  That makes 5 years in a row.

I’m hate to be the one to break news to some wives and counsels, but technically according to chemistry, alcohol IS a solution.

I have to stop saying, “How stupid can you be”.  Too many people are taking that as a challenge.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.  But I really thought you already knew that.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 02/18/2014


The Bequests

Ole Olson is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. Gathered around his bed for his last moments on this earth are his wife, his daughter, his two sons, and his hospice nurse is there as well.

“So,” he whispers to them, “my oldest son, Sven, I want you to take the Minetonka houses.”

“My beloved daughter, Lena, you should take the apartments over in Edina.”

My second son, Ove, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin, and Grunhilda, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this.  As Ole slips away, she says, “Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been an amazing man to have accumulated all that property.”

“Property?!” Grunhilda replies. “The idiot had a paper route.”

The Brothers

A Scotsman walks into a bar and tells the bartender that he  will have three shots of their finest single malt scotch.

The bartender says, “A triple scotch, OK. Do you want that on the rocks?”

“No, laddie, three single shots of your finest single malt scotch.

The Scotsman drinks them down one at a time, pays, and leaves.

A month later, the Scotsman comes in again and again asks for the three shots of their finest single malt scotch, drinks them down one at a time and leaves.

Another month later, in the Scot comes again and orders the three shots.  This time the bartender could not control his curiosity and asks him why he comes in each month and orders the three shots.

“The Scot says, “Well, Laddie, I am one of three brothers and we made a pact that on the first Tuesday of every month at the same time, we would be together in spirit by drinking  one shot of the finest single malt scotch for each of us as a celebration of our brotherly love.”

Month after month, the Scotsman came into the same bar on the first Tuesday at the same time and drank his three shots.  As a matter of fact, it got to be such a routine that the bartender had the shots on the bar when he came in.

One Tuesday, the Scotsman came in and told the bartender to take one of the shots away.  “I cannot drink it; I’ll just have two today.”

The bartender said, “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry for your loss. Which of your brothers did you lose and how did it happen?”

“Oh no” said the Scotsman. “I can only have two today because I gave up drinking for lent.”

I’ve Had enough of Your Mother

Herman and Rose Ginsberg are in their retirement home down in Florida.  Herman calls his son, Irving, in New York. Irving says, “Dad, you never call; there’s something wrong isn’t there?  Dad, what’s wrong?”

Herman says, “I can’t take it anymore; I’m getting a divorce.!”

Irving says, “What! A divorce! Dad, you and Mom have been married for 53 years and now you’re telling me you’re going to divorce Mom. Dad, what is going on?  Tell me, what are you thinking.”

Herman says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And he’s adamant; he won’t say anything except “I don’t want to talk about it.”

The son says, “Dad, this is such a shock; I’ll have to call you back, but please don’t do anything until I get back to you.”

The son immediately calls his sister in Virginia and says, “Look, sis, I just got a call from Dad and he says he’s going to divorce Mom.  We can’t let that happen.  We have to stop it.  We’ve got to get down to Florida as soon as possible and talk him out of it?”  So you agree. Great!

He calls his father back and says, “Look, Dad, don’t do anything rash. Liz and I are going to come down there and talk to you face-to-face and show you the reasons why you shouldn’t do this.  What’s the best time to come?”

Dad says, “I told you I don’t want to talk about it, but if you insist on coming, come on Friday.”

Herman hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, “Good news, Rose.  The kids are coming for Passover and they’re paying their own way.”

The Second Time


Mr. and Mrs. Shapiro go to the doctor and, at the end, the doctor calls in Mrs. Shapiro.

The doctor says to her, “Mrs. Shapiro, you’re fine.  You’re husband’s fine.  There’s just one problem, your husband tells me that there’s a little problem with his sex life.  Just a little problem there.”

She says, “So, what’s the problem?”

“Well, he says, the first time it’s perfectly fine.  But the second time, he starts to perspire and sweat and is completely soaked afterward.  You understand that?”

She says, “Yeah. The first time’s in November; the second time’s July.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 02/04/2014

Senior tax return

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: “List all dependents?”

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;

535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.”

1 President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.


This guy and his redneck buddy go into a pastry shop.
The guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn’t notice.
He then says to the redneck, “You see how clever I am?
You rednecks can never beat that!”
The redneck says to his buddy, “Watch this. A Redneck is always smarter.”
He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick!”
The baker gives him the cookie which redneck promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.

