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Retired Men’s Club Humor 03/04/2013

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An old Italian man is dying.  Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.  He calls his grandson to his bedside.
“Guido, I wan’ you lissina me.  I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.  How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy.  Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.  Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up’ “?

 

I’m not saying we should kill all the stupid people…I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

 

Gone are the days when the girls cooked like their mother’s.  Now they drink like their father’s.

 

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by looking at their hands.  For instance, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably mad.

 

You know those “Do Not Disturb” signs you find in hotels.  Some days I wish I could wear one around my neck.

 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you see a beautiful woman?  That’s common sense leaving your body.

 

I don’t like making plans for the day, because then they the word “premeditated” gets thrown around the courtroom.

 

Because of this here meeting, I didn’t make it to the gym today.  That makes 5 years in a row.

 

I’m hate to be the one to break news to some wives and counsels, but technically according to chemistry, alcohol IS a solution.

 

I have to stop saying, “How stupid can you be”.  Too many people are taking that as a challenge.

 

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.  But I really thought you already knew that.

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 02/18/2013

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The Bequests

Ole Olson is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. Gathered around his bed for his last moments on this earth are his wife, his daughter, his two sons, and his hospice nurse is there as well.

“So,” he whispers to them, “my oldest son, Sven, I want you to take the Minetonka houses.”

“My beloved daughter, Lena, you should take the apartments over in Edina.”

My second son, Ove, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin, and Grunhilda, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this.  As Ole slips away, she says, “Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been an amazing man to have accumulated all that property.”

“Property?!” Grunhilda replies. “The idiot had a paper route.”

 

The Brothers

A Scotsman walks into a bar and tells the bartender that he  will have three shots of their finest single malt scotch.

The bartender says, “A triple scotch, OK. Do you want that on the rocks?”

“No, laddie, three single shots of your finest single malt scotch.

The Scotsman drinks them down one at a time, pays, and leaves.

A month later, the Scotsman comes in again and again asks for the three shots of their finest single malt scotch, drinks them down one at a time and leaves.

Another month later, in the Scot comes again and orders the three shots.  This time the bartender could not control his curiosity and asks him why he comes in each month and orders the three shots.

“The Scot says, “Well, Laddie, I am one of three brothers and we made a pact that on the first Tuesday of every month at the same time, we would be together in spirit by drinking  one shot of the finest single malt scotch for each of us as a celebration of our brotherly love.”

Month after month, the Scotsman came into the same bar on the first Tuesday at the same time and drank his three shots.  As a matter of fact, it got to be such a routine that the bartender had the shots on the bar when he came in.

One Tuesday, the Scotsman came in and told the bartender to take one of the shots away.  “I cannot drink it; I’ll just have two today.”

The bartender said, “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry for your loss. Which of your brothers did you lose and how did it happen?”

“Oh no” said the Scotsman. “I can only have two today because I gave up drinking for lent.”

I’ve Had enough of Your Mother

Herman and Rose Ginsberg are in their retirement home down in Florida.  Herman calls his son, Irving, in New York. Irving says, “Dad, you never call; there’s something wrong isn’t there?  Dad, what’s wrong?”

Herman says, “I can’t take it anymore; I’m getting a divorce.!”

Irving says, “What! A divorce! Dad, you and Mom have been married for 53 years and now you’re telling me you’re going to divorce Mom. Dad, what is going on?  Tell me, what are you thinking.”

Herman says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And he’s adamant; he won’t say anything except “I don’t want to talk about it.”

The son says, “Dad, this is such a shock; I’ll have to call you back, but please don’t do anything until I get back to you.”

The son immediately calls his sister in Virginia and says, “Look, sis, I just got a call from Dad and he says he’s going to divorce Mom.  We can’t let that happen.  We have to stop it.  We’ve got to get down to Florida as soon as possible and talk him out of it?”  So you agree. Great!

He calls his father back and says, “Look, Dad, don’t do anything rash. Liz and I are going to come down there and talk to you face-to-face and show you the reasons why you shouldn’t do this.  What’s the best time to come?”

Dad says, “I told you I don’t want to talk about it, but if you insist on coming, come on Friday.”

Herman hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, “Good news, Rose.  The kids are coming for Passover and they’re paying their own way.”

 

The Second Time

 

Mr. and Mrs. Shapiro go to the doctor and, at the end, the doctor calls in Mrs. Shapiro.

The doctor says to her, “Mrs. Shapiro, you’re fine.  You’re husband’s fine.  There’s just one problem, your husband tells me that there’s a little problem with his sex life.  Just a little problem there.”

She says, “So, what’s the problem?”

“Well, he says, the first time it’s perfectly fine.  But the second time, he starts to perspire and sweat and is completely soaked afterward.  You understand that?”

