Humor

 Retired Men’s Club Humor 06/11/2013

Mother walks into her son’s bedroom one Sunday morning and says, “Son, wake up. It’s Sunday morning and time to go to church.”

The son just groaned and turned over.

“Son, get up! It’s time and you don’t want to be late.”

Son: “Mom, I’m not going to church today.”

Mom: “Oh yes you are, now get your butt out of bed.”

Son: “I AM NOT GOING TO CHURCH and I’ll give you two reasons why I’m not going; One – they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

Mom says, “Yes you are going to church and I’ll give YOU  two reasons why: One, you’re forty years old, and Two, you’re the pastor!”

 

On some air bases the Air force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference.  If it’s an American Airlines flight, its 3 o-clock.  If it’s an Air Force plane, its 1500 hours.  If it’s a Navy aircraft, it’s 6 bells.  If it’s an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.  If it’s a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”

“Well, snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered Seaman.  I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again.”

 

 

A pastor who had a drinking problem went to a hypnotist and was cured.  Every time he was offered a drink, he would just automatically turn his back and walk away.  And he wouldn’t even remember the incident. In thinking about it, he wondered if he could use that technique on his congregation.

So the next Sunday when preaching, he took out a pocket watch and gently swung it back and forth on its gold chain for a few minutes. He ended his sermon with the words, “Five dollars,

After the service, he checked the collection basket and found it was filled with five dollar bills.

So he repeated the exercise the next Sunday, swinging the gold watch on its chain, he just said “ten dollars.”  And sure enough, after the service the basket was full of ten dollar bills.

So the next Sunday, he decided to go for twenty dollar bills and as he was swinging the watch, it slipped out of his hand and crashed to the floor in pieces as he exclaimed, “Oh, CRAP!”

 

A pair of Irish ditch-diggers were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they saw a Protestant Minister lurking about and ducking into the house.

“Would ya look at that, Darby” said Paddy.  “What a shameful disgrace, those protestant Reverends sinning in a house the like of that place.”  They both shook their heads in disgust and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied on him.

“Did ya see that, Darby?” Paddy asked in shock and disbelief.  “Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?  I just can’t understand what the world is coming to these days.  A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh.  “Tis a shame, I tell ya!”

A little while later they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if anyone was watching, and then sneaking in the door.

“Oh no, Darby, look!” said Paddy, removing his cap.  “One of the poor girls musta died.”

 

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped the skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the first step onto the bus only to discover that she could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.  And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust, she could not raise her leg high enough because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the bus driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the bus line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.  Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him “How dare you touch my body!!! I don’t even know who you are.”

At this, the Texan drawled, “ Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/14/2013

Blonde Story

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to–do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  “Well, you can paint my porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

After looking about, the blonde responded, “How about $100?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials she would need were in the garage.  From inside the house the man’s wife heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should; she was standing on it.  Do you think she’s dumb?”

“No, I guess I’m guilty of being influenced by all the ‘dumb blonde’ email jokes we’ve been getting.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the husband asked.  “Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his picket for the $100 and handed it to her.

“And by the way, “the blonde added, “ it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

 

He said – she said

He: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you don’t have anything to put in it.

She: You wear briefs, don’t you.

 

She:  What do mean by coming home half drunk?

He:   It’s not my fault, I ran out of money.

 

He:  Since I first met you I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She:  Well, you’ve succeeded!

 

He:  Should we try a different position tonight?

She: That’s a good idea.  You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the couch.”

 

Priest: I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.

She:   Who’s gonna look?

 

He:  What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

He:  Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

She: Okay, but if you get home before me, leave the hallway light on.

 

He:  Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She: I would but you’re never there.

 

The Cheating Wife

A man returning home from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to catch her in the act.

For $100 the cabby agreed to be a witness.  Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.  The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

When the husband pulled out a gun, put it to the man’s head, his wife shouted, “Don’t do it!  This man has been very generous.  Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you?  He did!  Who do you think paid for the new cabin cruiser?  He did!  Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?  He does!”

The husband looked over at the cab driver and asked, “What would you do in a case like this?”  The cabby said, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.”

 

The Magic Frog

The 78 year old man loved to fish.  He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked around and could not see anyone.  He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again say, “Pick me up.”  He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”  The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you.  Pick me up and kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have ever dreamed of.”

The man looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front breast picket.