Then he says again, “Give me one more cookie…”
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Redneck eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “And where is your famous magic trick?”
The redneck says, “Look in his pocket!”

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’

Liberal Paradise
“…A “Liberal Paradise” would be a place where everybody has
guaranteed employment, free comprehensive health care, free
education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities,
and only Law Enforcement has guns. And believe it or not, such a
place does indeed exist …… …It’s called prison.”

Whenever someone says to me, “You look familiar, where have I seen you before?”

I like to answer with, “Do you watch porn?”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 1/21/2014


These were for the week that was canceled due to cold weather.

And I was thinking, “I’ll remember 2013 like it was last month.”


Did you hear what the dyslexic State Highway Patrolman did on New Year’s?

He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.’s


A friend of mine volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On their first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

The woman thought about this for a while before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

*************************************************************************************A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ Said the bartender

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘Ten Cents,’ the bartender replied.

‘Ten Cents?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied, “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

Three Congressmen walk into the same bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve Congressmen here.”

The Congressmen say, “That’s OK. We don’t serve you either.”


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion last summer.  She kept staring at a drunken man, slugging down drink after drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes” she sighed, “He’s my old high school boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago.  And I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My Gosh!”  I said, “Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Then the fight started.


Dr. Doolittle was working with his honeybees late one spring day

and he began to worry that the unusually hot weather might be making

the bees uncomfortable.  He worried that they might in fact leave his hive to seek more comfortable quarters.

He peeked into the top of the hive and asked the queen bee, “What’s the temperature like in there?”

The queen bee responded, “Swarm.”


I am going to try and end each of my joke sessions with a pun.

That last joke was a pun, and you know, it’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 1/14/2014


Yesterday I was at the Petco store buying a large bag of dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog.  I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had an elephant?
So I told her no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Chow Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Dog Chow and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked, if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned you, why would I do it again?
I told her no it didn’t poison me, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded with rolls of sod.

“I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced the 1st blonde.

“Do what?’ the 2nd blonde asked.

“Send my lawn out to be mowed.”

A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning.

It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy.  He told the preacher that he would attend his church if the preacher would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation.  The preacher agreed and drank the brandy.

Sunday morning, the man visited the church.  The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said, “I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning.  I went to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given.”

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.  “Give me your money,” he demanded.

The man replies, ”You can’t do this!  I’m a United States Congressman!”

The mugger replied, “In that case, give me my money.”

A woman tells her husband, “There’s trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor.”

The husband replies, “Water in the carburetor?  That’s ridiculous.”

The woman assures him, “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

To that the husband says, “You don’t even know what a carburetor is.  I’ll check it out.  Where’s the car?”

The woman replies, “In the swimming pool.”

O’Malley was arrested and sent for trial on armed bank robbery.

After a long deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, “Not guilty.”

“That’s great!” shouted O’Malley.  “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 12/10/2013


During the French Revolution the guillotine is invented and condemned persons were subjected to its mercy.
One morning three prisoners were taken from the dungeons to begin the day of executions.  The first man, an artist, was led to the guillotine machine and the lever was pulled and nothing happened.  “An act of God declared the executioner.”  “He is free to go”
The second man, a farmer, was placed in the machine and again, nothing happened when the lever was pulled.  The executioner again declared “an act of God, he is free to go”
The third man, an engineer, is led to his place in the guillotine.  As he kneels down he happens to glance up and yells “stop, I see the problem!”

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous

and give the wrong answers. — A Bit of Fry and Laurie
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.
Slogan of FM105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of all the radio stations in Chicago… we’re one of them.”
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little  speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:   “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’ wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people”.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make  the presentation and gave his talk:   “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived”, said the politician. “In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 12/3/2013


Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineering student replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind
firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year so we always let them play for free anytime!.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?  Mechanical engineers build weapons.  Civil engineers build targets

Understanding Engineers #5

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 11/26/2013


The Czech Hunters

A couple of hunters from Prague, Czechoslovakia are out hunting, and an enormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters. Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly. The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc. Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear that’s closest to them. “No, not that one,” shouts the surviving hunter, “That’s the female. The Czech is in the male.”

The Talkative Hunter

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, “Did you see that?””No,”says  the second guy .”Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,” the first guy says. “Oh,” says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, “Did you see that?””See what?” the second guy asks. “Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.””Oh”, says the second guy.”A few minutes later the first guy says: “Did you see that?”By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, “Yes, I did!”And the first guy says: “Then why did you step in it?”