She says, “Yeah. The first time’s in November; the second time’s July.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 02/04/2013

Senior tax return

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: “List all dependents?”

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;

535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.”

1 President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

 

This guy and his redneck buddy go into a pastry shop.
The guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn’t notice.
He then says to the redneck, “You see how clever I am?
You rednecks can never beat that!”
The redneck says to his buddy, “Watch this. A Redneck is always smarter.”
He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick!”
The baker gives him the cookie which redneck promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.

Then he says again, “Give me one more cookie…”
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Redneck eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “And where is your famous magic trick?”
The redneck says, “Look in his pocket!”

 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’

 

Liberal Paradise
“…A “Liberal Paradise” would be a place where everybody has
guaranteed employment, free comprehensive health care, free
education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities,
and only Law Enforcement has guns. And believe it or not, such a
place does indeed exist …… …It’s called prison.”

 

Whenever someone says to me, “You look familiar, where have I seen you before?”

I like to answer with, “Do you watch porn?”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 1/21/2013

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These were for the week that was canceled due to cold weather.

And I was thinking, “I’ll remember 2013 like it was last month.”

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Did you hear what the dyslexic State Highway Patrolman did on New Year’s?

He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.’s

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A friend of mine volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On their first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

The woman thought about this for a while before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

*************************************************************************************A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ Said the bartender

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘Ten Cents,’ the bartender replied.

‘Ten Cents?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied, “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

 

Three Congressmen walk into the same bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve Congressmen here.”

The Congressmen say, “That’s OK. We don’t serve you either.”

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion last summer.  She kept staring at a drunken man, slugging down drink after drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes” she sighed, “He’s my old high school boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago.  And I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My Gosh!”  I said, “Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?”

Then the fight started.

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Dr. Doolittle was working with his honeybees late one spring day

and he began to worry that the unusually hot weather might be making

the bees uncomfortable.  He worried that they might in fact leave his hive to seek more comfortable quarters.

He peeked into the top of the hive and asked the queen bee, “What’s the temperature like in there?”

The queen bee responded, “Swarm.”

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I am going to try and end each of my joke sessions with a pun.

That last joke was a pun, and you know, it’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 1/14/2013

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Yesterday I was at the Petco store buying a large bag of dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog.  I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had an elephant?
So I told her no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Chow Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Dog Chow and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked, if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned you, why would I do it again?
I told her no it didn’t poison me, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

 

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded with rolls of sod.

“I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced the 1st blonde.

“Do what?’ the 2nd blonde asked.

“Send my lawn out to be mowed.”

 

A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning.

It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy.  He told the preacher that he would attend his church if the preacher would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation.  The preacher agreed and drank the brandy.

Sunday morning, the man visited the church.  The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said, “I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning.  I went to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given.”

 

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.  “Give me your money,” he demanded.

The man replies, ”You can’t do this!  I’m a United States Congressman!”

The mugger replied, “In that case, give me my money.”

 

A woman tells her husband, “There’s trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor.”

The husband replies, “Water in the carburetor?  That’s ridiculous.”

The woman assures him, “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

To that the husband says, “You don’t even know what a carburetor is.  I’ll check it out.  Where’s the car?”

The woman replies, “In the swimming pool.”

 

O’Malley was arrested and sent for trial on armed bank robbery.

After a long deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, “Not guilty.”

“That’s great!” shouted O’Malley.  “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 12/10/2013

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During the French Revolution the guillotine is invented and condemned persons were subjected to its mercy.
One morning three prisoners were taken from the dungeons to begin the day of executions.  The first man, an artist, was led to the guillotine machine and the lever was pulled and nothing happened.  “An act of God declared the executioner.”  “He is free to go”
The second man, a farmer, was placed in the machine and again, nothing happened when the lever was pulled.  The executioner again declared “an act of God, he is free to go”
The third man, an engineer, is led to his place in the guillotine.  As he kneels down he happens to glance up and yells “stop, I see the problem!”
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous

and give the wrong answers. — A Bit of Fry and Laurie
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.
Slogan of FM105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of all the radio stations in Chicago… we’re one of them.”
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little  speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:   “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’ wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people”.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make  the presentation and gave his talk:   “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived”, said the politician. “In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 12/3/2013

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Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineering student replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind
firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year so we always let them play for free anytime!.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?  Mechanical engineers build weapons.  Civil engineers build targets

.
Understanding Engineers #5

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 11/26/2013

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The Czech Hunters

A couple of hunters from Prague, Czechoslovakia are out hunting, and an enormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters. Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly. The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc. Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear that’s closest to them. “No, not that one,” shouts the surviving hunter, “That’s the female. The Czech is in the male.”