Then the frog said, “Are you nuts, didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.”  The man opened his picket, looked at the frog and said, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

 

The Fight

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.  His arm in a sling, his nose broken, his face cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little crapper, O’Connor?” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you; he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “A shovel is what he had and a terrible lickin he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean, “You should have defended yourself, didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy.  “Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but totally useless in a fight.”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 05/07/2013

“I’m doing what I can”, said the doctor, “but I can’t make you any younger.” “I don’t want to get younger”, said the patient, “I just want to get older.”

A guy calls the hospital. He says. “You gotta help me…my wife’s going into labor.” The nurse says, “Is this her first child?” “No,” he says. “This is her husband.”

A man was stopped by a game warden in Upper Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch these fish?” The man replied to the warden, “No sir, these are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?” the warden replied. “Yes sir, every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home.” “That’s a bunch of hooey? Fish can’t do that!” The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you, it really works.” “Ok, I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well.” “Well, what?” the man responded. “When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted. “Call who back?” asked the fisherman. “The FISH!” “What fish?”  the man asked!

Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, ‘What the hell is taking so long?’

‘My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,’ Jim explained. ‘I want to make a perfect shot.’

“Don’t be silly,” his companion said, ‘You don’t have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.’

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A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.  He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.  Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, “Are you a good golfer?”  to which the man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”

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A 70 year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.  He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn’t anybody he could play because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.  Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.

The 70 year old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been play quite well.  The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”

And he did play well.  Coming to the par four 18^th they were even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.  The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.  Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!  Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trop where his opponent was still standing in the trap.  He said, “Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps.!

“I do,” replied the old man.  “Can you give me a hand?”

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Roger and Charlie emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first hole, but Roger looked distracted.

“Anything the matter?” Charlie asked.

“Na, it’s just that I can’t stand the club pro,” Roger replied. “He’s just been trying to correct my stance.”

Well, he’s only trying to help your game,” Charlie soothed.

“Yeah, Roger says, but I was using the urinal at the time.”

Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said. “Hey, guess what?!   I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”

The second golfer replies, “Great trade!”

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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”

He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/23/2013

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Ed always wanted to fly in a helicopter, but Norma always replied,
“I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,
“Norma, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”

Norma replied, ”Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

The helicopter pilot overheard the couple and said, ”Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!

But if you say one word, It will be fifty dollars each.”

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word…

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, ”By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.   I’m really impressed! ”

Ed replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out.

 

But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

 

 

There were three men on a hill and each one had a watch.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man, “How did you do that.

The third man said, “Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!”

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 04/16/2013

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river.  He proceeds to walk down into the water and stands next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”  The drunk looks around and says, “Yess, Preacher . . I shurr am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.  “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.  “Nooo, I didn’t!”said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, ”Now brother, have you found Jesus/”  “Noooo, I did not Reverrrrend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My good man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher . . .”Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

 

 

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives.  To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and hides it.  “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?  The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he has only one eye.”

The policeman says, “ Well . .  uh..that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the same picture at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he has only one ear.”  The policeman angrily responds, “For God’s sake.  What’s the matter with you two?  Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING  because it’s a picture of his profile!  Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “Now,  think hard before giving me a stupid answer.  This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”  The third blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm,  the suspect wears contact lenses   “

The policeman is shocked and says, “Wow, I can’t believe it …it’s TRUE.  The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.  Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the third blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”

 

 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.  She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.  The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.  The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out.  The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.  An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the rolls into the bank’s underground parking garage.  Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the $15.41 interest.  The loan officer says, “Miss, we are happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a bit puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”  The blonde replies, “where else in New York City could I safely park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 ?”

 

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks with the sweetest little lisp, “Escuthe me mither, do you have widdle wabbits?”  The shop keeper gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft and furwy wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwon wabby over there/”  The little girl, in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, “I don’t fink my pyfon gives a thit!”

 

A woman walks into the kitchen and finds her husband stalking around the room with a fly swatter.  “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies” was his response.  “Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males and 2 females” was his reply.

“Now, how exactly can you tell that?” she asked.

He answered, “3 were on a beer can and 2on the telephone.”

 

Men’s Club Jokes 3/5/13

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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

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The young son said to his dad: “Is this true, Dad?  I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn’t  know his wife until he marries her?

Dad replies with a sigh: “That happens in most countries, son.”

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Q: What is the one thing that Married men miss most about not being single?

A: Sex !

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same

sleeping room on a Trans-Continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….”Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket, I’m awfully cold?”

“I have a better idea, she replied, just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow!…..That’s a great idea he exclaimed!”