Ole and Sven get lost

One day Ollie and SVEN were Deer Hunting, and they got lost.  Ollie tells Sven “wait, don’t panic I learned what to do in case this happens.  You’re supposed to shoot up into the air three times and someone will hear you and come with help,” “Okay” said Sven.  So he shoots three times into the air.  They both wait an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot three times again and still no one shows up. Bewildered they try this again and again for the next couple of hours.  Sven starts to look a little worried and says to Ollie, “It better work this time, were down to our last three arrows!”


Ole and Sven Shoot  6 deer

Ollie and Sven got a pilot to fly them into the far north for deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your deer, you will have to leave two behind.” They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage,  looking around, Ollie said, “Sven. Do you have any idea of where we are?” “I think so,” said Sven. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 11/19/2013


When you’re raised in the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. “

Is your dad or mom home?” asked the farmer.

“No, they went to town” said the boy.

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?” asked the farmer.

“No, he went with Mom and Dad” the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message” said the boy.

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad.   It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment…  “You would have to talk to Dad about that.   I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”


Bill and I were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

I replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’


A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but how they got into the light bulb beats me.

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

A nurse named Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. ‘Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace.

‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Tracy, the nurse in the hallway. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’

‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.’

‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy , ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’

Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/29/2013


“This hotel stinks!” a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. “What’s wrong?” The hotel clerk asked.

“I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!” The clerk apologized for the noise and checked him out.

A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, the clerk made the mistake of asking how their stay was.                                               “Terrible!” they said. “The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!”


Remember, every woman is a beautiful, gorgeous and sexy living being. It just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.


At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…”Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was almost crushed to death.


In time for Halloween

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe….as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.

Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor however; come in, and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife into the mansion.

An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.  Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master!…..The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”


In time for next Sunday

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his privates with black shoe polish.

I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/08//2013


Ole and Sven were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,’ said Sven, ‘but we don’t have a ladder.

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, ‘Eighteen feet, six inches, and walked away.

Ole shook his head, laughed and said to Sven,  “Ain’t that just like a woman!  We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”


Swen says to Ole – I’m ready for a vacation, only this year I’m going

to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Norway and Lena got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Lena got pregnant.

Last year I went to England and Lena got pregnant.

Swen asks – So what are you going to do this year?

Ole replies, – I tink I’ll take her with me!

Ole says to Lena, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”….

Ole says, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th


Ole and Swen find three hand grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Swen says,”What if one explodes before we get there?”

Ole: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”


Ole goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I tink it’s got epilepsy”

he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to


Ole says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

Ole spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO


Ole spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to

pick the bloody thing up.


Ole shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her

contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No”, shouts Ole, “this is her husband!”

Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”…the woman asked her husband.

“No”…said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse…and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra…and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her …and smiled approvingly.

“Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?”… she then asked her husband?

“No, I haven’t” …he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill… and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now” …she said. “Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?”

“No, never” …he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused… and excited).

“Well, go and look in the garage!”…she said.


Four surgeons were discussing what persons from certain occupations were the easiest to do surgery on.

The first surgeon said, “Teachers are the easiest to perform surgery on since everything is alphabetized….So you just connect Part A, B, C and so forth.

The second surgeon said, “No, accountants are the easiest… Everything in numbered: 1, 2, 3, 4 and so on.   Just connect the numbers.”

The third surgeon said, “You’re both wrong the easiest person to perform surgery on is an electrician.   Everything inside is color coded.  All you have to is connect the red part to the other red part, the black part to black, white to white, green to green, etc.”

The fourth surgeon said, “Well, You all are wrong.   Politicians are the easiest to do surgery on.”   They don’t have a spine or a backbone, and their ass and brain are interchangeable.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 09/03/2013

The counselor asked me if I ever look at my wife when I’m making love. I said, “I did once and she had an angry look on her face”. He asked, “Why angry?” I said, “Because she was watching me from outside the window”.

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; as you can see, we’re joined side by side at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”
    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, boys”?
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, theculture…”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John.  “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

Did you ever notice when a woman says, “What” it isn’t that she didn’t hear you, it’s because she’s giving you a second chance.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, this guy meets a man with a beard. ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he asks. No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.’ Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’ ‘Why no,’ he answers, ‘I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.’
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.
He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’
‘No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.’
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! he can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.
Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
‘Are you Mohammed?’ he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. ‘No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?’
He says, ‘Yes please!’  As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: “Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!”