 

The Talkative Hunter

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, “Did you see that?”"No,”says  the second guy .”Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,” the first guy says. “Oh,” says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, “Did you see that?”"See what?” the second guy asks. “Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”"Oh”, says the second guy.”A few minutes later the first guy says: “Did you see that?”By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, “Yes, I did!”And the first guy says: “Then why did you step in it?”

 

Ole and Sven get lost

One day Ollie and SVEN were Deer Hunting, and they got lost.  Ollie tells Sven “wait, don’t panic I learned what to do in case this happens.  You’re supposed to shoot up into the air three times and someone will hear you and come with help,” “Okay” said Sven.  So he shoots three times into the air.  They both wait an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot three times again and still no one shows up. Bewildered they try this again and again for the next couple of hours.  Sven starts to look a little worried and says to Ollie, “It better work this time, were down to our last three arrows!”

 

Ole and Sven Shoot  6 deer

Ollie and Sven got a pilot to fly them into the far north for deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your deer, you will have to leave two behind.” They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage,  looking around, Ollie said, “Sven. Do you have any idea of where we are?” “I think so,” said Sven. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 11/19/2013

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When you’re raised in the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. “

Is your dad or mom home?” asked the farmer.

“No, they went to town” said the boy.

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?” asked the farmer.

“No, he went with Mom and Dad” the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message” said the boy.

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad.   It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment…  “You would have to talk to Dad about that.   I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

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Bill and I were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

I replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but how they got into the light bulb beats me.

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

A nurse named Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. ‘Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace.

‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.’

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Tracy, the nurse in the hallway. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’

‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.’

‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy , ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’

Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/29/2013

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“This hotel stinks!” a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. “What’s wrong?” The hotel clerk asked.

“I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!” The clerk apologized for the noise and checked him out.

A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, the clerk made the mistake of asking how their stay was.                                               “Terrible!” they said. “The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!”

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Remember, every woman is a beautiful, gorgeous and sexy living being. It just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

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At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled…”Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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In time for Halloween

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe….as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.

Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor however; come in, and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife into the mansion.

An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.  Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master!…..The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

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In time for next Sunday

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his privates with black shoe polish.

I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 10/08//2013

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Ole and Sven were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,’ said Sven, ‘but we don’t have a ladder.

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, ‘Eighteen feet, six inches, and walked away.

Ole shook his head, laughed and said to Sven,  “Ain’t that just like a woman!  We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

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Swen says to Ole - I’m ready for a vacation, only this year I’m going

to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Norway and Lena got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Lena got pregnant.

Last year I went to England and Lena got pregnant.

Swen asks – So what are you going to do this year?

Ole replies, – I tink I’ll take her with me!

**********************************************************************
Ole says to Lena, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”….

Ole says, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th

***************************************************************************

Ole and Swen find three hand grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Swen says,”What if one explodes before we get there?”

Ole: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

*************************************************************************

Ole goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I tink it’s got epilepsy”

he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to

me”.

Ole says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

*****************************************************************************
Ole spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO

NOT BEND “.

Ole spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to

pick the bloody thing up.

*****************************************************************************

Ole shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her

contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No”, shouts Ole, “this is her husband!”

Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”…the woman asked her husband.

“No”…said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse…and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra…and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her …and smiled approvingly.

“Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?”… she then asked her husband?

“No ..no, I haven’t” …he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill… and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now” …she said. “Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?”

“No, never” …he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused… and excited).

“Well, go and look in the garage!”…she said.

*********************************************************************************

Four surgeons were discussing what persons from certain occupations were the easiest to do surgery on.

The first surgeon said, “Teachers are the easiest to perform surgery on since everything is alphabetized….So you just connect Part A, B, C and so forth.

The second surgeon said, “No, accountants are the easiest… Everything in numbered: 1, 2, 3, 4 and so on.   Just connect the numbers.”

The third surgeon said, “You’re both wrong the easiest person to perform surgery on is an electrician.   Everything inside is color coded.  All you have to is connect the red part to the other red part, the black part to black, white to white, green to green, etc.”

The fourth surgeon said, “Well, You all are wrong.   Politicians are the easiest to do surgery on.”   They don’t have a spine or a backbone, and their ass and brain are interchangeable.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 09/03/2013

The counselor asked me if I ever look at my wife when I’m making love. I said, “I did once and she had an angry look on her face”. He asked, “Why angry?” I said, “Because she was watching me from outside the window”.