“Good, she replied……..”Get your own damn blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted…

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After thirty five years of marriage, a husband & his wife went to counseling.  When asked by the therapist  what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved & unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk & after asking the wife to stand, he embraced & kissed her long & passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow…!!

The woman shut up & quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays, but on FRIDAYS…I …Go FISHing! !
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A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

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Couple of Irish jokes for St. Pats Day

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s extremely unhappy and discouraged.

His wife says: “Why don’t you put an advertisement in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

“Here boy” he replies.

Paddy’s in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his

feet.

“What the hell you doing?” he asks.

“I’m hanging myself” Paddy replies.

“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.

“I know” said Paddy “but I couldn’t breathe”.

 

Retired Men’s Club Jokes – February 5, 2013

Always tell the truth…or should you?      My Favorite Animal.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried Chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she could have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PITA.

He said they love animals very much. I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office.

He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

The Grizzly Bear

A man was walking alone in the woods when he heard a noise behind him. As he looked, he saw a huge grizzly bear right on his tail. He started running faster, but the bear kept getting closer. He said, “God help me.” A voice from the sky answered “You denied me all your life, and now you ask for help”?  Yes…I now believe there is a God who can help me…if you can make me a Christian, can you make the bear a Christian? Suddenly, the forest became quiet, the bear had gotten down on his knees behind the man and had his paws folded as to say a prayer. What the man heard was, “Thank you Lord for this food I am about to receive from thy bountiful goodness. Amen”.

 

Car Keys….A Woman’s Viewpoint…

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA patdown.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly, I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Hi honey.” I stammered, (I always call him honey in times like these) “I love you.”

I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

“Are you kidding me”, he barked, “I dropped you off”  !!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn’t steal  your car.”

Yep, it’s the golden years…….

 

Retired Men’s Club Humor 1/22/13

After A First Date with bothparties splitting the cost of dinner and a movie, the young man was rebuffed at the door by his date. “Since we’ve gone Dutch on everything else,” she said, “you can just kiss yourself goodnight.”

A man who had spent several years working in retail joined the police force. A few months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job. “The pay is good and the hours are OK.” he replied, “but what I really like is that the customer is always wrong.”

Shampoo Warning

I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.” No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.” Problem solved!

The local TV station’s weather desk received a postcard: “I thought you would be interested to know that I just finished shoveling 3 feet of partly cloudy from my front steps.”

 

1/15/13  Green Bay Area Retired Men’s Club Humor

A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end
of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket
towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”

An elderly couple, were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time… but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

 

Mule Trading

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

A Talkative Public Bathroom

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.  I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall….

-          “Hi there, how is it going?”

Okay, I’m not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn’t know what to say so I finally say:

-          “Not bad….”

Then the voice says:

-          “So, what are you doing?”

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

-          “Well, I’m going back to Colorado…”

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

-          “Look, I’ll call you back, every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me.”

 

911

911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the dispatch asked.

“No you idiot!” the man shouted.

“This is her husband!”

 

Humorous Stories Told by our Retired Men’s Club Members (12/11/2012)

• I asked my shrink to show me one positive visit from all my visits. He showed me his new Porsche.
• A Sunday school teacher asked one of her students what he planned to give his younger brother for Christmas. “I don’t know”, the little boy replied. “I gave him chicken pox last year!”
• Vacuum Cleaner Salesman….  A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning”, said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners….” “Go away!” said the old lady. “I’m broke and haven’t any money!” and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty”, he said, “not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.” The old lady stepped back and said, “Well, let me get you a fork, ‘cause they cut off my electricity this morning!”
• One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. This year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied. “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought last year!”
• For Christmas, the children bought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager’s daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she guessed. “No,” said the little boy…….”It’s a puppy!
• Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning”. Months later, that special morning arrives and there they were on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.” The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.” The third guy says, “My wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.” They all turned to the last guy in the group, Leo, who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. Leo said, “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for sex or golf,’ and she said, ‘You’ll need a sweater…..”
• A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall, the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband and ask where he was. Her husband in a calm voice said, “Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you some day?” His wife was crying, “Yes I remember the jewelry store.” He said, “Well I’m in the bar next to it.”
• A little boy and a girl were talking on the school playground. “My dad’s an accountant,” the boy bragged. “What does your dad do?” “Actually, he’s a really important politician,” the girl replied. “Honest?” the impressed boy asked. “I didn’t say that.” The girl said.
• New predictions out recently claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?” Jay Leno.