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads
for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks …
“Honey, I’ve been thinking … now that we are married, I think it’s time you quit hunting, golfing, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat, and golf clubs.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t.”

I told my wife, “If I say I’m going to fix something, I’m going to fix it.  She doesn’t have to remind me every 6 months.”

It’s funny when my wife gives me the silent treatment.  She thinks it’s a punishment.

If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I don’t think I would want to.  I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I’m annoying.

They say men don’t have feelings.  Well, I’m here to tell you that’s not true.  For example right now I feel hungry.

Hello, is this the Police?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
The phone rings at Billy’s house: “Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Merry Christmas, Buddy”

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawn’s in his eyes and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the BaptistChurch and I had to quit drinking.”  “It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either!”

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’

Retired Men’s Club Humor 08/30/2013


I had gym experience recently.  My wife decided that it would be a good idea if I went to the gym with her.  She goes to the gym every day.  I always make cracks about her “going to the gym” Oh sure.  So she tells me that I can do her workout with her just to prove that she actually does work out.

She figures that I’m a guy.  I’ve spent a good part of my life lifting stuff and I’ve always said, “ Hon, I’ll do that; it’s much too heavy for you and I don’t want you getting hurt.”

Could you let your wife lift more weight than you?  No!  She showed me how to use all these machines, she picks one and  says, “OK,  you’ve got to do 15 curls. She does 15 to show me how its done, and I remember how to do it , so I do 15, and then I get off the machine , she gets on, but before she gets on, she adds weight to the thing.  Now she does another 15, Effortlessly!  So being a guy, I do 15 while trying to look like its nothing, but I’m dying now. She then  does another set of 15 with even more weight.  My body , you know, the whole body feels like it had been run over by a truck. I felt like that for 5 days afterwards. I used two tubes of Ben Gay – I was rubbing it on my eyes because my eyes even hurt. My hair even hurt.  Everything hurt. It almost killed me.  My pride kept me from saying Uncle.

I swore that I’d never go back there again. And I’m never going to say one single thing about where or when my wife goes anywhere again, or she might just make me go along again.


But for my birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.

I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya who said she’s a 26 year old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.  My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

It was suggested that it would be a good idea to keep an exercise diary to chart my progress.


Started the morning at 6:30 A/M.  Tough to get up but worth it when I arrived at the health club where Tanya was waiting for me.  She’s something of a goddess with blonde hair and dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.  She seemed a little alarmed  that it was so high,  but I think just standing next to her in that body sculpting outfit must have added about ten points to it.

I really enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging.  I did my sit-ups, but my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her.


It took a whole pot of coffee to get me out of the door, but I made it.  Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air, then she put weights on it, for god’s sake.  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile.  Her smile made it all worthwhile.


The only way I could brush my teeth was by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I’m sure I’ve developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagon at the club.  Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members.


Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth and full snarl. I couldn’t help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that long just to tie my shoes.  She wanted me to lift dumbbells –  not a chance, Tanya!  …The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason  dumbbells – my aching butt!…  I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars in to get me.  As punishment she made me try the rowing machine.  It sank!


I hate Tanya more than any human being on the planet.  If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it.  Let my stomach hang out as far as possible in hopes that she would write me off as a disaster and resign, but the witch didn’t. She pushed me onto the treadmill and hit the “Go” button.  Feet wouldn’t move – just stood there and at 4 ½ miles per hour,  my whole body shot off the back of the belt and slammed into some old woman doing sit-ups and sent her false teeth flying onto the running track. Crunch! Crunch!  I didn’t think an old bitty could gum such fowl language and hit so hard.  Must be Tanya’s grandmother!


I hear Tanya’s message on my answering machine wondering where I am. Says she’s sending Lars the gym Nazi to get me if I’m not there in 15 minutes. I lack the strength to even pick up the cell phone to call in my resignation. Lars carries me into the gym where the terrorist Tanya is waiting with her goulish smile.  I hear screamingI watch eleven straight hours of the weather channel.


The nurse tells me somebody called 911 from the gym because of the screaming – something about  kidnapping and torture. She says she’s not my nurse, she’s from physical therapy, I say she looks familiar.  She says I might know her sister, Tanya who is a personal trainer.  More screaming!!

Well, that’s the week.  Thank god it’s over.  Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun like a gift certificate for a root canal.

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/30/2013

Lena and Ole Jokes – II

Ole and Lena jokes are Norwegian jokes, which are similar to Polish jokes only they are Norwegian.