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; as you can see, we’re joined side by side at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”
    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, boys”?
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture…”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John.  “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

Did you ever notice when a woman says, “What” it isn’t that she didn’t hear you, it’s because she’s giving you a second chance.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, this guy meets a man with a beard. ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he asks. No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.’ Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’ ‘Why no,’ he answers, ‘I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.’
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.
He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’
‘No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.’
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! he can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.
Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
‘Are you Mohammed?’ he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. ‘No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?’
He says, ‘Yes please!’  As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: “Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!”

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads
for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks …
“Honey, I’ve been thinking … now that we are married, I think it’s time you quit hunting, golfing, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat, and golf clubs.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t.”

I told my wife, “If I say I’m going to fix something, I’m going to fix it.  She doesn’t have to remind me every 6 months.”

It’s funny when my wife gives me the silent treatment.  She thinks it’s a punishment.

If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I don’t think I would want to.  I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I’m annoying.

They say men don’t have feelings.  Well, I’m here to tell you that’s not true.  For example right now I feel hungry.

 

Hello, is this the Police?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
The phone rings at Billy’s house: “Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?”
“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”

“Merry Christmas, Buddy”

 

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawn’s in his eyes and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the BaptistChurch and I had to quit drinking.”  “It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either!”

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’

 

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 08/30/2013

THE GYM

I had gym experience recently.  My wife decided that it would be a good idea if I went to the gym with her.  She goes to the gym every day.  I always make cracks about her “going to the gym” Oh sure.  So she tells me that I can do her workout with her just to prove that she actually does work out.

She figures that I’m a guy.  I’ve spent a good part of my life lifting stuff and I’ve always said, “ Hon, I’ll do that; it’s much too heavy for you and I don’t want you getting hurt.”

Could you let your wife lift more weight than you?  No!  She showed me how to use all these machines, she picks one and  says, “OK,  you’ve got to do 15 curls. She does 15 to show me how its done, and I remember how to do it , so I do 15, and then I get off the machine , she gets on, but before she gets on, she adds weight to the thing.  Now she does another 15, Effortlessly!  So being a guy, I do 15 while trying to look like its nothing, but I’m dying now. She then  does another set of 15 with even more weight.  My body , you know, the whole body feels like it had been run over by a truck. I felt like that for 5 days afterwards. I used two tubes of Ben Gay – I was rubbing it on my eyes because my eyes even hurt. My hair even hurt.  Everything hurt. It almost killed me.  My pride kept me from saying Uncle.

I swore that I’d never go back there again. And I’m never going to say one single thing about where or when my wife goes anywhere again, or she might just make me go along again.

 

THE HEALTH CLUB

But for my birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.

I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya who said she’s a 26 year old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.  My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

It was suggested that it would be a good idea to keep an exercise diary to chart my progress.

DAY ONE

Started the morning at 6:30 A/M.  Tough to get up but worth it when I arrived at the health club where Tanya was waiting for me.  She’s something of a goddess with blonde hair and dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.  She seemed a little alarmed  that it was so high,  but I think just standing next to her in that body sculpting outfit must have added about ten points to it.

I really enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging.  I did my sit-ups, but my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her.

DAY TWO

It took a whole pot of coffee to get me out of the door, but I made it.  Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air, then she put weights on it, for god’s sake.  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile.  Her smile made it all worthwhile.

DAY THREE

The only way I could brush my teeth was by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I’m sure I’ve developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagon at the club.  Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members.

DAY FOUR

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth and full snarl. I couldn’t help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that long just to tie my shoes.  She wanted me to lift dumbbells -  not a chance, Tanya!  …The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason  dumbbells – my aching butt!…  I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars in to get me.  As punishment she made me try the rowing machine.  It sank!

DAY FIVE

I hate Tanya more than any human being on the planet.  If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it.  Let my stomach hang out as far as possible in hopes that she would write me off as a disaster and resign, but the witch didn’t. She pushed me onto the treadmill and hit the “Go” button.  Feet wouldn’t move – just stood there and at 4 ½ miles per hour,  my whole body shot off the back of the belt and slammed into some old woman doing sit-ups and sent her false teeth flying onto the running track. Crunch! Crunch!  I didn’t think an old bitty could gum such fowl language and hit so hard.  Must be Tanya’s grandmother!

DAY SIX

I hear Tanya’s message on my answering machine wondering where I am. Says she’s sending Lars the gym Nazi to get me if I’m not there in 15 minutes. I lack the strength to even pick up the cell phone to call in my resignation. Lars carries me into the gym where the terrorist Tanya is waiting with her goulish smile.  I hear screamingI watch eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

DAY SEVEN

The nurse tells me somebody called 911 from the gym because of the screaming – something about  kidnapping and torture. She says she’s not my nurse, she’s from physical therapy, I say she looks familiar.  She says I might know her sister, Tanya who is a personal trainer.  More screaming!!