So a Norwegian joke goes like this… Once there was a Norwegian that took his wife with him wherever he went just so he didn’t have to kiss her goodbye.


Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, “How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?”

“Just a minute,” said the busy clerk.

“Vell, said Lena, “If it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll just take da bus.”


Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, “Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!”


Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:  ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Oslo.

The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD !’

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.  While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’

Ole, sitting in the plane yelled out: “Vat da Hey now, you should see da back of mine”


The Michigan judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged Ole with non-support.

The judge said to Ole, “I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.”

“Vell, dat’s fine, Judge,” said Ole. “And vunce in a while I’ll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.”


Lena and Ole lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota .

It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across the lake, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake.

Ven she got home and gave Ole his beer, she asked him, “Ole, How come you normally tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

So Ole and Lena were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.  After a while all the guest had left and then Lena punches Ole in the arm and says, “That’s for 25 years of bad sex.”

A moment later Ole punches Lena in the shoulder and said “That’s for knowing the difference.”


Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said Ole, “I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.”

“How come,” asked Lars?

“Vell,” Ole answered, “because vith a clarinet she can’t sing.”


Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.

While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, “Are you a pole vaulter?”

Ole said, “No, I’m Norvegian and my name isn’t Valter.”

So Sven and Ole go on a fishing trip up in Canada.  They only catch three fish.  Swens says to Ole…”The way I figure it, each of them three fish cost us $400.00.”

“Well, at that price”, says Ole, “It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of dem than we did.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/23/2013


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.  Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.  We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.  

We went up to him and said, "how about giving a senior citizen a break?"    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.  So my wife called him a s...-head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote...  Personally, we didn't care.  We came into town by bus and saw the car had a Bears sticker.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired...  It's important at our age.


Living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room one evening and he said to her:

“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.



By following some simple advice I read in a magazine article, I finally found inner peace …….. the article read: “To achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started.”

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished . . . and before leaving the house this morning . . .  .

I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey’s, Kalua, and Wild Turkey, ¼ keg of LaBatts blue, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and the rest of a box of chocolates. . . .you have no idea how doggone good I feel.



A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to the priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do mean, almost?”

The Irish man said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You’re not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box.”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.”



A fellow walking into the store and said to the clerk, “I’d like 3 lbs. of Polish sausage.”

The clerk said, “Are you Polish, sir?”

The indignant man said, “I come in here and ask for Polish sausage and you ask me if I’m Polish!  If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask if I’m Italian? If I asked for bratwurst, would you ask if I was German?  If I asked for kosher wieners, would you ask if I was a Jew?

I’ll bet if I walked in her and asked for some Irish whiskey, you wouldn’t ask me if I was Irish, so why would you ask if I’m Polish just because I asked for 3 lbs. of Polish sausage?

“Because, Sir, this is a Home Depot!”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/16/2013

A Man Walks Into A Bar Jokes

 A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender.  “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.”    He finishes the drink and says again, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.”   Drinks that and says again, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.”   Finally the bartender says, “When this trouble gonna start?”  And the man says, “The trouble starts as soon as you realize that I don’t have any money.”


A cowboy walks into a bar.  His shirt and vest are made of wax paper, his hat is made of brown wrapping paper, even his boots and chaps are made of paper and the spurs are made of tissue paper.    Pretty soon they arrested him rustling.


A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”


A naked man walks into a bar with just a pair of battery jumper cables around his neck.   He says to the bartender, “Give me a beer.”  The bartender says. “Okay, but you better not start anything!”


A man walked into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender said, “Yes, we do!” “Good,” replied the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.


A font walks into a bar…the bartender says “We don’t serve your type here.


A golf club walks into a bar and asks for a whisky. The barman refuses to serve him. “Why?” asks the golf club. And the barman says, “Because I know you’re going to be driving later!”

A dyslectic walked into a bra.


A man walks into a bar and there’s a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.  They start sharing a drink together and started talking.  She leans over and says “I want you to make me feel like a real woman.”

So he takes off his jacket and says, “I need this ironed.”

A tourist walks into a bar and sees a dog sitting in a chair playing poker with a couple of guys.  The tourist then asks the bartender, “Is that dog really playing poker?”

The bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not very good.  Every time he gets a good hand he starts wagging his tail.


An old man and his wife walk into a bar.  Immediately, the old man goes over to a group of young woman and starts talking to them.   The bartender asks the wife, “Doesn’t that bother you that your husband is always making passes at the young women around here?

And she says, “Not really, Just because dogs chase cars doesn’t mean they know how to drive.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/25/2013

-An elderly gentleman was strolling through the park when he happended upon a young boy sitting on a bench eating a box of candy bars.  “Young man,” said the elder, “You shouldn’t be eating so many candy bars; you’ll get sick.”

The young boy looked up from his candy, “My grandfather lived to be a hundred-and-three years old.”

The old man was interested, “Oh yeah, and he ate a lot of candy bars?”  The boy replied, “No, he minded his own damned business.”

-Another old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.  A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.  He had spiked hair of all different colors – green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.  The old man just stared.

The young man said, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.  I was just wondering if you were my son.”


I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and had decided to get married.  There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was my girlfriend’s beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my girlfriend’s “little sister” called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.  She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.  She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want that one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door.  I opened the door and headed straight for my car.  Lo and Behold!  My entire future family was standing outside clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family!

And the moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/11/2013

Mother walks into her son’s bedroom one Sunday morning and says, “Son, wake up. It’s Sunday morning and time to go to church.”

The son just groaned and turned over.

“Son, get up! It’s time and you don’t want to be late.”

Son: “Mom, I’m not going to church today.”

Mom: “Oh yes you are, now get your butt out of bed.”

Son: “I AM NOT GOING TO CHURCH and I’ll give you two reasons why I’m not going; One – they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

Mom says, “Yes you are going to church and I’ll give YOU  two reasons why: One, you’re forty years old, and Two, you’re the pastor!”

On some air bases the Air force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference.  If it’s an American Airlines flight, its 3 o-clock.  If it’s an Air Force plane, its 1500 hours.  If it’s a Navy aircraft, it’s 6 bells.  If it’s an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.  If it’s a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”

“Well, snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered Seaman.  I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again.”



A pastor who had a drinking problem went to a hypnotist and was cured.  Every time he was offered a drink, he would just automatically turn his back and walk away.  And he wouldn’t even remember the incident. In thinking about it, hewondered if he could use that technique on his congregation.

So the next Sunday when preaching, he took out a pocket watch and gently swung it back and forth on its gold chain for a few minutes. He ended his sermon with the words, “Five dollars,

After the service, he checked the collection basket and found it was filled with five dollar bills.

So he repeated the exercise the next Sunday, swinging the gold watch on its chain, he just said “ten dollars.”  And sure enough, after the service the basket was full of ten dollar bills.

So the next Sunday, he decided to go for twenty dollar bills and as he was swinging the watch, it slipped out of his hand and crashed to the floor in pieces as he exclaimed, “Oh, CRAP!”

A pair of Irish ditch-diggers were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they saw a Protestant Minister lurking about and ducking into the house.

Would ya look at that, Darby” said Paddy.  “What a shameful disgrace, those protestant Reverends sinning in a house the like of that place.”  They both shook their heads in disgust and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied on him.

“Did ya see that, Darby?” Paddy asked in shock and disbelief.  “Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?  I just can’t understand what the world is coming to these days.  A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh.  “Tis a shame, I tell ya!”

A little while later they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if anyone was watching, and then sneaking in the door.

“Oh no, Darby, look!” said Paddy, removing his cap.  “One of the poor girls musta died.”


In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped the skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the first step onto the bus only to discover that she could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.  And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust, she could not raise her leg high enough because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the bus driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the bus line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.  Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him “How dare you touch my body!!! I don’t even know who you are.”

At this, the Texan drawled, “ Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/14/2013

Blonde Story

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to–do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  “Well, you can paint my porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

After looking about, the blonde responded, “How about $100?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials she would need were in the garage.  From inside the house the man’s wife heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should; she was standing on it.  Do you think she’s dumb?”

“No, I guess I’m guilty of being influenced by all the ‘dumb blonde’ email jokes we’ve been getting.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the husband asked.  “Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his picket for the $100 and handed it to her.

“And by the way, “the blonde added, “ it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

He said – she said

He: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you don’t have anything to put in it.

She: You wear briefs, don’t you.

She:  What do mean by coming home half drunk?

He:   It’s not my fault, I ran out of money.

He:  Since I first met you I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She:  Well, you’ve succeeded!

He:  Should we try a different position tonight?

She: That’s a good idea.  You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the couch.”

Priest: I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.

She:   Who’s gonna look?