Well, that’s the week.  Thank god it’s over.  Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun like a gift certificate for a root canal.

 

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/30/2013

Lena and Ole Jokes – II

Ole and Lena jokes are Norwegian jokes, which are similar to Polish jokes only they are Norwegian.

So a Norwegian joke goes like this… Once there was a Norwegian that took his wife with him wherever he went just so he didn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

*************************************************************************

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, “How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?”

“Just a minute,” said the busy clerk.

“Vell, said Lena, “If it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll just take da bus.”

*******************************************************************************

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, “Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!”

******************************************************************************

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:  ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Oslo.

The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD !’

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.  While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’

Ole, sitting in the plane yelled out: “Vat da Hey now, you should see da back of mine”

*******************************************************************************

The Michigan judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged Ole with non-support.

The judge said to Ole, “I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.”

“Vell, dat’s fine, Judge,” said Ole. “And vunce in a while I’ll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.”

*******************************************************************************

Lena and Ole lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota .

It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across the lake, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake.

Ven she got home and gave Ole his beer, she asked him, “Ole, How come you normally tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

So Ole and Lena were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.  After a while all the guest had left and then Lena punches Ole in the arm and says, “That’s for 25 years of bad sex.”

A moment later Ole punches Lena in the shoulder and said “That’s for knowing the difference.”

******************************************************************************

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said Ole, “I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.”

“How come,” asked Lars?

“Vell,” Ole answered, “because vith a clarinet she can’t sing.”

******************************************************************************

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.

While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, “Are you a pole vaulter?”

Ole said, “No, I’m Norvegian and my name isn’t Valter.”

So Sven and Ole go on a fishing trip up in Canada.  They only catch three fish.  Swens says to Ole…”The way I figure it, each of them three fish cost us $400.00.”

“Well, at that price”, says Ole, “It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of dem than we did.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/23/2013

PARKING TIKET

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.  Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.  We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.  

We went up to him and said, "how about giving a senior citizen a break?"    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.  So my wife called him a s...-head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote...  Personally, we didn't care.  We came into town by bus and saw the car had a Bears sticker.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired...  It's important at our age.

  

Living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room one evening and he said to her:

“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.

 

INNER PEACE

By following some simple advice I read in a magazine article, I finally found inner peace …….. the article read: “To achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started.”

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished . . . and before leaving the house this morning . . .  .

I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey’s, Kalua, and Wild Turkey, ¼ keg of LaBatts blue, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and the rest of a box of chocolates. . . .you have no idea how doggone good I feel.

  

THE BOX DONATION

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to the priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do mean, almost?”

The Irish man said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You’re not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box.”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.”

 

POLISH SAUSAGE

A fellow walking into the store and said to the clerk, “I’d like 3 lbs. of Polish sausage.”

The clerk said, “Are you Polish, sir?”

The indignant man said, “I come in here and ask for Polish sausage and you ask me if I’m Polish!  If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask if I’m Italian? If I asked for bratwurst, would you ask if I was German?  If I asked for kosher wieners, would you ask if I was a Jew?

I’ll bet if I walked in her and asked for some Irish whiskey, you wouldn’t ask me if I was Irish, so why would you ask if I’m Polish just because I asked for 3 lbs. of Polish sausage?

“Because, Sir, this is a Home Depot!”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 07/16/2013

A Man Walks Into A Bar Jokes

 A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender.  “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.”    He finishes the drink and says again, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.”   Drinks that and says again, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.”   Finally the bartender says, “When this trouble gonna start?”  And the man says, “The trouble starts as soon as you realize that I don’t have any money.”

***********************************************************************************

A cowboy walks into a bar.  His shirt and vest are made of wax paper, his hat is made of brown wrapping paper, even his boots and chaps are made of paper and the spurs are made of tissue paper.    Pretty soon they arrested him rustling.

*******************************************************************************

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

***********************************************************************************

A naked man walks into a bar with just a pair of battery jumper cables around his neck.   He says to the bartender, “Give me a beer.”  The bartender says. “Okay, but you better not start anything!”

********************************************************************************

A man walked into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender said, “Yes, we do!” “Good,” replied the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.

*******************************************************************************

A font walks into a bar…the bartender says “We don’t serve your type here.

************************************************************************************

A golf club walks into a bar and asks for a whisky. The barman refuses to serve him. “Why?” asks the golf club. And the barman says, “Because I know you’re going to be driving later!”

A dyslectic walked into a bra.

********************************************************************************

A man walks into a bar and there’s a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.  They start sharing a drink together and started talking.  She leans over and says “I want you to make me feel like a real woman.”

So he takes off his jacket and says, “I need this ironed.”