He:  What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He:  Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

She: Okay, but if you get home before me, leave the hallway light on.

He:  Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She: I would but you’re never there.

The Cheating Wife

A man returning home from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to catch her in the act.

For $100 the cabby agreed to be a witness.  Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.  The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

When the husband pulled out a gun, put it to the man’s head, his wife shouted, “Don’t do it!  This man has been very generous.  Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you?  He did!  Who do you think paid for the new cabin cruiser?  He did!  Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?  He does!”

The husband looked over at the cab driver and asked, “What would you do in a case like this?”  The cabby said, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.”

The Magic Frog

The 78 year old man loved to fish.  He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked around and could not see anyone.  He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again say, “Pick me up.”  He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”  The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you.  Pick me up and kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have ever dreamed of.”

The man looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front breast picket.

Then the frog said, “Are you nuts, didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.”  The man opened his picket, looked at the frog and said, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

The Fight

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.  His arm in a sling, his nose broken, his face cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little crapper, O’Connor?” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you; he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “A shovel is what he had and a terrible lickin he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean, “You should have defended yourself, didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy.  “Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but totally useless in a fight.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/07/2013

“I’m doing what I can”, said the doctor, “but I can’t make you any younger.” “I don’t want to get younger”, said the patient, “I just want to get older.”

A guy calls the hospital. He says. “You gotta help me…my wife’s going into labor.” The nurse says, “Is this her first child?” “No,” he says. “This is her husband.”

A man was stopped by a game warden in Upper Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch these fish?” The man replied to the warden, “No sir, these are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?” the warden replied. “Yes sir, every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home.” “That’s a bunch of hooey? Fish can’t do that!” The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you, it really works.” “Ok, I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well.” “Well, what?” the man responded. “When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted. “Call who back?” asked the fisherman. “The FISH!” “What fish?”  the man asked!

Golf Jokes

Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, ‘What the hell is taking so long?’

‘My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,’ Jim explained. ‘I want to make a perfect shot.’

“Don’t be silly,” his companion said, ‘You don’t have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.’


A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.  He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.  Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, “Are you a good golfer?”  to which the man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”


A 70 year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.  He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn’t anybody he could play because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.  Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.

The 70 year old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been play quite well.  The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”

And he did play well.  Coming to the par four 18th they were even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.  The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.  Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!  Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trop where his opponent was still standing in the trap.  He said, “Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps.!

“I do,” replied the old man.  “Can you give me a hand?”


Roger and Charlie emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first hole, but Roger looked distracted.

“Anything the matter?” Charlie asked.

“Na, it’s just that I can’t stand the club pro,” Roger replied. “He’s just been trying to correct my stance.”

Well, he’s only trying to help your game,” Charlie soothed.

“Yeah, Roger says, but I was using the urinal at the time.”


Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said. “Hey, guess what?!   I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”

The second golfer replies, “Great trade!”


The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”

He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/23/2013

Ed always wanted to fly in a helicopter, but Norma always replied,
“I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! “

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,
“Norma, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”

Norma replied, “Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

The helicopter pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!

But if you say one word, It will be fifty dollars each.”

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word…

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.   I’m really impressed! “

Ed replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out.

But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! “

A Man goes into see his doctor.

Patient says: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I’m Donald Duck and on other mornings I think I’m Mickey Mouse.”

Doctor says:  “Hmmmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?”

There were three men on a hill and each one had a watch.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man, “How did you do that.

The third man said, “Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!”

*************************************************************************************An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no Mercedes in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But…. The decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife. “Oh, that’s his mistress,” says her husband. “Ours is prettier,” she replies.


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

”Yes ma’am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. ”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/16/2013

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river.  He proceeds to walk down into the water and stands next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”  The drunk looks around and says, “Yess, Preacher . . I shurr am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.  “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.  “Nooo, I didn’t!”said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, ”Now brother, have you found Jesus/”  “Noooo, I did not Reverrrrend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My good man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher . . .”Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives.  To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and hides it.  “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?  The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he has only one eye.”

The policeman says, “ Well . .  uh..that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the same picture at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he has only one ear.”  The policeman angrily responds, “For God’s sake.  What’s the matter with you two?  Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING  because it’s a picture of his profile!  Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “Now,  think hard before giving me a stupid answer.  This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”  The third blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm,  the suspect wears contact lenses   “

The policeman is shocked and says, “Wow, I can’t believe it …it’s TRUE.  The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.  Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the third blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.  She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.  The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.  The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out.  The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.  An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the rolls into the bank’s underground parking garage.  Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the $15.41 interest.  The loan officer says, “Miss, we are happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a bit puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”  The blonde replies, “where else in New York City could I safely park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 ?”