A tourist walks into a bar and sees a dog sitting in a chair playing poker with a couple of guys.  The tourist then asks the bartender, “Is that dog really playing poker?”

The bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not very good.  Every time he gets a good hand he starts wagging his tail.

**********************************************************************************

An old man and his wife walk into a bar.  Immediately, the old man goes over to a group of young woman and starts talking to them.   The bartender asks the wife, “Doesn’t that bother you that your husband is always making passes at the young women around here?

And she says, “Not really, Just because dogs chase cars doesn’t mean they know how to drive.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/25/2013

-An elderly gentleman was strolling through the park when he happended upon a young boy sitting on a bench eating a box of candy bars.  “Young man,” said the elder, “You shouldn’t be eating so many candy bars; you’ll get sick.”

The young boy looked up from his candy, “My grandfather lived to be a hundred-and-three years old.”

The old man was interested, “Oh yeah, and he ate a lot of candy bars?”  The boy replied, “No, he minded his own damned business.”

 

-Another old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.  A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.  He had spiked hair of all different colors – green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.  The old man just stared.

The young man said, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.  I was just wondering if you were my son.”

 

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and had decided to get married.  There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was my girlfriend’s beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my girlfriend’s “little sister” called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.  She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.  She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want that one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door.  I opened the door and headed straight for my car.  Lo and Behold!  My entire future family was standing outside clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family!

And the moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/11/2013

Mother walks into her son’s bedroom one Sunday morning and says, “Son, wake up. It’s Sunday morning and time to go to church.”

The son just groaned and turned over.

“Son, get up! It’s time and you don’t want to be late.”

Son: “Mom, I’m not going to church today.”

Mom: “Oh yes you are, now get your butt out of bed.”

Son: “I AM NOT GOING TO CHURCH and I’ll give you two reasons why I’m not going; One – they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

Mom says, “Yes you are going to church and I’ll give YOU  two reasons why: One, you’re forty years old, and Two, you’re the pastor!”

 

On some air bases the Air force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference.  If it’s an American Airlines flight, its 3 o-clock.  If it’s an Air Force plane, its 1500 hours.  If it’s a Navy aircraft, it’s 6 bells.  If it’s an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.  If it’s a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”

“Well, snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered Seaman.  I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again.”

 

 

A pastor who had a drinking problem went to a hypnotist and was cured.  Every time he was offered a drink, he would just automatically turn his back and walk away.  And he wouldn’t even remember the incident. In thinking about it, he wondered if he could use that technique on his congregation.

So the next Sunday when preaching, he took out a pocket watch and gently swung it back and forth on its gold chain for a few minutes. He ended his sermon with the words, “Five dollars,

After the service, he checked the collection basket and found it was filled with five dollar bills.

So he repeated the exercise the next Sunday, swinging the gold watch on its chain, he just said “ten dollars.”  And sure enough, after the service the basket was full of ten dollar bills.

So the next Sunday, he decided to go for twenty dollar bills and as he was swinging the watch, it slipped out of his hand and crashed to the floor in pieces as he exclaimed, “Oh, CRAP!”

 

 

A pair of Irish ditch-diggers were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they saw a Protestant Minister lurking about and ducking into the house.

Would ya look at that, Darby” said Paddy.  “What a shameful disgrace, those protestant Reverends sinning in a house the like of that place.”  They both shook their heads in disgust and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied on him.

“Did ya see that, Darby?” Paddy asked in shock and disbelief.  “Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?  I just can’t understand what the world is coming to these days.  A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh.  “Tis a shame, I tell ya!”

A little while later they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if anyone was watching, and then sneaking in the door.

“Oh no, Darby, look!” said Paddy, removing his cap.  “One of the poor girls musta died.”

 

 

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped the skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the first step onto the bus only to discover that she could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.  And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust, she could not raise her leg high enough because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the bus driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the bus line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.  Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him “How dare you touch my body!!! I don’t even know who you are.”

At this, the Texan drawled, “ Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/14/2013

Blonde Story

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to–do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  “Well, you can paint my porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

After looking about, the blonde responded, “How about $100?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials she would need were in the garage.  From inside the house the man’s wife heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should; she was standing on it.  Do you think she’s dumb?”

“No, I guess I’m guilty of being influenced by all the ‘dumb blonde’ email jokes we’ve been getting.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the husband asked.  “Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his picket for the $100 and handed it to her.

“And by the way, “the blonde added, “ it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

 

He said – she said

He: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you don’t have anything to put in it.

She: You wear briefs, don’t you.

 

She:  What do mean by coming home half drunk?

He:   It’s not my fault, I ran out of money.

 

He:  Since I first met you I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She:  Well, you’ve succeeded!

 

He:  Should we try a different position tonight?

She: That’s a good idea.  You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the couch.”

 

Priest: I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.

She:   Who’s gonna look?

 

He:  What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

He:  Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

She: Okay, but if you get home before me, leave the hallway light on.

 

He:  Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She: I would but you’re never there.

 

The Cheating Wife

A man returning home from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to catch her in the act.

For $100 the cabby agreed to be a witness.  Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.  The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

When the husband pulled out a gun, put it to the man’s head, his wife shouted, “Don’t do it!  This man has been very generous.  Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you?  He did!  Who do you think paid for the new cabin cruiser?  He did!  Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?  He does!”

The husband looked over at the cab driver and asked, “What would you do in a case like this?”  The cabby said, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.”

 

The Magic Frog

The 78 year old man loved to fish.  He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked around and could not see anyone.  He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again say, “Pick me up.”  He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”  The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you.  Pick me up and kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have ever dreamed of.”

The man looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front breast picket.

Then the frog said, “Are you nuts, didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.”  The man opened his picket, looked at the frog and said, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

 

The Fight

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.  His arm in a sling, his nose broken, his face cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little crapper, O’Connor?” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you; he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “A shovel is what he had and a terrible lickin he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean, “You should have defended yourself, didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy.  “Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but totally useless in a fight.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/07/2013

“I’m doing what I can”, said the doctor, “but I can’t make you any younger.” “I don’t want to get younger”, said the patient, “I just want to get older.”

A guy calls the hospital. He says. “You gotta help me…my wife’s going into labor.” The nurse says, “Is this her first child?” “No,” he says. “This is her husband.”

A man was stopped by a game warden in Upper Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch these fish?” The man replied to the warden, “No sir, these are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?” the warden replied. “Yes sir, every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home.” “That’s a bunch of hooey? Fish can’t do that!” The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you, it really works.” “Ok, I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well.” “Well, what?” the man responded. “When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted. “Call who back?” asked the fisherman. “The FISH!” “What fish?”  the man asked!

Golf Jokes

Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, ‘What the hell is taking so long?’

‘My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,’ Jim explained. ‘I want to make a perfect shot.’

“Don’t be silly,” his companion said, ‘You don’t have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.’

*************************************************************************************************************

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.  He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.  Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, “Are you a good golfer?”  to which the man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”

*****************************************************************************

A 70 year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.  He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn’t anybody he could play because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.  Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.

The 70 year old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been play quite well.  The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”

And he did play well.  Coming to the par four 18th they were even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.  The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.  Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!  Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trop where his opponent was still standing in the trap.  He said, “Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps.!

“I do,” replied the old man.  “Can you give me a hand?”

**************************************************************************

Roger and Charlie emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first hole, but Roger looked distracted.

“Anything the matter?” Charlie asked.

“Na, it’s just that I can’t stand the club pro,” Roger replied. “He’s just been trying to correct my stance.”

Well, he’s only trying to help your game,” Charlie soothed.

“Yeah, Roger says, but I was using the urinal at the time.”

 

Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said. “Hey, guess what?!   I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”

The second golfer replies, “Great trade!”

******************************************************************************

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”

He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/23/2013

******************************************************************************
Ed always wanted to fly in a helicopter, but Norma always replied,
“I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,
“Norma, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”

Norma replied, ”Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

The helicopter pilot overheard the couple and said, ”Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!

But if you say one word, It will be fifty dollars each.”

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word…

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, ”By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.   I’m really impressed! ”

Ed replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out.

 

But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

 

 

A Man goes into see his doctor.

Patient says: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I’m Donald Duck and on other mornings I think I’m Mickey Mouse.”

Doctor says:  “Hmmmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?”

 

There were three men on a hill and each one had a watch.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man, “How did you do that.

The third man said, “Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!”

*************************************************************************************An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no Mercedes in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But…. The decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife. “Oh, that’s his mistress,” says her husband. “Ours is prettier,” she replies.

*********************************************************************************

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

”Yes ma’am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. ”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/16/2013

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river.  He proceeds to walk down into the water and stands next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”  The drunk looks around and says, “Yess, Preacher . . I shurr am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.  “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.  “Nooo, I didn’t!”said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, ”Now brother, have you found Jesus/”  “Noooo, I did not Reverrrrend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My good man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher . . .”Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

 

 

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives.  To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and hides it.  “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?  The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he has only one eye.”