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks with the sweetest little lisp, “Escuthe me mither, do you have widdle wabbits?”  The shop keeper gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft and furwy wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwon wabby over there/”  The little girl, in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, “I don’t fink my pyfon gives a thit!”

A woman walks into the kitchen and finds her husband stalking around the room with a fly swatter.  “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies” was his response.  “Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males and 2 females” was his reply.

“Now, how exactly can you tell that?” she asked.

He answered, “3 were on a beer can and 2on the telephone.”

Men’s Club Jokes 3/5/13


Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.


The young son said to his dad: “Is this true, Dad?  I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn’t  know his wife until he marries her?

Dad replies with a sigh: “That happens in most countries, son.”


Q: What is the one thing that Married men miss most about not being single?

A: Sex !


At dinner my wife said: “The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” To which I replied: “Oh? And what is this?”


Old is when you don’t care where your wife goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same

sleeping room on a Trans-Continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….”Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket, I’m awfully cold?”

“I have a better idea, she replied, just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow!…..That’s a great idea he exclaimed!”

“Good, she replied……..”Get your own damn blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted…


After thirty five years of marriage, a husband & his wife went to counseling.  When asked by the therapist  what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved & unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk & after asking the wife to stand, he embraced & kissed her long & passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow…!!

The woman shut up & quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays, but on FRIDAYS…I …Go FISHing! !

                             A Heavenly Conversation!

Hi! Wanda.

Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

I froze to death.

How horrible!

It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

So, what happened?

I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer —we’d both still be alive.

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”


Couple of Irish jokes for St. Pats Day

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s extremely unhappy and discouraged.

His wife says: “Why don’t you put an advertisement in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

“Here boy” he replies.

Paddy’s in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his


“What the hell you doing?” he asks.

“I’m hanging myself” Paddy replies.

“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.

“I know” said Paddy “but I couldn’t breathe”.

Retired Men’s Club Jokes – February 5, 2013

Always tell the truth…or should you?      My Favorite Animal.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried Chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she could have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PITA.

He said they love animals very much. I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office.

He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

The Grizzly Bear

A man was walking alone in the woods when he heard a noise behind him. As he looked, he saw a huge grizzly bear right on his tail. He started running faster, but the bear kept getting closer. He said, “God help me.” A voice from the sky answered “You denied me all your life, and now you ask for help”?  Yes…I now believe there is a God who can help me…if you can make me a Christian, can you make the bear a Christian? Suddenly, the forest became quiet, the bear had gotten down on his knees behind the man and had his paws folded as to say a prayer. What the man heard was, “Thank you Lord for this food I am about to receive from thy bountiful goodness. Amen”.

Car Keys….A Woman’s Viewpoint…

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA patdown.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly, I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Hi honey.” I stammered, (I always call him honey in times like these) “I love you.”

I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

Are you kidding me”, he barked, “I dropped you off”  !!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn’t steal  your car.”

Yep, it’s the golden years…….

Retired Men’s Club Humor 1/22/13

After A First Date with bothparties splitting the cost of dinner and a movie, the young man was rebuffed at the door by his date. “Since we’ve gone Dutch on everything else,” she said, “you can just kiss yourself goodnight.”

A man who had spent several years working in retail joined the police force. A few months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job. “The pay is good and the hours are OK.” he replied, “but what I really like is that the customer is always wrong.”

Shampoo Warning

I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.” No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.” Problem solved!

The local TV station’s weather desk received a postcard: “I thought you would be interested to know that I just finished shoveling 3 feet of partly cloudy from my front steps.”

1/15/13  Green Bay Area Retired Men’s Club Humor

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end
of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket
towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”

An elderly couple, were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time… but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

Mule Trading

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

A Talkative Public Bathroom

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.  I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall….

–          “Hi there, how is it going?”

Okay, I’m not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn’t know what to say so I finally say:

–          “Not bad….”

Then the voice says:

–          “So, what are you doing?”

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

–          “Well, I’m going back to Colorado…”

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

–          “Look, I’ll call you back, every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me.”


911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the dispatch asked.

“No you idiot!” the man shouted.

“This is her husband!”


Humorous Stories Told by our Retired Men’s Club Members (12/11/2012)