The policeman says, “ Well . .  uh..that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the same picture at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he has only one ear.”  The policeman angrily responds, “For God’s sake.  What’s the matter with you two?  Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING  because it’s a picture of his profile!  Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “Now,  think hard before giving me a stupid answer.  This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”  The third blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm,  the suspect wears contact lenses   “

The policeman is shocked and says, “Wow, I can’t believe it …it’s TRUE.  The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.  Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the third blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”

 

 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.  She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.  The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.  The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out.  The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.  An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the rolls into the bank’s underground parking garage.  Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the $15.41 interest.  The loan officer says, “Miss, we are happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a bit puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”  The blonde replies, “where else in New York City could I safely park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 ?”

 

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks with the sweetest little lisp, “Escuthe me mither, do you have widdle wabbits?”  The shop keeper gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft and furwy wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwon wabby over there/”  The little girl, in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, “I don’t fink my pyfon gives a thit!”

 

A woman walks into the kitchen and finds her husband stalking around the room with a fly swatter.  “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies” was his response.  “Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males and 2 females” was his reply.

“Now, how exactly can you tell that?” she asked.

He answered, “3 were on a beer can and 2on the telephone.”

 

Men’s Club Jokes 3/5/13

*************************************************************************************

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

*************************************************************************************

The young son said to his dad: “Is this true, Dad?  I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn’t  know his wife until he marries her?

Dad replies with a sigh: “That happens in most countries, son.”

************************************************************************************

Q: What is the one thing that Married men miss most about not being single?

A: Sex !

************************************************************************************

At dinner my wife said: “The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” To which I replied: “Oh? And what is this?”

*************************************************************************************

Old is when you don’t care where your wife goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same

sleeping room on a Trans-Continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….”Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket, I’m awfully cold?”

“I have a better idea, she replied, just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow!…..That’s a great idea he exclaimed!”

“Good, she replied……..”Get your own damn blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted…

**************************************************************************

After thirty five years of marriage, a husband & his wife went to counseling.  When asked by the therapist  what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved & unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk & after asking the wife to stand, he embraced & kissed her long & passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow…!!

The woman shut up & quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays, but on FRIDAYS…I …Go FISHing! !
*************************************************************************************

 

                             A Heavenly Conversation!

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer —we’d both still be alive.

 

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

****************************************************************************

Couple of Irish jokes for St. Pats Day

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s extremely unhappy and discouraged.

His wife says: “Why don’t you put an advertisement in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

“Here boy” he replies.

Paddy’s in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his

feet.

“What the hell you doing?” he asks.

“I’m hanging myself” Paddy replies.

“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.

“I know” said Paddy “but I couldn’t breathe”.

 

Retired Men’s Club Jokes – February 5, 2013

Always tell the truth…or should you?      My Favorite Animal.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried Chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she could have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PITA.

He said they love animals very much. I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office.

He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

The Grizzly Bear

A man was walking alone in the woods when he heard a noise behind him. As he looked, he saw a huge grizzly bear right on his tail. He started running faster, but the bear kept getting closer. He said, “God help me.” A voice from the sky answered “You denied me all your life, and now you ask for help”?  Yes…I now believe there is a God who can help me…if you can make me a Christian, can you make the bear a Christian? Suddenly, the forest became quiet, the bear had gotten down on his knees behind the man and had his paws folded as to say a prayer. What the man heard was, “Thank you Lord for this food I am about to receive from thy bountiful goodness. Amen”.

 

Car Keys….A Woman’s Viewpoint…

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA patdown.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly, I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Hi honey.” I stammered, (I always call him honey in times like these) “I love you.”

I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

Are you kidding me”, he barked, “I dropped you off”  !!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn’t steal  your car.”

Yep, it’s the golden years…….

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 1/22/13

After A First Date with bothparties splitting the cost of dinner and a movie, the young man was rebuffed at the door by his date. “Since we’ve gone Dutch on everything else,” she said, “you can just kiss yourself goodnight.”

A man who had spent several years working in retail joined the police force. A few months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job. “The pay is good and the hours are OK.” he replied, “but what I really like is that the customer is always wrong.”

Shampoo Warning

I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.” No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.” Problem solved!

The local TV station’s weather desk received a postcard: “I thought you would be interested to know that I just finished shoveling 3 feet of partly cloudy from my front steps.”

 

1/15/13  Green Bay Area Retired Men’s Club Humor

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end
of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket
towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”

An elderly couple, were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time… but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

 

Mule Trading

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

A Talkative Public Bathroom

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.  I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall….

-          “Hi there, how is it going?”

Okay, I’m not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn’t know what to say so I finally say:

-          “Not bad….”

Then the voice says:

-          “So, what are you doing?”

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

-          “Well, I’m going back to Colorado…”

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

-          “Look, I’ll call you back, every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me.”

 

911

911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the dispatch asked.

“No you idiot!” the man shouted.

“This is her husband!”

 

Humorous Stories Told by our Retired Men’s Club Members (12/11/2012)

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